22. BE DEFENSIVE

Be open to suggestions

We say we want the truth; what we mean is that we want to be correct.

—Mihnea Moldoveanu

ONE OF THE DEFINING characteristics of perfectionists is their defensiveness in the face of criticism. Why? Because a criticism points out an imperfection, a flaw, and this is something that a perfectionist finds difficult to accept. Many people, not just perfectionists, find it difficult to truly be open and magnanimous when criticized. The price we pay for being defensive is extremely high, because dogmatically rejecting criticism is putting up a wall between us and potentially useful ideas, as well as between us and other people. We deprive ourselves of real growth as well as real intimacy.

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MY NAME IS TAL and I am a perfectionist.

According to psychologist Karen Horney, perfectionism—being a form of neurosis—never entirely goes away. However, while there are always remnants of a neurosis, it can potentially weaken over time and have less of a hold on us. Over the years, I have become less of a perfectionist, much of it thanks to the work I did—and am doing—around being less defensive.

When I realized and acknowledged that I was defensive—and realized the price I was paying for attacking and dismissing any and all unfavorable judgments—I decided to change. My approach was behavioral in nature. Specifically, I would solicit criticism from others—whether about my writing or my way of managing—and when the person obliged me I would hold myself back from responding. Initially, refraining from launching a harsh and dismissive diatribe was difficult, but over time it has become easier—not easy, but easier—for me to accept feedback.

Over the years, as I became more open and generous in my reaction to criticism, my personal and professional life improved significantly.

Make a point of soliciting feedback, of asking others where you can improve. And when you receive feedback, be open, really listen, and learn.