美國人對常春藤盟校的一個誠實（和刻板印象）的指南

美國人對常春藤盟校的一個誠實（和刻板印象）的指南

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作者來自常春藤達特茅斯

翻譯: Gemini K

常春藤被譽為是通往精英階層和成功永生的神秘大學。我高中的時候，很多的同學都說「如果我能進入常春藤大學，我這一輩子就不用愁了」。

這種觀念在中國就尤其強烈了，進入常春藤大學的競爭已經達到了歷史最高點。正好我剛從常春藤的其中一所畢業不久，我想我應該和來自常春藤聯盟其他學校的朋友一起向你們介紹一下我們自己的學校和其他常春藤學校在大家心裡的刻板印象。從一個內部學生的角度來介紹與討論，應該是最誠實與客觀的。

Harvard 哈佛大學

首先，他的讀音是「Haaaavaaard.」，用你那華麗的時髦的腔調說出來。

在美國有句老話——你怎麼知道有人上過哈佛？

-- 他們會主動告訴你。

作為美國排名最高的大學（除了普林斯頓大學，不過誰在乎他們呢），哈佛享有國際品牌的認可、尊重和羨慕。學生們都知道這一點。

當別人發現你去哈佛的時候，你的外表會在他們的眼前發生變化，看起來更聰明、更富有、更沾沾自喜。相信我，劍橋地下實驗室的研究生們已經在科學上證明了這一點。

哈佛是如此的特別，他們命名自己為紅色，並稱之為「crimson」。

大家為啥選哈佛：

使用富蘭克林羅斯福所使用的水槽，接受真正的世界級教育

真正選擇哈佛的原因：

為了展示比所有其他人都強

Princeton 普林斯頓大學

你知道嗎，根據美國新聞報道，今年普林斯頓大學實際上比哈佛大學還要排高一名？但是如果在兩者之間做出選擇，你仍然選擇哈佛，對吧？我就知道你是這麼想的。

普林斯頓就像個小弟弟，他的成績更好，錢賺得更多，表現得更謙遜……但卻永遠無法超越他那閃爍的哥哥的陰影，別人無論如何都很崇拜他哥哥。

出於這個原因，普林斯頓的學生通常會以尊重和謙遜的態度對待他人，直到他們發現你來自哈佛或耶魯。然後，他們將開始無休止地謾罵他們如何比你優越（「這是在官方排名中顯示的！快看看!」)

