雅思寫作8分第一例PART3

來自專欄牛津公派博士小課堂

前文請見：

雅思寫作8分第一例PART1

雅思寫作提分請注意：

1. 千萬不要信奉各類雅思參考書以及官方範文
2. 6分以下提分到6關鍵是語言
3. 6分以上提分關鍵是內容邏輯論證

主體段落（第三段）原文：

To commence with, building refining is a money-consuming work as well as constructing. It is widely known that unexpected issues would take place in old buildings even though they are repaired, so that the government needs to constantly pay to fix parts that out of work. However, the amount of money will be sufficient to put up a new building, which can be put into use for a considerable period of time. As a result, to erect a new construction is comparatively more economical for the long run. Furthermore, new type of architecture can refresh a city』s atmosphere while the old ones are mostly out of the date.

點評：

1. 再次出現語法錯誤，用詞不當。

2. 整段論證缺乏邏輯性，想當然。——雅思寫作忌諱之四。如何證明新修的大樓確實比返修舊樓更省錢？

3. 段落內出現不相干內容——雅思寫作忌諱之五。論證段落論點是什麼，整個段落都要圍繞論點來寫，不要寫任何無關論點的內容。

主體段落（第三段）修改後：

Secondly, maintaining and repairing old buildings fails to erase their latent safety hazards. Simply maintaining and renovations would not accommodate various updated equipment that old buildings demand. Besides, their outdated structures disable the new equipment installation, which, as a result, render the old buildings a piece of fertile soil for accidents and crimes. For instance, due to the lack of updated firefighting equipment and excellent ventilating facilities, which can barely be solved through mere renovation, old constructions are likely to cause fire accidents, and lead to severe consequences. The statistics from an online survey shows that about 70% of the fire accidents in the past decade in China took place in outdated buildings, 90% of which can be rated as major accidents, causing great loss, injuries and deaths. Moreover, lack of advanced CCTV systems would make these old buildings ideal for committing such crimes as theft and robbery. Thus, renovating and repairing old buildings fails in eliminating possible safety risks for their residents, making their maintaining meaningless.

點評：

1. 具體詳實的例子作證，有說服力

2. 整個段落論證由大及小，由面及點，條理層次清晰。

3. 全文收尾呼應，段落完整統一

4. 論證觀點，符合常理，沒有想當然。

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