something to think about

12-13

Thanks for this incredible outlet because I do want to say a few words about how I feel. I dont know why I am using English maybe I just want to. Today I went for TOEFL exam, which I spent a lot effort on for these days. I was well-prepared so I guess I was going to knockem on. Unfortunetely thats not the case. Something happened again which i have not been aware of when it happened for the first time.

To talk about me, I am super positive as you can see from my nick name here at zhihu. I have "big" dreams that I have been always trying to hit. easier to day than done, but I am just the kinda person who puts my money where my mouth is, which in some aspects, can be a nice shot. However i am as competitive as hell. my desire to achieve success even go so far as to interfere my work now. that TOEFL just the reminder that tells me i need think.

do you know how it feels like in the fucking exam? all i can think of when i am doing listening part is man i am gonna made it this time. but the thing is my useless brain starts to be blank and freeze, like even stop working. they come as violent waves in just a few seconds i cannot even stop them. this is somthing ive never experienced. and i never thought "abnormal" attitude will fuck you and your exam like this. You got really disappointed, annoying and desperate. that is what made me considers this carefully.

so much for my gross experience. all i wanna say is mentality, psychology and attitude which i am not sure is the one id point to, have a huge huge influence on us. my ability can possibly get me where i wanna go only if mentality appears "right". its like you can only get your barrel filled with water with the help of last plank. i am not strong enough either. watching other people win the game before me can so really fuck me, which is why i am as competitive as hell. the biggest reason i fucked that exam is that i WANT TO WIN. i cant say how i am able to overcome this. i need to grow i think bc its never easy to be a better person, i mean, literally. maybe ill pivot, to do something else or i can get it over. who knows.

apologize for such poor writing and grammers which i am not in the mood to correct em. if you read em, i appreacite that and wish you guys can be a better person, i mean, literally.