GMAT寫作段落修改集錦（一）

來自專欄倩倩老師聊留學英語學習1 人贊了文章

之前講了很多關於GMAT寫作思路的文章，今天來看看到底段落應該怎麼來展開。作為留學考試類中最高等級的考試之一，GMAT寫作對於文章的邏輯性，辭彙與語法的多樣性和複雜性要求自然要比雅思托福要高出一節，這也是為什麼很多學生即使反覆考試，寫作成績也無法突破3分的主要原因。

倩倩老師將會持續更新GMAT學生的文章分析與修改，供大家學習參考。

The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life.

Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession. Helioss unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the regions manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.

我們在這裡以其中的一處因果錯誤為例，來討論邏輯錯誤的段落論證。具體這個因果錯誤是指：作者錯誤地把Helios地區的低失業率與企業選址的優先考慮因素之間建立了因果關係。換句話說，就是作者認為Helios 地區的低失業率會是吸引企業來Helios 投資的重要吸引力。

我們先來看看一位學生對於這一問題展開的段落討論（文段存在問題）。

The article suggests that the city of Helios has favorable environment for corporations to develop new business opportunities or a new location. Because Helios』s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. However, the causal relationship between the preference of corporation and lower unemployment rate is rather ambiguous. There are many other criteria for evaluating an investment condition, for example, government policies and total workforce. Unemployment rate is simply not enough. Also, unemployment rate that below the regional average does not mean it is the lowest in the region. More importantly, what region is that? Therefore, taking relatively low unemployment rate as an advantage of Helios is not every convincing.

學生的錯誤問題：

學生：The article suggests that the city of Helios has favorable environment for corporations to develop new business opportunities or a new location.

倩倩老師會建議大家用介詞+名詞短語的形式搭配因果關係的框架表達去總結邏輯錯誤。

改：The author established a causal relationship between the low unemployment rate in Helios and corporations』 developing priority to Helios.

學生：There are many other criteria for evaluating an investment condition, for example, government policies and total workforce.

倩倩老師會建議大家去把切合題目材料的例子逐一展開，論證文段的邏輯錯誤。論證質量的好壞取決於是否合理展開了例證說明，即使是用一個例子，只要能強有力的說明錯誤所在，就足以得到好分數。

改: However, this reasoning is fallacious that there are many other criteria for evaluating the investment condition, like the government policies. The government policies would offer powerful financial supports or even tax reduction to companies, which absolutely lead the choices of site selection of corporations.

學生：Also, unemployment rate that below the regional average does not mean it is the lowest in the region. More importantly, what region is that?

一定要記住我們在GMAT寫作中，一個主體段落只圍繞一處邏輯錯誤展開。即使是同一句中還存在其它錯誤類型，都不應該壓縮到一個段落展開。這樣做反而會顯得段落中邏輯思路混亂，嚴重的可能還會降低文章得分。

改：直接刪除

加上其它一些詞句語法的修改，完整版修改段落如下：

The author established an implausible causal relationship between the low unemployment rate in Helios and corporations』 developing priority to Helios. The author insists the under-regional-average unemployment rate would provide a beneficial investing environment for the corporations. However, this reasoning is fallacious since there are many other criteria for evaluating the investment condition, like the government policies. The government policies would offer powerful financial supports or even tax reduction to companies, which will absolutely lead the choices of site selection of corporations.