被別人傷害之後，你會選擇報復，還是原諒？

我會先說自己為什麼反對報復，再提出不一樣的解決方法。

 02 

A Few Arguments Against Revenge

我們為什麼不該選擇報復？

So why not just do what feels right, and lash out at them somehow? There are some big problems with that:

你也許會想：「何不幹脆想什麼就做什麼，直接跟他們算賬呢？」這麼做的問題可大了：

1. It doesn』t actually make you feel better. Retaliating might feel good in the moment, but you won』t feel better about yourself. You』ll just be sinking to a lower level and feeling bad about yourself.

• 報復並不會讓你覺得好過一些。

  報復雖然可能會讓你在當下覺得很爽，但是你絕對不會為此而對自己感到更滿意。報復只會讓你的人性降得更低，使你對自己感到愧疚。

2. It hurts the relationship. You lash out because you』re hurt, but in doing so, you』re going to hurt and anger the other person. Your relationship actually gets worse. You might argue that it』s their fault, but actually, no, you』re contributing to this as well.

   報復會損害彼此的關係。

   你之所以出口傷人，是因為你自己受了傷，但是你這麼做也會傷害、激怒對方。實際上，你們之間的關係將會惡化。或許你會說，這一切都是對方的錯，但是實際上，你自己也要負起部分責任。

   You might argue that you don』t care, you don』t want a relationship with a person who would hurt you, and that might be true. Just be sure you』re not saying that out of anger, but you』ve calmed down and made that rational assessment.

• 或許你會說：「我不管！我不要跟一個傷害我的人維持任何關係！」也許你會真的這樣想，但是你要先確保自己已經冷靜了下來，理性地做出了評估，才能說出這樣的話；這種話是不能當成氣話來說的。

3. You』re just allowing yourself to act on impulse and fear. When we lash out at someone because they mistreated us, it』s not from a rational assessment of what will be best for us, or best for the situation. It』s an impulse that is borne from fear and anger. While this is a natural reaction, I』ve found that it』s not the best idea to just follow our impulses without pausing to consider.

   你只是在允許自己衝動、恐懼地行事。

   當我們被別人惡意對待的時候，我們之所以對他們發火，不是因為自己已經理性地評估了自身的利益和當下的狀況。發火，是一個出自恐懼和憤怒情緒的衝動反應。這種反應雖然很正常，但是我發現，跟隨衝動而不停下來思考，絕對不是最好的解決方法。

   This leads to impulse problems like eating too much junk food, distraction, procrastination, addiction to video games or TV, and more. Instead, we should get in the habit of pausing whenever we have an impulse, letting the fear subside, and instead considering what』s best for the situation. We shouldn』t let ourselves get caught up in a story in our heads about what this person did to us and how wrong they are. That』s not helpful.

• 衝動只會導致各種問題，比如：零食攝取過量、注意力不集中、拖延行為、對電子遊戲或電視上癮等等。與其陷入衝動問題，倒不如培養一個好習慣：當我們有所衝動的時候，我們應該先停下來，讓恐懼情緒消退，再想出一個最適合當下狀況的應對方法。我們不應該在腦子裡編故事，一味想著這個人如何對待我們、犯了多大的錯，因為這樣的想法對自己毫無幫助。

• 

4. It doesn』t actually make people respect you more. Lashing out in anger or fear is not a recipe for earning people』s respect. In my experience, people actually respect you less if you retaliate against others. Maybe they』ll want to be around you less. But that』s out of fear or dislike of your behavior, not respect. I tend to respect people more who can handle things maturely and with calmness and compassion.

• 報復並不會使別人更尊重你。

  因為憤怒或恐懼而辱罵別人，是絕對贏不到別人的尊重的。以我的經驗來說，對他人進行報復，實際上會使別人更不尊重你。也許他們會更不願意接近你，但是他們這麼做並不是尊重的表現，而是出自他們對你的行為的恐懼或反感。我本身會比較尊重那些可以成熟、淡定、富同情心地處理各種問題的人。

5. You』re not being your bigger self. It』s easy to act on our impulses, but what we really want is to become out bigger self. That means the best version of ourselves that we can be — and forgiving ourselves, of course, when we don』t do that.