公平地說，也許普林斯頓學生的憤怒是合理的，因為他們是精英群體。就像他們的父母一樣，他們的父母可能是美國財富級別的前1%。

普林斯頓也恰好是整個常春藤聯盟中最缺乏想像力的代表。

大家為啥選普林斯頓：

看秋天的樹葉改變顏色，當你在自助餐廳看到約翰納什的時候和他high-five（不再適用這總情況了，RIP），並接受美國的排名第一的教育。

真正選普林斯頓的原因：

因為你沒辦法進哈佛

Yale耶魯大學

如果哈佛和普林斯頓是兩個經常互相競爭的兄弟，那麼耶魯就像一個年輕得多的小弟弟，他哭得很厲害，大聲尖叫，但是並他不會被認為和其他兩個孩子一樣。

「但我們培養出來的最高法院法官和哈佛的一樣多！」

「但是很多美國總統也去了耶魯！」（是的，謝謝你給了我們我們喬治w布希）

話雖如此，儘管芝加哥今年溜進了前三名，但耶魯仍然牢牢地佔據著著名的三巨頭「HYP」的位置，因此仍然處於常春藤聯盟的第一梯隊。

所以最終，耶魯是可以的，成為最好群體里最壞的那一個也是不羞恥的。

大家為啥選擇耶魯：

去嘗試人們從未聽說過的毒品，討論政治和法律幾個小時，並親身體驗在美國紐黑文的槍支文化。

真正選擇耶魯的原因：

等待某一天變成總統

Columbia哥倫比亞大學

哥倫比亞是最無聊的常春藤之一， 現在就告訴你為什麼。

它不是勢利的「HYP」一部分，但仍然擁有堅實的學術能力。

它的位置，紐約，太多樣化了，不能幫助學校定性。

它在幾乎所有學科中都很強大，但並不以任何特定的研究領域而出名。

它試圖用學校的顏色來代表前衛，但淡藍色實際上是一個看似保守的選擇，因為沒有人會討厭這個顏色。

哥倫比亞大學將永遠處於常春藤的中間，沒有在任何方向上極端化，因此也變得平淡無奇。

從表面上看，這似乎很有吸引力，因為沒有人會因為你去哥倫比亞而討厭你。但是，如果你不打算去找那些「討厭」的特殊人，為什麼要去一所常春藤盟校呢？

大家為啥選哥倫比亞大學：

去公園裡面下象棋，去認識來自全世界不同角落的人，並且擴大學術視野

真正去哥倫比亞的原因：

因為你被耶魯大學 Wailist了。

University of Pennsylvania

賓夕法尼亞大學

UPenn可以被比作有科比在的老洛杉磯湖人隊，只有他卻沒有其他的好球員。

這所學校有幾個缺點——它的藝術和科學學院的聲譽很差；在一個衰落的城市裡，經常被誤認為是賓夕法尼亞州立大學。

然而，UPenn保留了一個亮點，它的光芒如此閃耀，幾乎可以挽回所有的弱點。這就是沃頓商學院，到目前為止，它是全球最好的本科商科課程，也是一位美國億萬富翁後來成為了總統的人的母校。

在UPenn，沃頓商學院的學生平均比其他人多出20點IQ。

與加州大學洛杉磯分校被戲稱為「有許多亞洲人」類似，UPenn被稱為「猶太人賓大」，因為它吸引了大量的猶太學生。

大家為啥選賓大：

體驗大型校園環境，享受休閑的社交氛圍，為費城運動隊加油助威。

真正選擇賓大的理由：

沃頓商學院

Dartmouth 達特茅斯學院

我們終於來到了我的母校達特茅斯學院。經常被問「在哪裡？」 「Da—dat—datmath？那是一所常春藤盟校嗎？我從來沒聽說過。」

作為常春藤盟校中最小的成員，達特茅斯的品牌知名度較低，尤其是在美國以外的地區，它坐落在一個寒冷而偏僻的小鎮上，大家喜歡休閑地在篝火旁喝著酒精。

達特茅斯的學生們是謙遜的。如果在校園方圓100公里範圍內沒人走動，校友們就不會覺得自己高人一等。如果哈佛代表了精英主義、文雅的都市人，那麼達特茅斯看起來就代表了一個隨和的、省級的農場男孩。

達特茅斯擁有最具活力的希臘派對生活，在所有的常春藤中，常常產生了最嚴重的飲酒者。

大家為啥選達特茅斯：

在滑雪板上，與一個緊密團結的社區建立聯繫，並利用學校的強大本科資源來武裝自己。

真正選擇達特茅斯的原因：

為了逃避世間的文明組織

Brown 布朗大學

有人提醒這所學校，嬉皮運動在20世紀60年代和越南戰爭後就死亡了。

布朗鼓吹其自由主義的教育方式，強調學生的靈活性和自由思考。在現實中，布朗就像那個母親，她讓熊孩子們在公共場合尖叫，因為她不想「限制個性」。

對布朗來說，有組織是終極邪惡的縮影。畢竟,自由應該允許大家發現他們真正的自我……因此布朗里大多數學生是吉他演奏癮君子，也可能會為了一科藝術歷史花一小時向他的朋友解釋如何欣賞梵高那「看到隱藏的美」的星夜名畫。

大家為啥選布朗：

抽大麻，培養天真的理想主義，享受常春藤盟校最簡單的學術課程

真正選擇布朗的原因：

為了得到艾瑪沃特森的電話號碼

Cornell 康奈爾大學

康奈爾大學是一所常春藤盟校，就像冥王星是九大行星一樣，幾乎不存在。它是常春藤盟校里每個笑話的笑點。每當其他常春藤大學的學生想要開懷大笑時，他們就會大聲說「康奈爾」。

