如果你不喜歡身邊的朋友，去結交新的吧If You Dont Like Your Friends, Get New Ones

新年前夜，我花了很多時間和一個一直在抱怨朋友們的人閑聊。就因為A對B做什麼了，B對C說什麼了，C就不原諒A了，之後又對B怨恨了，因為D又怎麼著了。這特么誰能管的了啊！在這個本應該和人出去玩的假期，我聽著這個人滔滔不絕地說著他們的問題，不禁想到底是什麼讓他能有如此時間和精力能夠梳理並去解決這麼多問題。人們常說有很多問題的人都樂在其中，或者沉溺於戲劇中，但這個人顯然沉溺於抱怨之中了。這幫人從沒遇到過沒有隔夜仇的朋友。

通常我是不會把人劃分到「有害」類別中，但我的一室友想到個更恰當的類別。我們都認識一位姑娘，很漂亮也很風趣，但她談起自己的問題時真是能讓人窒息。這種人的生活就像是宏大的歌劇似的——男朋友從不打電話之歌；男朋友B之歌；她配得上B這樣的男人之歌；古老宮頸感染之歌；為什麼每個人都是那麼可惡之歌等等。你總是能被淹沒在她的問題中，以至於你自己都沒問題了。為了總結她的這些光榮事迹，室友稱她為「情緒吸血鬼」。她就是靠吸食情緒活著的。即使身邊沒有這種人，你也會多多少少討論他們或者對他們的生活感到困擾。這樣，你便成了Regina的Gretchen Weiners。（二人均為電影《賤女孩》中的角色）

《賤女孩》

這種人並不是壞人，損友亦或是有害的，他們只是嚴於律人，寬於律己罷了。沒人想和無聊的人做朋友，這人還總是抱怨生活和身邊的人，身處痛苦之中。當遇見這樣的人，我們也會變成這樣，因為近墨者黑。我們應該去結交一些和我們一樣熱愛生活的人，與他們為伴時感受到幸福，真正的關心他們的問題，而不是跟他們喋喋不休或者一言不發等對方開口。如果覺得你的朋友對你無益且不搭調，那還和他做個什麼朋友？忍受別人對你的傷害有什麼意義？沒人強迫你和他做朋友嘛。

我知道與人絕交是很難的，尤其是在你們一起經歷了一些之後。這也是為什麼有人能忍受糟糕的男朋友數年之久，好萊塢還在繼續做奈特·沙馬蘭的電影。有時候很難說出不。想想那些從高中就混在一起的人，並不是說他們有多少共同點，只是因為他們懶得去或者不敢去結識新朋友罷了。就是惰性導致了缺少朋友的這種局面。打破常規，在未知領域尋找朋友是需要付出努力的，但人們不想付出努力。如果人們想，那麼《好漢兩個半》（美國情景喜劇）就不會那麼火了。面前有兩條路。要麼維持你這死氣沉沉的圈子，要麼就去找個能讓你不再抱怨、使你意識到其實你還能得到更好的圈子。其實你是可以選擇不再抱怨並且去做些努力。

我是不會提出一些毫無根據的建議的。根據我個人的經驗，這很有效，朋友之間的絕交對於雙方來說也成了件好事。幾年以前，一位老友和我都厭倦了對方。我們一見面就吵架，事實上我在朋友們身上花的時間太多，以至於忘記了友情的真諦。在一次吵架過後，我決定還是不再維持這種病態的友誼了，早死早超生。並不是因為我恨她或者她是個對我生活指手畫腳的賤人。我們只是不能讓彼此開心，是時候離開去找其他人了。

最近，我在一個咖啡館裡碰見了她，形同陌路之後多年的一次偶遇。時間太長以至於我都忘了當初為什麼和她絕交。她問我寫作的情況，過得怎麼樣。我問她藝術搞得怎樣，還被她藝術視野的所見給吸引了。我想起來以前和她一起去買奇形怪狀的繪畫用品，在店裡找顏料——這些點點滴滴讓我覺得和她做了回朋友很值。我並不是在懷舊，這些只是反映出我們當初做朋友的緣由。喝完咖啡，我們交換了電話號（其實我還留著她的號碼，我從來不刪東西）。幾周後又在一起吃晚飯。