   你還沒成就自己的 「大我」。

   我們很容易就會衝動行事，但是我們實際上應該做的，就是成為自己的大我，也就是說，我們必須成為最好的自己；當然，當我們沒能做到的時候，我們也要原諒自己。

   The bigger self is one that forgives, is compassionate, doesn』t act out of fear or anger, and handles things maturely. This isn』t always easy to do, so we shouldn』t think of it as an 「ideal」 to always strive for, but as a guideline for how to act when we』re able to consider things with calmness.

• 我們的 「大我」 會原諒別人，會對別人同情，不會出自恐懼或憤怒情緒而行事，也會成熟地處理事情。這麼做未必一定容易，所以我們不應該把這種標準當成是一個必須時刻追求的「理想」。不過，當我們能夠心平氣和地思考的時候，我們的行為就要符合這種標準。

So if retaliation and revenge aren』t the best ideas, what』s better?

那麼，如果說報復不是最好的解決方法，那什麼才是比較好的做法呢？

 03 

A More Compassionate Approach

更有同情心的做法

I believe a more compassionate approach is better, because:

我認為，同情才是更好的做法，因為：

• You』re being your better self.

  你會成為更好的自己。

• It makes you feel better about yourself.

  這樣做會讓你對自己感到更滿意。

• You earn the respect of others by being more mature.

  你會變得更成熟，從而贏得別人的尊重。

• It helps your relationships.

  這樣做會改善你和他人的關係。

• It is a kind thing to do to the other person, who is obviously having difficulties.

  當對方明顯遇到問題的時候，同情他們就是善良的做法。

• It makes the world a better place, one relationship at a time.

  每一次改善自己與他人的關係，都會讓世界變得更好。

You might disagree with these reasons, but I』ve found them to be true. Here』s how to do it.

你可能不會同意這些原因，但是我發現，這些理由千真萬確。那麼，我們該怎樣做才能更加表現出同情心呢？

1. Pause instead of acting on impulse, fear and anger. Notice when you』re about to lash out from anger and fear. Instead of acting on that impulse, pause. Breathe. Take a timeout. Consider your actions before acting.

• 與其出自衝動、恐懼、憤怒情緒而行事，不如先停下來片刻。

  當你覺得快要因為憤怒或恐懼而發飆的時候，你就要注意了。不要憑著衝動行事；先停下來，深呼吸，暫時什麼都不要做。在做出任何行動之前，先想想你所要做的行動。

2. Stay with the physical feeling, instead of the story. When you』re angry or afraid, there is a story in your head that』s causing it (「They』re being so rude!」) … instead of dwelling on this story, bring your attention to how this feels in your body, physically.

   不要停留在故事中；要停留在你身上的感覺。

   你的憤怒或恐懼情緒，都是腦海中的一個故事（比如：「他們實在太無禮了！」）引發出來的。不要停留在這個故事中：你要把注意力轉向這個故事在你身上引發的感覺。

   Where is the feeling located — in your chest, stomach, neck, face? What physical sensations can you notice? Stay with these feelings as long as you can, returning to them when you notice your attention going back to the story (「Why do they need to act this way?」). Stay with the feeling, and give it some compassion.

• 這些感覺出現在你身上的哪些部位？是胸部，腹部，頸項，還是臉部？你在這些部位注意到了什麼樣的感覺？你要停留在這些感覺上，時間越長越好；每當你注意到自己開始回到故事（「他們為什麼要這樣做？」）的時候，你就要回到身上的感覺，停留在那裡，再給予這些感覺一些同情。

3. Enlarge your perspective to see their difficulty. Once you』ve stayed with the feeling for a few moments, see if you can get out of your you-centered story, and embiggen your perspective to include what the other person is going through.

   擴大你的視角，看看他們的難處。

   在這些感覺上停留片刻之後，你要看看自己能不能放下你那個以自己為中心的故事，去擴大你的視角，看看對方所經歷的遭遇。

   Are they having a bad day? Are they suffering through some difficulty? Feeling fear or anger? Do you know what it』s like to go through that yourself? When you realize the other person is probably having a difficult time, struggling with something … you might find some compassion in your heart for what they』re going through, in addition to the offense you feel. This is the space you want to enter.

