【衛報】家：生命的誕生與逝去

06-15

家的意義何在？用The Vampire Diaries里Rebecca的話來說：Always and forever。

家：生命的誕生與逝去

譯者：劉蕊

校對：劉璠

策劃：倪凌暉

Stuart Heritage: 『This is how families work. You gain members, you lose members』

家：生命的誕生與逝去

本文選自The Guardian| 取經號原創翻譯

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There』s strong competition here, but Ithink I just experienced the loneliest moment of my life. It happened six hours ago, after my wife was wheeled into an operating theatre for an emergency caesarean.

產房裡的競爭異常激烈，我卻剛剛經歷了人生最為孤獨的六小時。六小時前，我的妻子被推入手術室，進行緊急剖腹產。

caesarean /s?"ze?ri?n,s?"ze?ri?n,s?ˋz?r??n/ an operation in which a woman』s body is cut open to take a baby out剖宮產（手術）

I followed her in, just as I did when the same thing happened two years ago, but this time I found myself confronted by a wall of scrubs, all shouting at me in unison to get out of the room. Something had suddenly gone badly wrong – our baby』s heartrate took a perilous nosedive as the waters broke, and labour had come on too quickly for any pain relief to take hold – so the doctors were forced to urgently administer a general anaesthetic for my wife. This meant I couldn』t be in the room with her. 「It』s an emergency,」 a doctor screamed into my face by way of explanation as Iwas escorted out. 「An emergency!」

和兩年前一樣，我隨妻子一起進入了手術室。但這次一群醫生攔住了我異口同聲地喊我出去。當時情況突然變得非常不妙——羊水破了後，孩子心率驟降，分娩的過程來的太快，來不及使用任何鎮痛措施——醫生不得不緊急為我妻子施行全身麻醉，這就意味著我必須離開手術室。「情況緊急，」一名醫生領著我出去，朝我大喊解釋道，「非常緊急！」

nosedive /"n??zda?v,ˋnoz?da?v/ a sudden very large fall in the price, value, or condition of something〔價格、價值或狀況的〕急降，猛跌

It would be half an hour before anyone told me that either of them were alive; a long half hour spent in an empty, silent room, accompanied only by a relentlessly panicky mental slideshow of every conceivable worst-case scenario. I wanted to pull out my phone and tell someone what was happening, but that wouldn』t have been fair; not if I』d have had to compose a follow-up text to break some unthinkably bad news a moment later. For half an hour, I felt utterly alone. And sitting there, as scared as I can ever remember, a quiet thought formed in the smallest recess of my mind. 「I want my mum.」

接下來的半小時內，我都處於「母子是否平安」的未知當中。空蕩寂靜的房間，漫長的半小時，陪伴我的唯有腦海中如幻燈片般不斷閃現的所有最壞的可能性，以及隨之而來的持續的恐慌。我想撥通電話找人傾訴，但擔心過會兒壞消息來臨的時候還得發簡訊告知對方，這麼做實在是不合適。這半個小時里，我徹底陷入了孤獨之中。我坐在那，被前所未有的恐懼包圍著，腦海深處悄悄地響起一個聲音：「我想媽媽了。」

But that was never going to happen. Mum died two months ago.

但什麼也沒有發生，媽媽兩個月前去世了。

Mum was born Heather Martin inApril 1951 and she died Heather Heritage this June. But her nickname was always Ned, and we were never completely sure why. The official line is that it was something her dad had called her as a child, but that didn』t stop my brother Pete from concocting an elaborate theory tenuously related to sex noises. Although, to be fair to Pete, the bulk of his theories are usually somehow related to sex noises in one form or another. In this regard you can』t fault his consistency.

