找了留學文書修改機構之後，我才知道原來essay應該這麼寫;

08-15

60 人贊了文章

我是昨年申請的，前不久三個衝刺校中了我最想去的夢校。這次終於有時間也有心情來分享一下留學過程中的一些經驗（提心弔膽的日子終於結束啦哈哈）。

不得不表揚一下我的申請導師，

給你五顆星好評

（雖然他看不到這篇文章O(∩_∩)O哈哈~）！

這次我主要分享一下我的essay，有我自己寫的版本和導師修改後的版本以及我自己的解讀。話不多說，先上我自己的渣渣的原文吧！（我把個人信息都以XXX代替了）

At present, I am a philosophy major student studying in xxx University. I』m interested in analytic philosophy and world like to study it further after graduation, and I believe a Rutgers education can help me fulfill my dream. Because In the 2016 Fall term, I had been a non-degree exchange student at Rutgers for 3 months, and during this time I was attracted by the outstanding academic resources and excellent environment here.

Firstly, I would like to recall how I fall in love with analytic philosophy. When I was in high school, I read Russell』s by accident. At that time, although I did not clearly know what philosophy is, I was attracted by the subject. Then, when I was a freshman, I studied in an experimental class focusing on Humanities and Social Science. Thus besides taking the public basic courses, we can choose various introductions or reading seminars to take. These courses give me a picture of the outline of different Humanities subjects.

After that, during my sophomore, I took the western philosophy courses interesting me in advance, and these courses make me sure that I was interested in Western Philosophy. But due to various complicated reasons, most Chinese philosophy departments do not pay much attention to analytic philosophy, and most western philosophy courses I took are about the history of philosophy and continental philosophy. So I had not got involved in analytic philosophy before I met a respectable teacher during the spring semester of my sophomore year.

This teacher, XXX, told us a lot about Frege, Russell and Wittgenstein, and explained his original views about them to us. His patience and humor deeply touched me. So I communicated with him frequently and learned the general issues of analytic philosophy from him. And the deeper I understood analytic philosophy, the more firmly I want to study it further.

Fortunately, during the fall semester of my junior, I got a chance to study at Rutgers for 3 months. During the time I studied here, I audited three courses and took part in some reading seminars. For me, everything here is charming. The professor here are all responsible and kind, and the content of the courses are more fascinating compared with what I learned before. I can even choose any course I would like to take freely, and it is impossible at most Chinese Universities. Also, the campus is extremely beautiful; the colorful woods and classical buildings each complements the other. And the people here are all friendly and helpful.

More importantly, the philosophy department of Rutgers is incredibly outstanding; the professors teaching us are all distinguished , and the books and electronic resources here are abundant. And whenever I stood at the office building of the philosophy department, I was affected by the solemn and impassioned atmosphere there. Therefore, I believe that studying at Rutgers can help me have a deeper and wider understanding of analytic philosophy, and thus make it more possible for me to get the chance to study it further after graduation.

Furthermore, whether I can take philosophy as my life career in the future or not, I would like to contribution to the popularization of philosophy. When I was a sophomore, I took part in a philosophy club called and met a lot of friends there. As the academic minister of it, I organized several reading seminars and edited a magazine called 「the love of wisdom」 with the help of other members. And I know that Rutgers also has an active philosophy club. I will take part in it if having a chance, and I think these experiences will be useful when I want to organize similar activities in the future. That』s another reason why I choose Rutgers.

說實話我當時寫完這篇自我感覺還是蠻不錯的，我能保證的就是語法錯誤基本沒有，條理還算清楚。不過等我的申請導師交給我他幫我修改後的版本後，我徹底蒙圈了……

這是修訂過後的樣子……

把導師的批註放到正文後是這樣的：

完整的修改後的版本（我把導師給我寫的修改理由也放在正文里了）：

At present, I am a philosophy major（Major這個詞已經有「某專業學生」之意，所以刪掉後面的student） at（在某所高校學習，比較正式的介詞應用at, in更適合出現在口語里） XXX University. I』m interested in analytic philosophy and would like to bring my understanding of it to a whole new level after graduation（Study it further這類說法實在過於中式）. Thus, I am applying for the master』s program at Rutgers University（A Rutgers education 過於中式，至少也須用an education at Rutgers University） to help me fulfill my dream. In the 2016 fall term, I worked on a non-degree exchange program at Rutgers for 3 months（前後的表達方式決定了這部分不宜用過去完成時）, during which time I was attracted by the outstanding academic resources and excellent environment there.

