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題目

Some people say history is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today』s world. Subjects like science and technology are more important than history.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

學生的原文

The subject of history enables people to recognize multicultural countries. This means that people could be exposed in the different types of cultures like their rituals, clothes or even cuisine, which could expand horizons and enrich knowledge. As the expanding of our understanding, people could learn to perceive the world from different perspectives and be more tolerant. For instance, I used to be unacceptable about lesbian or gay, but after I got a chance to learn about the foreign culture, I could put myself on their position.

逐句分析

原句01：The subject of history enables people to recognize multicultural countries.

分析：這種題型body段首句要突出以下是他人觀點，不是自己的觀點

修改：there is a concern that historical subjects enable people to gain insight into a wide range of cultures from different countries.

原句02：This means that people could be exposed in the different types of cultures like their rituals, clothes or even cuisine, which could expand horizons and enrich knowledge.

分析：文化包括各種要素，比如儀式，服裝，飲食. Cuisine可數名詞

修改: this means that people could expose to characters of different cultures, including rituals, clothes or even cuisines, which could expand horizons and enrich knowledge.

原句3：As the expanding of our understanding, people could learn to perceive the world from different perspectives and be more tolerant.

分析：as後面應該跟原因狀語從句，the後面一般加可數名詞或者特指。

Understanding什麼東西，應該是理解歷史，從這裡開始已經開始跑題了

修改：as a result of having a better understanding of history, people can perceive the world from different perspectives and be more tolerant.

原句4：For instance, I used to be unacceptable about lesbian or gay, but after I got a chance to learn about the foreign culture, I could put myself on their position.

分析：這句話就是赤裸裸的跑題，因為題目說學歷史，這個例子是學文化，說的根本是兩個事情

同時，lgbt這個事情，沒有多少年歷史，不適合在這給題目里舉例

下面我重新舉個例子：

For instance, after studying Japanese history which helps me learn Japanese culture, I know how to exhibit appropriate manners during a Japanese tea ceremony.

修改後的文章：

There is a concern that historical subjects enable people to gain insight into a wide range of cultures from different countries. This means that people could expose to characters of different cultures, including rituals, clothes or even cuisines, which could expand horizons and enrich knowledge. As a result of having a better understanding of history, people can perceive the world from different perspectives and be more tolerant. For instance, after studying Japanese history which helps me learn Japanese culture, I know how to exhibit appropriate manners during a Japanese tea ceremony.