媽媽生於1951年4月，本名叫希瑟·馬丁（Heather Martin），後隨夫姓改名為希瑟·赫里蒂奇（Heather Heritage），於2017年6月去世。不知道為什麼，人們總愛叫媽媽「內德」。對外的說法是外公在媽媽小時候就是這麼叫她的，但這並不能阻止我弟弟皮特捏造複雜的理由，說是像性愛時發出的聲音。儘管公平點說，大部分皮特的各類理論總能或多或少與性愛扯上關係。這樣看來，他的理由也就沒什麼好指責的了，畢竟這是他一貫的作風。

concoct/k?n"k?kt,k?nˋkɑkt/to invent a clever story, excuse, or plan, especially in order to deceive someone編造，捏造，虛構

Mum was never shy about the fact that she wanted grandchildren, so she was overjoyed when my wife announced her first pregnancy in 2014. She bought us a great big basket and filled it with the kind of practical but mundane items you tend to overlook unless you have had babies of your own. Then, when he was born, she lavished the poor kid with toys that he is only just about ready to appreciate now. She was the third member of our family to hold him. She was our fallback – the person we would turn to for help or advice or an afternoon off – andone of my son』s very best friends.

對於自己那顆想要孫子孫女的心，媽媽從來都是直言不諱。所以，2014年當妻子宣布懷上第一胎時，她喜出望外，給我們買了一個大籃子，裡面裝滿了各式各樣普通卻實用的物品，普通到你在有自己的寶寶之前，根本瞧都不會瞧上一眼。兒子出生後，媽媽給他買了數不清的玩具，這些玩具兒子到現在才開始慢慢懂得怎麼去玩。媽媽是家裡第三個擁抱孩子的人，她是我們堅強的後盾——我們會向她尋求幫助或意見，或者拜託她抽出一下午的時間——她同時也是兒子最好的玩伴之一。

lavish/"l?v??,ˋl?v??/to give someone or something a lot of love, praise, money etc慷慨地給予

When our son was about six months old, Mum was hospitalised with breathing difficulties. She was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer shortly after, and given a prognosis of six to 18 months. The rounds of chemotherapy depleted her spirit to an upsetting degree, but not even the worst waves of her sickness could prevent her from being a loving grandmother. Even paralysis, which happened this year after the cancer spread to her spine and immobilised her from the waist down, was no barrier. We would visit a few times a week, and she would invariably ply my son with sweets and invite him up on to the hospital bed installed in her dining room so they could play together. He still asks to see her all the time. Their house is still Granny』s House. Whenever we get on a bus, it is still because we are going to see Granny.

兒子六個月大的時候，媽媽因為呼吸困難住院了，隨後就被診斷出患有肺癌晚期，預計只有六到十八個月的生命。一輪又一輪的化療使她的精神狀態日益衰弱，令人不安，但即使在病得最嚴重的時候，媽媽對孫子的愛意也未曾受到任何影響。今年，癌細胞擴散至脊椎導致腰部以下癱瘓，即使如此，媽媽仍深深愛著自己的孫子。我們每周會去看望媽媽幾次，她總會拿出糖果和孫子分享，邀請孫子到安裝在餐廳里的病床上一起玩耍。兒子總鬧著要去看奶奶。在他看來，自己家還是奶奶家。每次我們坐公交外出，也都是因為要去看望奶奶。

The end, when it came, was sudden. Dad called us at 6pm one Friday to tell us that Mum had taken a downward turn. By 2.30 the following morning she was gone. The three of us – Dad, Pete and I – were there when it happened. We watched her breaths turn to gasps, we watched her open her eyes for the final time, and then we watched her slip away. I miss her terribly – of course I do, she was my mum – but the real kicker is knowing that she will never get to see her grandchildren growing up.

分別在不經意中到來。在一個周五的下午6點鐘，爸爸打電話過來，說媽媽的病情急轉直下。第二天早上2點30分，她永遠地離開了我們。整個過程中，爸爸、皮特和我始終陪伴在媽媽的身邊。我們看著她呼吸逐漸急促，看著她睜眼等待最後的時刻，再看著她呼吸消散。我是如此地想念她——我當然想念她，她可是我的媽媽，但真正叫我心痛的卻是媽媽再也沒有機會看著孫子長大了。

prognosis /pr?ɡ"n??s?s,pr?ɡ"n??s?s,prɑgˋnos?s/ a doctor』s opinion of how an illness or disease will develop預後，預斷〔醫生對於病情如何發展的預測〕

Now there are three of them. Pete had a son on Mum』s last birthday and, even though she only knew him for acouple of months, he was still a colossal source of pride for her. But our new child will never get to meet her. She knew his name, at least, after we told her by chance the last time we saw her lucid, and luckily she approved. But she is destined to only be a photo to him; a distant figure for ever locked in the same unchanging pose, like both my grandfathers were to me. She has become a story we will have to tell him. We had better make it a good one.