Firstly, I would like to recall how I fell in love with analytic philosophy. When I was in high school, I read Bertrand Russell』s（英文名第一次在正文里出現的時候應用全名，因為叫羅素的人很多。正文里第二次出現同一個人的時候可以只寫姓） A History of Western Philosophy（英文稿子的正文裡面，出現書名的話，通常把書名斜體，且不加書名號） by accident. At that time, although I did not clearly know what philosophy is, I was attracted by the subject. Then, when I was a freshman at university（這段前面寫到高中時代，freshman在美國也可以指高一，但是根據文意此處明顯是指大一，因此需要加上大學一年級，否則會讓人有高一的錯覺）, I enrolled in an experimental class（Study in a class非常不地道） focusing on humanities and social science（人文社科本身是不需要首字母大寫的。如果有一門課的課程名字就是「人文社科」，則需要大寫。但此處明顯只是指這門課的側重點是人文社科）. Besides taking the public basic courses, we can choose various introductionary or reading lectures and seminars. These courses give me a picture（Give a picture about sth本身就是指對某事有大致了解，因此後面不需要再用outline來表達「概覽」的意思，語意重複） of different humanities subjects.

After that, during my sophomore year（可用as a sophomore/when I was a sophomore/during my sophomore year/second year）, I took the western philosophy courses that intrigued me most, which added to my passion in （西方哲學本身是不需要首字母大寫的。Western這詞在實際運用中首字母大寫不大寫皆可，特指西方的）this field. But due to various complicated reasons, most Chinese philosophy research centers do not pay much attention to analytic philosophy, and most western philosophy courses I took were about the history of philosophy and continental philosophy. Basically, I had little knolwedge about analytic philosophy before I met a respectable teacher during the spring semester of my sophomore year.

Prof. XXX told us a lot about G. Frege, B. Russell and L. Wittgenstein, and explained his original views about these leading philosophers』 theories to us. His patience and humor deeply touched me. So I communicated with him frequently and discussed the general issues of analytic philosophy with him. And the deeper I understood analytic philosophy, the more eager I became about expanding my knowledge in this realm.

During the fall semester of my junior year, I got a chance to study at Rutgers for 3 months in which I audited three courses and took part in some reading seminars. I was impressed by the stimulating teaching methods and the fascinating content of the courses. Also, the campus is extremely beautiful with dense woods and classical buildings creating a perfect learning environment for its students. Besides, I was amazed by the cultural diversity and how students from different backrgounds could learn from each other.

More importantly, the philosophy department of Rutgers has academic excellence like no other; the professors are prominent researchers and experts in philosphy, and the books and electronic resources are abundant. And whenever I stood at the building of the philosophy department, I was overwhlmed by the solemn and 「philosophical」 atmosphere there. Therefore, I believe that studying at Rutgers can help me have a more profound understanding of analytic philosophy, and make it possible for me to delve into it deeper after graduation.

Wherever I may end up in the future, I would like to contribute to the popularization of philosophy. When I was a sophomore, I participated in a philosophy club where I shared my opinions with others about different schools of philosophy（不同哲學流派）. As its academic minister, I organized several reading seminars and edited a magazine called the Love of Wisdom with the help of other members. I am appealed by the active philosophy club at Rutgers and keen to join it if possible, for I am certain these experiences will be useful to boost my knolwedge on philosphy. That』s another motive as to why I choose Rutgers.

我自己總結一下：

首先是語言層面，中式英語太多了（當我當時壓根就沒有反應過來好嗎……），

例子嘛，比如study it further，其實是個中式英語表達，我還寫了好幾次。

另外，英文寫作和中文寫作還是有很大的不同的，比如英文正文裡面如果出現書名，是不加書名號的，而且書名的首字母必須大寫。英文書名號一般是出現在引用裡面，也就是註腳和參考文獻部分

（我其實也沒注意這個，或者說壓根不知道）。

另外我那個Humanities，這個詞本身是不需要首字母大寫的，除非出現在書名/雜誌名/課程名等裡面，才需要首字母大寫（我有些地方是胡亂大寫了）。

從內容上講，我有的內容實在是多餘了，不該是一篇申請研究生的PS的內容。比如在寫為何申請這所高校的時候，我的原文寫的是這裡的人都很友好，教授也很負責友善這樣的字等等，雖然也沒啥大大毛病，但肯定也不是選校最重要的理由。我沒把重點寫出來，也就是要強調學校的獨特性

（我描述的那些放其他學校一樣也可以）。

另外一點就是，我對自己經歷的描寫實在太少了，然後又太集中在上過的課程上。

分享完畢！真的超級超級感謝我的申請導師O(∩_∩)O~也感謝幸運的自己遇到了靠譜的幫手。最後當然是推薦一下導師啦，如果大家感興趣的話，加這個微信了解吧：【admitwrite012】~好人做到底~文書我只推薦這個啦~