儘管康奈爾大學是常春藤盟校的「啞巴表親」，但它實際上實施了一堆充滿活力和挑戰性的課程。眾所周知，他們屬於常春藤里 「很容易進入，很難通過」的一所。

康奈爾大學的學生承受著巨大的學術壓力和其他常春藤大學的不斷嘲笑。它在紐約伊薩卡的廣闊而貧瘠的土地上，學生最常見的消遣是農場和趕牛。

儘管如此，學生們還是享受常春藤盟校中最多樣化、最美味的食物。而且，食物是評判大學好壞的最重要的標準之一，康奈爾大學因為這一點就可以笑到最後。

大家為啥選康奈爾：

吃得好，成為下一個大型酒店大亨

真正選擇康奈爾的原因：

這是唯一接受你的常春藤

An Honest (and Stereotypical) Guide to the Ivy League

Ivy League schools are believed to be mythical institutions that safeguard the secrets to lifelong success and prestige. Back when I was in high school, I heard multiple classmates proclaim that 「if only I can get into an Ivy, I』d be set for life.」

This perception is especially strong in China, and the competition to break into an Ivy has reached an all-time peak. Since I recently graduated from an Ivy, I thought I』d share what stereotypes actual Ivy League students hold of their own schools and other Ivies. Here is an honest guide to the Ivy League, from an insider student』s perspective.

Harvard

First of all, it』s pronounced, 「Haaaavaaard.」 Say it with your silkiest posh drawl.

There』s an old saying in America – how do you know if someone went to Harvard? They』ll tell you.

As the country』s highest ranked university (besides Princeton but who cares about them), Harvard enjoys international brand recognition, esteem, and envy. And the students know it.

When others discover that you go to Harvard, your physically appearance will actually shift in front of their eyes to look smarter, richer, and smugger. Trust me, it』s been scientifically proven by the hoard of grad students residing in Cambridge』s basement laboratories.

Harvard is so special, they made up their own name for red and called it 「crimson.」

Why choose Harvard: To row boats, use the same sink that Franklin Roosevelt used, and receive a truly world-class education

Real reason to choose Harvard: To be better than everyone else

Princeton

Did you know that according to US News, this year Princeton is actually ranked #1 above Harvard? But if given a choice between the two, you still definitely pick Harvard right? Thought so.

Princeton is like that younger brother who earns better grades, makes more money, acts more humble… but can never eclipse the shadow of his scintillating older brother who everyone adores no matter what.

For this reason, Princeton students generally treat others with respect and humility, until they find out you』re from Harvard or Yale. Then they』ll embark on an endless diatribe about how they』re superior to you (「It』s shown in the official ranking! Look at the research!」)

To be fair, maybe Princeton students』 indignation is justified because they seriously are an elite bunch. As in, their parents are probably in the top 1% of America』s wealth hierarchy.

Princeton also happens to be home to the most unimaginative mascot across the entire Ivy League.

Why choose Princeton: To see autumn leaves change color, high-five John Nash when you see him in the cafeteria (no longer applicable, RIP), and receive America』s #1 ranked education

Real reason to choose Princeton: Because you didn』t get into Harvard

Yale

If Harvard and Princeton are two constantly competing siblings, then Yale is like the much younger baby brother who cries hard and screams loud, but there』s no chance in hell he』ll be considered as on the same level as the other two

「But we produced just as many Supreme Court justices as Harvard did!」

「But so many U.S. Presidents went to Yale too!」 (Yeah, thanks for giving us George W. Bush)

With that being said, despite the nonsense with UChicago sneaking into the top 3 this year, Yale still firmly holds its spot in the famous triumvirate 「HYP」 and therefore remains in the Tier 1 of Ivy League options

So at the end of the day – it』s okay Yale, there』s no shame in being the worst of the best.

Why choose Yale: To experiment with drugs people never heard of, debate politics and law for hours, and get a firsthand glimpse into America』s gun culture living in New Haven

Real reason to choose Yale: To be President someday

Columbia

Columbia is the most boring Ivy. Here』s why.

It』s not part of the snobby 「HYP」 but still boasts solid academics.

Its location, New York City, is too diverse to be stereotyped.