席間，我終於在故事之外見到了她妹妹，長得和我這個失而復得朋友一模一樣。戴著頂大帽子，就像是朋友大一時候的克隆版。相似的嚇人，就像是阿諾德·施瓦辛格的電影，但還是很漂亮——發現了我這個永久朋友新的美麗之處。這就是友誼的真諦。在失而復得之後，我才發現我丟了什麼。

This New Year』s Eve, I spent a great deal of time with a casual acquaintance who insisted on complaining about his friend group situation — because A had done something to B who said something to C who had never forgiven A for this and that but was harboring resentment toward B about D and who the hell gives a shit. As I listened to this person wax on and on about their problems — on a holiday in which we were supposed to be finding people to make out with — I wondered what could possibly possess this person to devote so much time and energy to hashing all of this out or (even worse) dealing with this crap all the time. They say that most people who have lots of personal problems like having them, or are addicted to drama, but this person just seemed addicted to complaining. They never met a friend they couldn』t have a grudge against two days later.

I generally dislike labeling people as 「toxic, 」 and an old roommate of mine came up with a better term. We both knew this girl — who while being charming and incredibly interesting — seemed to suck up all the oxygen in the room with her personal problems. This was the kind of person whose life attracts 「grand dramas」 — the Ballad of the Boyfriend Who Never Calls, the Operetta of the B- When She Deserved a B, the Rhyme of the Ancient Yeast Infection, the Dirty Limerick of Why Everyone Is Terrible — and when you were around her, you were always so wrapped up in her problems you could never focus on your own. To encapsulate her glory, my roommate called her an 「emotional vampire.」 She feeds on feelings. Even when you』re not around this type of person, you have a way of talking about them or obsessing about their life. You become the Gretchen Weiners to their Regina.

It』s not that people like this are bad people, bad friends or toxic friends; they just require more work to be friends with than what is emotionally healthy. No one wants to be around a person who finds so little joy in their life, who complains incessantly about their life or everyone around them, who is in the business of misery. When we are with people like this, we become more like them — because we are what we surround ourselves with. We should be surrounded by people who love life as much as we do, feel blessed to be in the company of their friends and are genuinely interested in their problems — rather than steamrolling them or just waiting for their turn to speak. And if you』re friends with someone who isn』t good for you or isn』t compatible, why be friends with them? What』s the point in putting up with someone who bleeds you dry? No one』s forcing you to be friends.

I know it can be difficult to 「cut people off」 — especially when you have a history together. It』s why people put up with terrible boyfriends for years and why Hollywood keeps making M. Night Shyamalan movies. It』s hard to say no sometimes. Think about those people you know who have been friends with the same group of people since high school, not necessarily because they have that much in common but because they』re too lazy or scared to find new friends. It』s inertia, the path of least friend resistance. Breaking out and seeking friends outside of what you』ve known takes effort, and people hate effort. If people liked effort, Two and a Half Men wouldn』t be so popular. But you can either keep enabling your own circle of emotional death or get to that point where you can』t complain anymore and decide you deserve better. You can stop kvetching and do something about it.

Because I don』t give advice without backing it up, I have empirical proof that this works and friend break-ups can actually be good for everyone. A few years ago, a longtime friend of mine and I were at the point where we were just sick of each other. We spent more time fighting over my schedule or the fact that I 「was too busy for my friends」 than actually being friends. And after one quarrel too many, I decided to just shoot our ailing, disease-ridden friendship in the head. I put it out of its misery. It wasn』t that I hated this person or found her to be scum sucking rode whore who was ruining my life. We just weren』t making each other happy anymore, and it was time to move on and see other people.

And recently, I ran into this person at a coffee shop, years after the end of our first friendship. It had been so long that I actually couldn』t remember why we broke up in the first place. She asked me about my writing and what I was doing with myself and I asked her about her art, genuinely interested in where her vision had taken her. I remembered going to buy weird art supplies with her and finding materials in package stores — the small moments that made being friends with her worth it. I wasn』t feeling nostalgia, just a reflection of all of the reasons we were friends in the first place. After getting coffee, we exchanged numbers again (although I still had hers, because I never delete things) and met up again a few weeks later for dinner.

At this dinner, I finally met her sister for the first time — despite having heard about her in stories — and she looked so much like my friend that I was taken aback. It was like my friend had been cloned as a college freshman who wore floppy hats. I found it a little creepy, like an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, but also beautiful — the discovering a new part of someone I』d known forever. This is what friendship was really like. I didn』t even know what I was missing until I found it.

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