爸爸忘記了

06-18

爸爸忘記了----作者：利文斯頓-拉尼德

兒子，聽我說：在你睡著的時候，一隻小手壓在臉蛋兒下面，金黃色的捲髮濕漉漉地粘著你的額頭。我是一個人偷偷溜到你房間的。就在幾分鐘前，我在書房整理文件的時候，突然湧起一陣懊悔，幾乎壓得我喘不過氣來。於是，我帶著深深的自責，來到你的床前。

兒子，我想起了許多事情：我對你發過脾氣。當你正在換衣服去學校的時候，因為你的臉洗得不夠認真，我責罵你。你沒有把鞋子擦乾淨，我懲罰你。當你把東西丟在地板上的時候，我生氣地對你大喊大叫。

即使在飯桌上，我也能挑出錯誤:你打翻東西，吃飯的時候狼吞虎咽，胳膊肘放在桌子上。在你吃完飯要去玩的時候，我也在準備自己的事情。你轉過身，向我揮著手說：「爸爸，再見！」我卻皺著眉頭回答說：「挺直你的肩膀！」

這一切在傍晚又發生了一遍。回家的路上，我看見你的時候，你正跪在地上和小夥伴們玩彈珠遊戲。你腳上的長襪子磨破了。我在你的朋友面前羞辱了你，讓你馬上回家。我對你吼道：「長襪子很貴，買這麼好的東西給你穿，你怎麼還不知道珍惜。」兒子，你能想像嗎，這種話竟然出自你爸爸之口。

你還記得嗎？就是剛才的時候，我在書房看報紙，你害羞地走過來，猶豫的站在門口，眼睛裡還帶著一點害怕。我抬了一下頭，對你的打擾很不耐煩，對你嚴厲的說道：「你到底要做什麼？」

你什麼都沒說，只是跌跌撞撞的跑過來。你鑽進我的懷裡，小手抱著我的脖子，親吻了我一下。你的胳膊緊緊的摟著我，你的身上涌動著上帝種在你心裡的愛意，這純潔的愛讓人無法忽視。然後，你就出去了，房間外傳來你跑上樓的聲音。

兒子，這個時候，報紙從手裡滑落，我的心裡突然感到害怕。我做了什麼？我總在挑毛病，總是在批評——這就是一直以來我對待你的方式。不是我不愛你，而是我對年幼的你有太多的期望。我在不知不覺之間，用我這個年齡的標準來要求你。

你的天性中有這麼多的真善美。你小小的心靈，就像山谷的黎明一樣，無限明亮。這從你天真率直的舉動就能看出來：你跑進來親吻我，跟我道晚安。今天晚上不會再有更重要的事情了，在黑暗中，我來到你身邊，兒子，我跪在床邊，內心充滿愧疚。

這是一個無力的補償。如果我在你醒著的時候對你說這些，我知道，你可能不會明白。但是，從明天開始，我將做一個真正稱職的爸爸。我將和你做朋友，和你一起分擔痛苦、一起分享快樂。如果我不小心說了什麼不耐煩的話，我會咬破自己的舌頭。我會每天不斷的告訴自己：「他只是個孩子，很小的孩子。」

我知道，我的腦子裡原來一直把你當做大人。但是現在，你疲倦的蜷縮在兒童床上酣甜入睡，我看到了，你還是個小孩子。我記得昨天，你還躺在媽媽的懷裡，腦袋偎依在她的肩膀上。過去，我對你的要求實在是太多了，太多了。

listen,son:i am saying this as you lie asleep,one little paw crumple under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.i have stolen into your room alone.just a few minutes ago,as i sat reading my paper in the library,a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.guiltily i came to your bedside.

there are the things i was thinking,son:i had been cross to you.i scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel.i took you to task for not cleaning your shoes.i called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

at breakfast i found fault,too.you spilled things.you gulped down your food.you put your elbows on the table.you spread butter too thick on your bread.andas you started off to play and i made for my train,you turned and waved a hand and called,"goodbye,daddy!"and i frowned,and said in reply,"hold your shoulders back!"

then it began all over again in the late afternoon.as i came up the road i spied you,down on your knees,playing marbles.there were holes in your stockings.i humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house.stockings were expensive and if you had to buy them you would be more careful!imagine that,son,from a father!

do you remember,later,when i was reading in the library,how you came in timidly,with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?when i glanced up over my paper,impatient at the interruption,you hesitated at the door."what is it you want?"i snapped.

you said nothing,but ran across in one tempestuous plunge,and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me,and your small arms tightened with an affection that god had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither.and then you were gone,pattering up the stairs.

well,son,it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me.what has habit been doing to me?the habit of finding fault,of reprimanding_this was my reward to you for being a boy.it was not that i did not love you;it was that i expected too much of youth.i was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

and there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character.this was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night.nothing else matters tonight,son.i have come to your bed-side in the darkness,and i have knelt there ,ashamed!

it is a feeble atonement;i know you would not understand these things if i tole them to you during your waking hours.but tomorrow i will be a real daddy!i will chum with you,and suffer when you suffer,and laugh when you langh.i will bite my tongue when impatient words come.i will keep saying as if it were a ritual:"he is nothing but a boy_a little boy!"

i am afraid i have visualized you as a man.yet sa i see you now,son,crumpled and weary in your cot,i see that you are still a baby.yesterday you were in your mother"s arms,your head on her shoulder.i have asked too much,too much.