婚姻生活: [夫妻]之間該不該有所隱瞞?

In 47 years of marriage, there are a few things Sherri Mills hasn"t told her husband, Gerald, such as what she really spends on makeup. Or how she indulges the kids. 結婚47年來，謝莉?米爾斯(Sherri Mills)有幾件事沒有告訴她的丈夫傑拉爾德?米爾斯(Gerald Mills)，比如她真正花在化妝上的時間，比如她有多溺愛孩子。

But these things don"t compare with what Ms. Mills calls the "one real whopper of omission" in her relationship with her husband. It involved her ex-boyfriend, Jim. 但這些事情都無法與謝莉對丈夫隱瞞的「一個驚天秘密」相比。這個秘密涉及到她的前男友吉姆(Jim)。

In the early years of her marriage, living in the small town of Helper, Utah, Ms. Mills would sometimes run into Jim and his family, with whom she had once been close. Knowing her husband was prone to be jealous and hot-tempered, Ms. Mills would try to avoid her ex-boyfriend or, if that failed, then say as little as possible to him. She knew her husband was suspicious that she might still have feelings for her old flame. 謝莉剛結婚時，住在猶他州的小鎮赫爾普(Helper)。她有時會遇到吉姆和他的家人，她曾經與他們關係很親密。謝莉知道她的丈夫容易吃醋，脾氣暴躁，因此努力避免提到前男友，如果非得提不可，也儘可能地少提。她知道，丈夫懷疑她對舊情人還有感覺。

Then Ms. Mills learned that Jim"s mother was seriously ill and wanted to see her. Ms. Mills went to the hospital, where the woman made a deathbed request: Would Ms. Mills speak with Jim and encourage him to sell the family-owned business (a bar, then known in Utah as a club) and strive for a more-settled life? The woman believed Jim still loved his ex-girlfriend and would listen. 後來，謝莉知道吉姆的母親病重，想見見她。謝莉去了醫院，吉姆的母親臨終前向她提出一個請求：謝莉能否與吉姆談談，鼓勵他賣掉家族企業（一家酒吧，當時在猶他州被稱為俱樂部），尋求更安定的生活？吉姆的母親相信吉姆仍愛著這位前女友，並且會聽她的勸告。

Ms. Mills decided to try to help, yet she knew she couldn"t tell her husband. She made plans see Jim at his sister"s house, and brought her toddler son along to make sure the ex wouldn"t misunderstand. She stayed 20 minutes, then went home and didn"t tell her husband about the meeting for 40 years. "It kind of ate at me, " says Ms. Mills . "But I knew I did the right thing." 謝莉決定儘力幫忙，但她知道她不能告訴丈夫。她決定在吉姆姐姐的家裡與吉姆見面，並帶上了自己蹣跚學步的兒子，以確保前男友不會誤會。她在那兒待了20分鐘，然後就回家了。40年來她都沒有告訴丈夫這次見面。謝莉說：「這讓我寢食難安。但我知道我做的是對的。」

If you think this evasion sounds a lot like lying, you are right. But there are other names for the seemingly harmless lies spouses and romantic partners sometimes tell each other. 如果你認為這種逃避聽起來很像說謊，那麼你對了。但有一些其他的詞可以用來形容夫妻和情侶之間說的這種看似無害的說謊。

Hiding worries or concerns to shield your partner from something unpleasant, or even just to keep the peace? Researchers call this "protective buffering." Hiding something to protect yourself, such as how much you spent on your new toy? Researchers call that avoidance. Routine buffering can turn into avoidance or something worse. 掩飾自己的煩惱或擔憂，不讓伴侶知道會讓他們不快的事，或者只是為了保持和平？研究人員稱這為「保護性緩衝」。研究人員稱隱瞞某件事以保護自己──例如你花多少錢買的新玩具──為逃避。經常性的緩衝可以轉變為逃避，甚至更糟的情況。

Couples often wrongly assume full disclosure is always best, says Sean Horan, a professor of relational communication at DePaul University in Chicago. But even avoidance, when not excessive, can be a "productive strategy, " he says. Consider how you"d feel if your partner told you any or all of these: 芝加哥德保羅大學(DePaul University)的人際交流學教授肖恩?霍蘭(Sean Horan)說，夫妻經常錯誤地認為毫無保留總是最好的。但他說，當把握好分寸時，即使逃避也可能是一個「有效的策略」。想想看，如果你的伴侶告訴你下面這些話，你會作何感想：

"I left work early for a drink with that friend you hate." 「我提早下班是為了和你討厭的那個朋友一起喝酒。」

"I can"t stand your brother." 「我受不了你弟弟。」

"Yes, those jeans make you look fat." 「沒錯，你穿這條牛仔褲顯胖。」Often the more open partners are with each other, the less happy they are, says Marianne Dainton, a professor at La Salle University, in Philadelphia, whose research focuses on communication in personal relationships. In dozens of studies over the past 20 years, Dr. Dainton has found people often say sharing too much is a source of relationship dissatisfaction. 費城拉塞爾大學(La Salle University)的瑪麗安娜?丹頓(Marianne Dainton)教授說，通常伴侶對彼此越坦誠，他們就越不快樂。她的研究重點是人際交流。在過去20年的幾十項研究中，丹頓博士發現，人們經常說，過多地分享自己的想法是造成他們對婚姻關係不滿的原因之一。

