SOP/PS寫作剖析第一例PART3

zhuanlan.zhihu.comGus Goodman：SOP/PS寫作剖析第一例PART2?

zhuanlan.zhihu.com

請注意：

1. 本系列所有文章為學弟學妹提供實例，已事先獲得本人同意
2. 為防止無良中介惡意抄襲/盜用，不提供具體修改過程

主體部分（第四段）原文：

I came to XX in 2012 to get more research experience. Additionally, unlike my former university, it is much easier to find people harboring the same dream as me. My study field in SJTU, without question, is still XX. During the last nearly 2 years here, I met many obstacles in both life and research. Im always at wits end and cannot find a reason to further my research, let alone to study abroad. While I was always telling myself 「That』s alright, just keep calm and carry on.」I got through those valleys, and now I have three papers published in a prestigious journal of my field as the first, third and fourth author, respectively. More importantly, I realize what I boast in scientific research now is more than interest. I just enjoy coming up with creative ideas and making breakthroughs in the hydrogen materials or technology. Maybe, one day I will truly change the worldly energy system and make some real differences for the world. Who knows?

評價：

1. 再次出現對比問題
2. 對於戰勝困難的能力體現嚴重不足
3. 再次出現疑問/反問式句型
4. 對於long-term和short-term goal沒有具象化，全是抽象描述

主體部分（第四段）修改後：

To convince my supervisor of the feasibility of choosing XX as my research topic, I spent two months preparing a comprehensive research proposal. After I commenced my experiments, everything went smoothly until an A emerged during the B and blocked the C. For two weeks, this puzzle lingered. I consulted with several professors and carefully studied their suggestions. As I had developed the habit of documenting my ideas immediately, I reviewed every note until I realized that the unknown D actually originated from E. The relationship was later proved through a simulation and presented in a published paper (I was first author). This discovery, which was the deciding factor in the quality of my independent research, has shown that persistence in thinking and refusal to surrender to challenges are the keys to success. Emboldened by my accomplishment, I continued my independent research on the E, a key point in its application. After successfully achieving F, as first author, I submitted another original paper.

評價：

1. 同樣，對於另外一段academic experience, 使用了solid evidenceabilities/skills如何solve specific problems, 且bring concrete benefits
2. 對於第三段acadmeic experience, 簡單帶過，作為supporting information
3. paper/design/books等是作為achievement最直接的證明，但不需要列出具體信息（如paper名等）

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