阿斯伯格系列：管理期望-共建期望來避免憤怒和挫折情緒

來自專欄廝守時光-心理雜記6 人贊了文章

內容來源說明：

1、以下中文內容翻譯自Asperger Experts網站的免費文章<Managing Expectations: How To Prevent Anger And Frustration by Co-Creating Expectations>, 原文鏈接為：

https://www.aspergerexperts.com/communication/how-to-prevent-anger-and-frustration-by-co-creating-expectations/

2、本文最初發表於知乎專欄：安住時光-心理雜記，專欄地址為：https://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/xinlizaji

3、Asperger Experts是一家設立在美國的公司，專門為阿斯伯格人群和其家人提供心理援助，本文的翻譯和轉載得到了Asperger Experts的許可。

4、應原作者要求，本文為免費內容，轉載者不應使用本文內容向讀者收取任何費用。

5、如需再轉載，請將以上和本條共1、2、3、4、5點的內容在轉載頁面粘貼顯示，謝謝！

6、譯者的理解程度有限，翻譯中難免存在錯誤遺漏，如讀者有興趣可對照原文閱讀，歡迎指正。

譯文：

我有件事要坦白，這篇文章可能不是你讀過的最精彩的文章。不過從我個人有限的角度看，我認為這篇文字仍然是很不錯的，當然跟普利策獎作品比還有差距。文中的內容可能會讓你浮出一絲的微笑，也可能帶給你一個小小的頓悟，雖說可能沒有什麼讓人捧腹的笑話、或者是醍醐灌頂的啟示。

看了上面的評價後，你還想繼續閱讀嗎？我想還是會的。

上面這段話是「期望管理」技術的一種展示。如果你不熟悉這一術語，那麼讓我來詳細介紹一下。「韋伯斯特詞典」將期望定義為「相信某件事會發生或將來會發生」，或「相信某人會或應該取得某些成就」。

簡單地說，期望是你的「應該可以做到的事」。我們對自己、他人、事物、事件『應該是什麼樣』、或者『應該如何發展』，都有自己的觀念和原則。當這些「應該如何」的觀念被侵犯時，憤怒和失望往往是自然的反應。

為什麼期望管理很重要？為了回答這個問題，我要給你們講一個故事。

很久以前，我在一個呼叫中心做市場調查研究。什麼樣的調查研究呢，就是那種總在不合適的時候給你打電話，很客氣請你做一個簡短的問卷調查，對，我當時就是電話後面的那個人。

老實說，這是一份艱苦的工作，但從好的方面來看，我需要學習一些有用的社交技能，以及許多很酷的新詞，所以這份工作並不都是缺點。然而，回顧過去，我認為這份工作教會我的最有用的東西之一就是管理期望的重要性。

面試很容易。只要你是個人、有工作意願、並且會打電話就可以。不過，在我被錄用後，公司要求我們新僱員參加一次一小時的工作培訓，然後才允許我們開始工作。在那次培訓會上，講師向我們大家詳細描述了現實並且相當枯燥的工作內容，讓我們了解這份工作的真實情況，比如，我們很可能每天都要面對很多憤怒、粗魯和討厭的人，工作時間很長，而且是多人圍著同一張桌子工作，使用同樣的桌子輪班，因此我們也不能把照片或任何私人的東西放在桌子上。他們還播放了一段電話錄音樣本，裡頭一個叫「Gary」的客戶花樣百出地折磨了接線員之後，才肯掛斷電話。

最後，我被問到：「你確定能接受這份工作嗎？」如果不願意接受，也沒有關係，每個人都可以自由選擇退出。有一兩個人決定離開，但信不信由你，參加這次會議的絕大多數人，連同我自己，都選擇了留下來，儘管我們知道這份工作很難做。結果發現，這是工作預覽培訓的典型效果。

幾年後，我明白了這一小時培訓中包含的智慧，這是期望管理的最好展示。你看，普遍而言，呼叫中心每年的人員周轉率都高得離譜。然而，大量的研究發現，如果讓潛在員工對他們的日常期望有「全面的」了解，將會大大降低這些員工的流失率。每個人都會把自己「玫瑰眼鏡」摘掉，因為都了解這種工作優點在哪，缺點在哪。這樣，當第一次遇到大喊大叫的客戶時，他們就不會感到震驚、憤怒和失望，甚至因此很快就辭職了。員工對這樣的情況有完全的心理準備，而且事先接受過處理這種情況的培訓，所以也知道該怎麼應對。

這種技術不僅適用於呼叫中心，還能在各種不同的職業和環境中發揮作用，它可以為你和你的家人創造奇蹟。

所以，作為阿斯伯格孩子的家長，當你意識到孩子可能會感覺到失望，或者當你可能不得不做一些偏離常規的事情時，提前讓你的孩子做好心理準備。提醒會讓他們緊張嗎？可能吧。但是緊張好過期望被現實突然打碎。當我們願意通過直率而現實的溝通，去管理他人的期望時，也就是在保護他們免受未來的憤怒和失望之苦。

期望管理，不是說得把每一個可能的風險都列出來。如果你告訴孩子晚餐要吃他最喜歡的義大利面，但實際上對於能否買到食材只有一半的把握，那麼不妨提前告訴他/她也有可能會吃別的食物。

