12. IMPRESS AND CONCEAL

Express and reveal

Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it』s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.

—Brené Brown

TO EXPRESS MYSELF—TO openly share my thoughts and feelings—is to risk being rejected and hurt by others. But choosing not to express myself and to hide behind a facade, no matter how impressive that facade is, is a form of self-rejection that leads to unhappiness and discontent. While it is the case that if I am true to myself others may not like what they see, it is certain that if I constantly put on a show, eventually I will not like myself.

Putting on a facade is often an indicator of low self-esteem. But far from being a fix for the problem, pretending to be someone I am not has the effect, over time, of lowering my self-esteem. Moreover, even if others like what they see when I put on a show, it is not me that they like, but the person I am pretending to be. When I choose the real over the unreal, the authentic over the inauthentic—when I express rather than impress—I no longer apologize for who I am. I allow my inner light to shine.

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PROFESSOR BRENé BROWN STUDIED people who enjoy a high self-esteem. Her objective was to understand what it was about them that was different from people who feel unworthy. The one distinguishing characteristic that she identified was courage—courage to be imperfect and to be vulnerable.

Rather than constantly being concerned about whether their love would be reciprocated, they gave love first. Rather than choosing not to apply for a position they really wanted but had little chance of getting, they plunged in. Rather than concerning themselves about how they would be perceived, they were authentic—「willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.」 Rather than hide their vulnerabilities and imperfections, they shared them.

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, to let go of the mask of perfection, is very hard. Vulnerability comes at a price—it can hurt a lot! But this cost is negligible compared to the cost we pay when we suppress part of our humanity. When we do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are also suppressing our joy and happiness and the potential to cultivate deep and meaningful connections in our life.

Can you open up a little more, reveal part of your true self? Go on, be vulnerable, be real!