現在，孫子輩的孩子有三個。皮特的兒子出生於媽媽的最後一個生日，即使相處的時間只有幾個月，她仍為這個孫子感到無比的驕傲。但我們的第二個孩子卻沒能有機會見見自己的奶奶。不過媽媽至少知道孩子的名字，這還是我們在她最後偶然的一次清醒的時候告訴她的，她也欣然同意了這個名字。但對兒子而言，奶奶最終還是成了照片上的人——就像我印象中的爺爺和外公：遙不可及，永遠擺著一樣的姿勢。對他來說，奶奶是我們口中故事裡的那個人。我們必須把這個故事講好。

colossal /k?"l?s?l,k?ˋlɑs?/ used to emphasize that something is extremely large巨大的，龐大的

More than anything, this year has taught me that life is not particularly kind to control freaks. Until I experienced parenthood, I was convinced that everything was ultimately fixable. Whatever happened in life, there was always a workaround; a helpline to ring, a favour to call in, a YouTube tutorial to sit through. Our first son put an end to that, and Mum』s death has underlined it. Sometimes you are just powerless in the face of it all. You can』t rush a bay ahead to the next developmental milestone, and you can』t stop people from dying. Things happen. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and let go. That is a hard lesson to learn, especially when it is all happening at once.

今年的經歷教會了我一些無與倫比的東西：人生並非萬事皆可掌控。在成為父母之前，我相信所有事情最終都是可以解決的。無論發生什麼，總有圓轉之道：可以撥打熱線電話尋求幫助，可以叫人來幫忙，還可以藉助網路。第一個兒子的到來讓我對這種認識有了改觀，而母親的去世使我再次意識到這種想法的錯誤所在。有的時候你確實無能為力。你沒辦法使勁兒催促著孩子邁入下一個成長階段，你也沒辦法阻止生老病死。萬事萬物皆有自己的軌跡。有時候你能做的只有後退一步，選擇放手。這很難，特別是當所有事情在同一時刻發生的時候。

It is a lot to prepare for the start of one life – especially when you are permanently in the grip of a slightly dictatorial two-year-old who cannot believe you haven』t opened his jar of plastic dinosaurs yet – but to do it when you are also preparing for the end of another is gruelling.

迎接新生命的誕生需要做好充分準備——尤其是當你還被你那兩歲大的、霸道地叫嚷著你居然還沒有給他打開塑料恐龍罐的孩子掌控著的時候。然而，在為生命的誕生做準備的同時還要面臨生命的逝去，這就真的叫人筋疲力盡了。

gruelling /"ɡru??l??,ˋgru?l??/ very difficult and tiring非常累人的

When we became parents, my wife and I quickly developed an evening routine. We would cook dinner. We would feed our son. One of us would bathe him and put him to bed. Then we would sit on our sofa, brimming with the exhausted triumph that comes from simply getting to the end of another day, and wordlessly watch Netflix for afew hours before bed.

有了小孩後，我和妻子很快形成了固定的「夜間活動」。我們準備好晚餐，給小孩餵了飯，其中一人帶他去洗澡，哄他入睡。然後我們就這麼坐在沙發上，心中交織著滿滿的疲憊與歡欣——一天終於又結束了。接下來幾小時里，我們默默無言地看著Netflix，然後上床睡覺。

brim/br?m/to have a lot of a particular thing, quality, or emotion充滿〔某種事物、品質或情感〕

This year, our routine changed a little. Before switching on the TV, my wife and I would usually find ourselves engaged in an intense locker room-style pep talk. My mum was dying, her mum was dying – although that』s an altogether more complicated set-up, and one I will leave for her to write about – and we were about to thrust a new baby into the midst of all this mess.

