My False Consciousness (Or Love)

07-31

A relative of mine died today. She』s distant family and I』ve only met her a couple times. But it still makes me sad.

These days I often think about my grandparents. They are very healthy but nevertheless old. What if one day they get really sick and I』m thousands of miles away from them? I often want to ask my parents about my grandparents, but I almost never dare.

I really love old people. My grandparents, they』ve experienced the Civil War, the Great Leap Forward, the Cultural Revolution, etc. They』ve seen deaths and displacement. They』ve lived through starvation and desperation. What they』ve never done is give up their hope for a better tomorrow.

Now, you』d think for people like them, who』ve undergone so many hardships in their lives, it』d take a great deal of affection to heal their wounds. The truth is, however, for those who』ve suffered so much, just a drop of love is enough fill in the gaps of their broken hearts. And that is

why, now in their seventies and eighties, they feel content: Their kids (my parents) are happily married, have given birth to their grandson (me), don』t lack cars and houses—What else is missing in their lives? Old people never think about themselves, and that』s exactly why they』re so sweet.

In the past, I always considered myself the smartest guy in the world, and I had great ambitions. I swore I was going to be super rich, powerful, and envied by the whole world. I told the seniors in my family that Id never get married and have kids, because thatd just be a waste of time and get in my way. I cared so little about family ties; I sneered at Confucian values (like filial piety) on the cynical grounds that they were part of an oppressive ideology; I thought once I go to America I』d never get back to China.

How stupid of me! It was only recently that I started to understand what it means to have a warm heart and how futile my previous 「dreams」 were. Yes, one can be really individualistic, do what whatever he or she wants, and still feel great about oneself. But people like that are in fact the most worth pity, for they』ve never known what true love feels like.

I』m still down for a great fortune, and I』ll still strive for a bright future, but I』m not obsessed with them anymore. As of now, I only hope to get back home, be with my parents, and see to it that my grandparents are in good health. I want to tell them I no longer plan to stay single—I』ve met the girl I love, I will ask her to marry me, and their great-grandkids will be born in no time. I can only imagine how happy they』d be to hear that!

I suppose I』ve never been a good person in my life. I』ve not once treated those who care about me well and have always taken their love for granted. But I will be a better person now—thats a promise I made to myself—I have to.

And God, if possible, please rewind the past 23 years I』ve lived. I guess I still want to be a child. I liked chasing after dragonflies with my dad and running errands with my mom; I enjoyed taking strolls in the park with my grandparents; And I was fond of all my childhood freinds. I was really happy back then, so was everyone else.

July, 4th, 2018. New York.