想知道什麼方式比管理期望更有效嗎？

那就是共同創造期望！

意思是，大家一起制定計劃和協議，每個人都有部分話語權。比如說共同做一份全家人的菜單，或者跟孩子一起起草一份「責任協議」（幫助孩子管理自己日常行為的一份約定）。

基本的情況是這樣的：違背期望是憤怒、沮喪、出現防禦模式的最常見的原因。

因此，如何有效地管理期望可能是最重要的人際關係技能之一。

試想一下，只要運用這一簡單的技巧，你的人際關係中就能立即消除許多衝突和失望。試一試吧，結果可能會讓你驚喜。

原文：

Managing Expectations: How To Prevent Anger And Frustration by Co-Creating Expectations

I have a confession to make. This article probably won』t be the most amazing article you』ve ever read. In my personal and admittedly biased opinion I think it』s still pretty awesome, but it』s not Pulitzer Prize material. It may bring a wry smile to your face, and give you a small epiphany or two, but you probably won』t have any eye-watering-belly-laughs or earth-shattering revelations.

So now that you know that, do you still want to continue? Good. I thought so.

What I did just then is a technique called 「expectation management」. For those that are unfamiliar with this term allow me to break it down for you. Webster』s Dictionary defines expectations as 「a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.」, or 「a belief that someone will or should achieve something.」

To put it simply, expectations are your 「shoulds」. We all have beliefs and rules about the way we think things, people, events, ourselves, etc. 「should」 be, or how they』re going to be. When these 「shoulds」 are violated anger and disappointment tends to be the natural response.

So who cares? Why is this important? To answer those questions I』m going to tell you a story.

A Realistic Job Preview

Once upon a time, I worked at a call center doing market survey research. You know, those friendly people who call you at the most annoying and inopportune times to ask you take a short 5 minute survey? Yeah, I was that guy. You』re welcome.

To be honest, it was a rough job, but on the bright-side I got to learn some useful social skills, and a lot of cool new swear words, so it wasn』t all bad. However, looking back I think that one of the most useful things that job taught me was the importance of expectation management.

The job interview was easy. As long as you had a pulse, a willingness to work, and could intelligently operate a telephone you were in. However, after I got hired I wasn』t allowed to start working until I attended a 1-hour meeting with many of the other new hirees. In this meeting they gave us all a realistic, detailed, and rather disheartening preview of what it would really be like to work there. They let us know that we would likely have to deal with a LOT of angry, rude, and obnoxious people on a daily basis, that we would have to work long hours, that we would be working at a desk surrounded by lots of other people, that there were rotating shifts using the same desks so we couldn』t put up pictures or anything personal... on and on it went. They even played a recording of a sample call in which a guy named 「Gary」 found a lot of creative ways of telling the operator to go to hell before he finally hung up.

At the end of it all I was asked 「Are you sure that you can handle these working conditions?」 If not, no hard feelings. Every one of us was free to opt out. There were one or two that decided against working there, but believe it or not, the vast majority of the people in that meeting, along with myself, chose to stay, despite knowing how hard it would be. Turns out this response was pretty typical of the job preview meeting.

Now years later I understand the wisdom of that one-hour meeting. It was expectation management at its finest. See, it』s not uncommon for call centers to have ridiculously high annual turnover rates. People quitting left and right. However, a raft of studies found that this technique of giving potential employees a 「warts-and-all」 view of what they can expect day-to-day cuts those turnover rates down significantly. Everyone goes into the job rid of any rose-colored glasses knowing exactly how good and how bad it will be. That way, the first time they get a client that screams at them they』re not so shocked, angry, and disappointed that they soon quit. They were fully expecting it and taught how to handle it.

This technique doesn』t just work for call centers, it』s been shown to work in a variety of different professions and situations, and it can work wonders for you & your family.

So the next time you see a potential disappointment on the horizon, or when you might have to deviate from the norm let your child know well in advance. Will it stress them out? Probably. Is it still preferable to them having their expectations for what 「should」 be shattered in the moment? Definitely. When we manage other』s expectations by being straightforward about what』s realistically possible it』s a way of vaccinating them against future anger and disappointment.

Not to say that we should spend our days outlining every bad thing that could possibly go wrong. If you told Johnny we』re having spaghetti for dinner (his favorite), but you』re only 50% sure that you』ll be able to get to the store today to acquire the ingredients then it』s probably a good idea to inform him of the real possibility that we might be having chicken instead.

Also, want to know what』s even better than managing expectations?

Co-creating them!

Meaning, we create the plans and protocols together, and you have a valid voice and a part in making those decisions. Some examples of this would be creating a menu plan as a family, or drafting a Responsibility Agreement with your child.

Here』s the bottom line, folks: violated expectations are THE single most common source of anger, frustration & Defense Mode that we see every day in our own relationships, and in the lives of the thousands of individuals just like you that we interact with on a daily basis.

So learning how to effectively manage expectations is probably one of the most important relationship skills you could ever learn. In fact, it』s so important there』s a whole entire section of our Communication course devoted to just that.

Just think about how much conflict and disappointment could be instantly removed from your relationships by applying this one simple technique. So go ahead, give it a try. The results might surprise you.

Want more help & step-by-step guidance on managing expectations and communicating effectively with people with Aspergers? Get our Foundations of Communication course here.