今年，這「夜間活動」有了小小的變動。看電視前，我和妻子會待在衣帽間里，彼此熱烈地鼓舞對方。我的媽媽已病入膏肓，她的媽媽也是（這部分的故事更複雜，我會留給她自己慢慢訴說）。就在這亂七八糟的日子裡，我們還將迎來一個全新的生命。

「We』re doing OK,」 we would tell each other. 「We』re down, but we』re not out. This is too much to take, and it feels like we』re disintegrating fast, but we』re not. This is temporary. There are three of us now. We』re a team. We』ll come out of this stronger.」

「我們做的很棒。」我們告訴彼此，「我們沒有被打倒。要承受的實在是太多了，我們看上去就要崩潰了，但事實並非如此。這只是暫時的，我們現在是三個人了，是一個團隊。我們一定能熬過去，變得更加強大。」

disintegrate /d?s??nt??ɡre?t/ If somethingdisintegrates, it becomes seriously weakened, and is divided or destroyed. 瓦解

All bullshit, clearly. Defiant, self-deluded bullshit designed to artificially push us along to whatever the next awful hurdle was. We were Robert De Niro, fat and sad and shouting into a mirror at the end ofRaging Bull. But in the moment, it helped immeasurably.

很明顯，這些都是廢話，自欺欺人地對當前的處境發起反抗，人為地推著我們陷入下一個可怕的深淵。我們就像《憤怒的公牛》片尾里的羅伯特·德尼羅（Robert De Niro），又胖又悲哀，朝著鏡子大喊發泄。但目前，這還是起到了很大的作用。

It could be worse. It could always be worse. When parents lose a child –as mine did before I was born– it is a tragedy. When children lose a parent – as both my mum and my wife did – it is a tragedy. A grownup with his own family losing a parent; expectedly, with time to say goodbye and hold their hand at the end, represents a warped best-case scenario. But it is a crap scenario nonetheless, and one I am struggling to adjust to. I』m not much fun to be around at the moment. I』m quicker to anger, more prone to mundane stresses. Given the choice, this would be no time to bring a child into the world.

世事或許會一如既往地變得更加糟糕。父母失去孩子——就像我父母在我之前本應該還有個孩子的——這是場悲劇。孩子失去父母——就像我媽媽和我妻子那樣——這也一場悲劇。成家立業的成年人失去了自己的父母——通常來說他們是有時間道別的，能夠握著父母的手陪伴他們直到生命的最後——這大概是不幸中的萬幸，即使這萬幸著實糟糕透頂，我不得不掙扎著去適應。此時此刻的我是快樂絕緣體，易怒，即使細微的壓力也能叫我崩潰。如果有選擇的話，我不會在這個時候要孩子。

But this is how families work. You gain members, you lose members. People fall away, but they are replaced. And the ones who are gone aren』t really gone, not if you don』t want them to be. One of my parents is dead, but now I am a parent to two boys who rely on me absolutely. We』ll go on. We have to. One bad year doesn』t stop us from being a unit. We』re just configured differently now. It is us against the world. Me, Robyn, Herbie and the new boy.

但家就是這樣，生命的誕生，生命的逝去。有的人離開了，又有新的人出現。只要你未曾忘記，那些離開了的人就不是真正意義上的消失不見。我父母中的一位已經不在了，但如今我是兩個男孩的父親，他們深深地依賴著我。生活總得繼續。過去一年糟糕的經歷並沒有讓我們的家庭瓦解，只是發生了些許變化罷了。我、羅彬、赫比還有新出生的這個孩子，我們一起與世界抗衡。

He is OK, by the way. He needed a couple of breaths to get him going once he came out, but he is doing great. Our new son – our beautiful, single-minded new son, equally amazed by and suspicious of everything he sees – was born into turmoil, but he』s going to be fine. We have called him Ned. I think it suits him.

對了，順帶說句，寶寶很健康。他出來後喘了好幾口氣，但一切健康。我們新出生的兒子，我們漂亮單純的兒子，為這個世界所吸引，對這個世界充滿著好奇。他出生於混亂之中，但一切安好。我們給他取名為內德，恰如其人。

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<原文鏈接: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/16/stuart-heritage-this-is-how-families-work-you-gain-members-you-lose-members="">