Does being open lead to dissatisfaction? Or are dissatisfied people more likely to be open? Dr. Dainton says she doesn"t know. 坦誠相對會導致對婚姻關係的不滿嗎？還是說對婚姻關係不滿的人更可能坦誠相對？丹頓博士說她無從得知。

Avoiding a topic so as to avoid a fight is often good, Dr. Dainton says. But avoiding topics like financial mismanagement or addiction isn"t protective buffering. It"s selfish. And as for the biggest lie of all, marital infidelity -- whether to tell or not is an important question, but not the primary one a person will need to address if unfaithful to a spouse, therapists say. 丹頓博士說，避免談論某個問題以避免吵架通常是好的做法。但避免談論財務管理不善或毒癮等問題則不是保護性緩衝，而是自私。至於最大的謊言──婚姻不忠──不論說與不說都是一個重要問題，但治療師稱，對配偶不忠不是人們需要強調的最主要的問題。

Experts suggest a cost-benefit analysis. Will the information be more harmful to the relationship if disclosed up front, or discovered later? Consider disclosing if withholding gets in the way of intimacy, experts say. But if it will only hurt your partner, then don"t tell. 專家建議進行成本效益分析：提前坦白還是拖後坦白對婚姻關係更有害？專家說，如果隱瞞信息會妨礙親密度，那麼就應該考慮坦誠相告。但是如果這樣做只會傷害你的伴侶，那麼就不要說。

It isn"t necessary to mention the crush you have on your co-worker. "Thought broadcasting is never a good thing, " says Toni Coleman, a McLean, Va., licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach. And beware of "putative secrets, " the ones you only think you are keeping. Chances are you are already busted. 沒有必要提及你對同事的愛慕。弗吉尼亞州麥克林(McLean)的註冊臨床社會工作者兼人際關係教練托尼?科爾曼(Toni Coleman)：「把腦子裡想的事廣而告之絕不是好主意。」還要謹防「假定秘密」，也就是你以為自己保守住了的秘密。很可能其實你已經被戳穿了。

The buffering method you choose will make a big difference: Active lying is more damaging than avoidance, research indicates. 你選擇的緩衝方法很重要：研究顯示，主動說謊比逃避更具破壞性。

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2009 found 71% of people whose partners actively lied to them said it created distance. Among those whose partner kept a secret but didn"t lie, only 43% said it created distance. 2009年在《社會與人際關係雜誌》(Journal of Social and Personal Relationships)上發表的一篇研究論文指出，在伴侶主動對其說謊的人中，71%的人稱這樣做會產生距離感。而在伴侶保守秘密但不說謊的人，只有43%的人說這樣做會產生距離感。

"When people overtly lie about something, they can take something innocuous and make it into a bigger problem, " says John Caughlin, the study"s lead researcher and professor of communication at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Experts say gender isn"t a factor -- both men and women withhold information. 該項研究的首席研究員、伊利諾伊大學香檳分校(University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign)的傳播學教授約翰?考林(John Caughlin)說：「當人們公然對某件事撒謊時，他們會將原本並不嚴重的事情變成一個大問題。」專家稱，性別不是決定因素──男性和女性都會隱瞞信息。

Gerald Mills, 67, a retired manufacturing-plant manager, has had his share of secrets over the years. He has hidden new hunting and fishing equipment in his truck and gone out for a drink with friends instead of doing errands. Once when his wife was away, he took their young sons out for a lobster dinner and swore them to secrecy. No need to guess how he got caught. 67歲的傑拉爾德?米爾斯退休前是一家製造工廠的經理，他多年來一直保守著他的秘密。他在卡車裡藏著新買的打獵和釣魚用具，出門是和朋友喝酒而不是去辦雜事。一次趁妻子外出，他帶著年幼的兒子們去吃龍蝦大餐，還讓他們發誓保守秘密。不用猜，他被逮住了。

Ms. Mills, who went on to write a book about her marriage, "I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead, " says she never doubted her decision to keep the long-ago meeting a secret. (The ex-boyfriend was relieved to hear his mother"s wishes; he thought she wanted him to keep the business going.) After the ex died about a year ago, Ms. Mills finally told her husband. "At the time, I would have been angry and thought she was cheating on me and it would have derailed the marriage, " Mr. Mills says. Instead, "we went to bed happy." 謝莉後來寫了一本關於她的婚姻的書，名為《我幾乎和我丈夫離婚，但最後我罷工了》(I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went on Strike Instead)。她說，她從未質疑過自己對很久以前與前男友見面的事守口如瓶的決定。（她的前男友聽到他母親的願望時鬆了一口氣，他以為母親希望他把生意做下去。）謝莉的前男友大約一年前去世後，她最終把這事兒告訴了她丈夫。傑拉爾德說：「當時，我以為自己會生氣，認為她欺騙我，這會毀掉我們的婚姻。」但事實卻是相反的，「我們高高興興地上床睡覺去了」。