It』s strong in nearly every subject but isn』t famous for any particular field of study.

It tries to be avant-garde with the school color, but baby blue is actually a deceptively conservative choice because nobody can hate it.

Columbia will be forever slotted in the middle of the pack among Ivies, failing to polarize in any direction and therefore coming off rather bland.

On the surface, this seems attractive because nobody will hate you for going to Columbia. But think deeper… why go to an Ivy League school if you』re not going to rack up any haters?

Why choose Columbia: To play chess in parks, meet people from every corner of the globe, and expand academic horizons

Real reason to choose Columbia: You』re on the Yale waitlist

University of Pennsylvania

UPenn can be likened to the old LA Lakers back when they had Kobe but no other good players.

The school exhibits several disadvantages – weak reputation of its College of Arts and Sciences, location in a declining city, being frequently mistaken for Penn State...

However, UPenn retains one bright spot that shines so radiantly it nearly redeems every weakness. And that』s the Wharton School of Business, by far the best undergraduate business program offered globally and the alma mater of a certain U.S. billionaire turned President.

At UPenn, Wharton students possess an average of 20 extra IQ points than everyone else.

Similar to how UCLA is nicknamed 「U C a Lot of Asians,」 UPenn is referred to as 「Jew Penn」 for attracting tons of Jewish students.

Why choose UPenn: To experience a large campus environment, enjoy the casual social atmosphere, and cheer on Philadelphia sports teams

Real reason to choose UPenn: Wharton

Dartmouth

We finally arrive at my alma mater, Dartmouth College. Otherwise known as, 「Where? Da – dat – datmath? That』s an Ivy League school? I』ve never heard of it.」

As the Ivy League』s smallest member, Dartmouth suffers from weak brand name recognition, especially outside the U.S.A. It』s also located in a cold, isolated small town with nothing to do except huddling around a bonfire devouring alcohol.

Dartmouth students are humble by necessity. They can』t feel superior to anyone if nobody else even exists within a 100-kilometer radius of campus.

If Harvard embodies the elitist, refined urbanite then Dartmouth represents the easygoing, provincial farm boy.

Dartmouth also houses the most vibrant Greek Life system among all the Ivies, therefore producing the heaviest drinkers.

Why choose Dartmouth: To snowboard, bond with a tight-knit community, and take advantage of the school』s undergraduate focus

Real reason to choose Dartmouth: To escape organized civilization

Brown

Somebody remind this school that the hippie movement died after the 1960s alongside the Vietnam War.

Brown touts its liberal approach to education, which emphasizes student flexibility and free-thinking. In reality, Brown is like that mother who lets her children run around screaming in public because she doesn』t want to 「restrict individuality.」

For Brown, structure epitomizes the ultimate evil. After all, freedom allows someone to discover who they truly are…which in the case of most Brown students turns out to be a guitar playing pothead who took one Art History class then spends an hour lecturing his friends on how to 「glimpse the hidden beauty」 of Van Gogh』s The Starry Night.

If you』re exposed as a political conservative while attending Brown, you』ll most likely be stoned to death.

Why choose Brown: To smoke weed, cultivate naive idealism, and cruise along the easiest academic curriculum in the Ivy League

Real reason to choose Brown: To get Emma Watson』s phone number

Cornell

Cornell is an Ivy League school the same way Pluto is a planet. Barely. It sits as the punchline of every joke in the Ivy League. Every time students at other Ivies want to have a good laugh, they just say 「Cornell」 out loud.

Despite its position as the Ivy League』s dumb cousin, Cornell actually enforces a vigorous and challenging curriculum. It』s known to be, 「easy to get in, hard to get through.」

Cornell students suffer from high academic pressure and constant mockery by other Ivies. They also reside on the vast but barren land of Ithaca, New York where the most common pastime is heading out to farms and pushing over cows.

Nevertheless, students enjoy the most diverse and delicious food selection across the Ivy League. And since food is the most important metric when judging colleges, Cornell gets the last laugh after all.

Why choose Cornell: To eat well and become the next big hotel mogul

Real reason to choose Cornell: It』s the only Ivy you』re accepted to

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