Peter改雅思作文 很多時候你不是在舉例
來自專欄 Peter講雅思寫作
更多的私房乾貨關注微信公眾號:教雅思的Peter
如果有同學想讓我免費修改一下你的作文,可以私信我,或者在微信公眾號里找到我的聯繫方式
Many serial dramas on TV (e.g. soap operas)play an important social role.
Do you agree or disagree?
考生原文:
However, the negative impact of TV dramas also do exist due to some kinds of them. For instance, some people link violence on television with crime rates in the real world, since a few offenders watch and learn the skills and measures from the criminal or detective dramas. In addition, dramas could be additive for some persons who should study or work. They are exposed to the unreal plot and image themselves would be fabulously wealthy and famous as the characters in soap operas. It is absolutely a waste of time if people are addicted to dramas.
逐句分析:
01 However, the negative impact of TV dramas also do exist due to some kinds of them.
分析:impact應該用第三人稱單數的does。其實,due to some kinds of them很迷
修改:However, the negative impact of TV dramas does exist due to a few reasons.
02 For instance, some people link violence on television with crime rates in the real world, since a few offenders watch and learn the skills and measures from the criminal or detective dramas.
分析:這不是例子
修改:One drawback is that some people link violence on television with crime rates in the real world, since a few offenders watch and learn the skills and the measures from the criminal or detective dramas.
03 In addition, dramas could be additive for some persons who should study or work.
分析:拼寫錯誤 addictive
修改:In addition, dramas could be addictive for some people who should study or work.
04 They are exposed to the unreal plot and image themselves would be fabulously wealthy and famous as the characters in soap operas.
分析:這一句和前一句之間的邏輯關係是什麼
修改:This is because they are exposed to the forged plot and so image themselves to be fabulously wealthy and famous as the characters in soap operas to escape from their daily routine.
05 It is absolutely a waste of time if people are addicted to dramas.
分析:這句話不建議用if條件句,並且應該加強跟之前句子的聯繫
修改:Watching this kind of addictive drama can waste people』s time which they should spend on studying and making money, rather than daydreaming.
修改後的範文:
However, the negative impact of TV dramas does exist due to a few reasons. One drawback is that some people link violence on television with crime rates in the real world, since a few offenders watch and learn the skills and the measures from the criminal or detective dramas. In addition, dramas could be addictive for some persons who should study or work. This is because they are exposed to the forged plot and so image themselves to be fabulously wealthy and famous as the characters in soap operas to escape from their daily routine. Watching this kind of addictive drama can waste people』s time which they should spend on studying and making money, rather than daydreaming.
推薦閱讀:
※雅思考試到底該不該複議?
※雅思聽力裸考6分 練了半個多月還是6分 如何突破瓶頸 ?
※誰來幫我設計一個雅思自習複習計劃?請吃大餐
※備考中請問考過的烤鴨 有沒有聽過趴趴哇?