• 他們那天是不是過得不順利？他們是不是遇到了一些困難？他們是不是覺得恐懼、憤怒？你知不知道經歷這樣的事情是什麼樣的一種體驗？你雖然感到被冒犯，但是當你意識到對方可能陷入了困境的時候，你也許也會在內心深處為對方感到些許的同情。這就是你要進入的狀態。

• 

4. Ask: What is the most compassionate thing you can do for both of you? Is it having a gentle conversation with them? Is it ending the relationship so you don』t hurt each other? Is it getting a third party involved so you can resolve the situation? Is it just listening to their complaints? There are lots of options — try to consider ones that don』t originate from your anger or fear, but instead are compassionate.

• 問問自己：

  你能為彼此做出的最富同情心的事是什麼呢？是不是要平心靜氣地與他們交談？是不是應該為了避免互相傷害而結束這份關係？是不是應該要求第三方介入，讓事情得以解決？又或是只需要聽聽他們抱怨就行了？可能的解決方法有很多；你要盡量考慮一些出自同情而非憤怒或恐懼的解決方法。

5. What do you need to do to respect yourself? I』m not suggesting that you be a 「pushover」 and let other people walk all over you. Compassion isn』t about not respecting yourself — in fact, it』s the opposite. You often need to take steps to protect yourself, so you don』t get hurt.

   你需要怎麼做，才能尊重自己呢？

   我並不是在說你必須讓別人騎在你脖子上欺負你。同情他人，並不代表你必須放棄對自己的尊重；事實與此完全相反。通常情況下，你需要採取一些步驟來保護自己，這樣才能避免自己受到傷害。

   Or at least to speak up for yourself. It』s not compassionate to remain silent when you』re being hurt. But at the same time, you can respect yourself if you make your concerns clear in a gentle way. Or set your boundaries with the other person firmly, but without anger.

• 就算保護不了自己，你至少也要為自己爭口氣。受到傷害卻保持沉默，並不是同情的行為。但是，只要你能明確、溫和地說出自己的顧慮，你還是能尊重自己的。又或者，你也可以堅定（但不生氣）地跟對方劃清界限。

6. What』s the most loving thing you can do for them? This might be listening to them, giving them a hug, showing them that you care. But it also might be letting them go, because your relationship with them isn』t helping them.

   你能為他們做出的最有愛心的事是什麼呢？

   你也許要聽聽他們說話，擁抱他們，向他們表示關心。但是，你也有可能必須與他們斷絕關係，因為你和他們的關係並沒幫助到他們。

   Or creating some space, at least for a little while, so they can have time to cool down (and you can too). There are lots of options, but considering this along with how to love and respect yourself, is where you want to be.

• 又或者，你可能需要至少短時間之內不聯絡，給他們（還有你自己）一些時間冷靜下來。你能做出的愛心行為也有很多。所以，你除了想想如何愛自己、尊重自己之外，也要想想如何通過行動來愛對方；這就是你的目標。

None of this is easy. I』m not claiming there are miracle solutions. But it』s not easy to hurt your relationship with escalating retaliations, and it』s not easy to deal with resentment and anger in yourself. Compassion isn』t easier, but it does bring greater happiness all around.

這一切做起來都不容易。人與人之間的衝突，是不太可能奇蹟般地解決的。但是，

通過進一步進行報復來破壞彼此的關係，是一件非常困難的事；處理自己的怨恨和憤怒情緒，同樣也不是易事。

帶著同理心去感受對方、這並不見得更容易，但是這樣做絕對能讓彼此都收穫到更多的快樂。

- The End -

- 出品 ◎ 壹心理翻譯社 -

譯者簡介：搬那度。

喜愛翻譯，對心理學很感興趣，強烈認為精神健康是一個應該公開討論的課題。

? 

本譯文由壹心理翻譯社譯制，英文原文版權歸原作者所有，文章內容不代表壹心理及譯者觀點或立場。未經允許，禁止轉載。原文標題：《The Eternal Dilemma: Revenge or Forgiveness?》。

· 壹心理精選 ·