深度好文 ｜如何教會孩子面對「失敗」?

「讓我提起興趣的並不是巨大的成功。人們不是從『成功』中成長，而且是從他們犯過的『錯誤』中成長。」

「I』m less interested in the big successes. People don』t learn a lot from their successes, and they usually learn the wrong things.」

這是Jim Spohrer告訴我的話，Spohrer是一個電腦科學家、同時也在負責IBM的大學合作工作。

That』s what Jim Spohrer, a computer scientist who leads IBM』s university partnerships told me for my new book,

Sphorer說他更喜歡僱傭來自創業團隊的人而不是剛畢業的職場新人，因為來自創業團隊的人經歷過失敗而且他們在失敗中成長。

Sphorer said that he likes to hire people from start-ups rather than right out of universities because they have experienced failure and learned from it.

面對「失敗」這個問題，學生們很少有可以學習的榜樣，因為家長和老師總是對孩子隱藏自己的錯誤。人們也很少會看到一份工作表現的評判過程；在大學，最重要的就是最後的項目、考試或者論文。

Students rarely see good models of failure in their daily lives to emulate because parents and teachers often hide their mistakes. Students are never exposed, for instance, to the feedback process that is the hallmark of most jobs today. In the college classroom, the sole focus of students is on the final product, whether an exam or a final paper.

但是我們如何對孩子進行關於「失敗」的教育呢？關於這個挑戰，中學老師Jessica Lahey在她的新書The Gift of Failure裡面進行了著重探討。希望在」失敗「面前保護好自己孩子的家長都應該認真讀一下，因為Lahey在書中寫道：」在現實世界裡，『失敗』發生的頻率很高。「

But how do we teach failure? That』s the challenge Jessica Lahey, a middle school teacher, tackles in her new book, The Gift of Failure. It should be required reading for all parents whotry to protect their children from failure. As Lahey writes in the book,「failures that happen out there, in the real world, carry far higher stakes."

教育專欄作家經常聽到大學畢業生抱怨他們還沒有準備好面對現實世界的失敗，看到這樣的情況，我想和Jessica聊聊家長及老師該如何更好地就「失敗的價值」教育孩子。我們的對話如下：

As both a parent of young kids and a higher-education writer who hears all the time that college graduates are not prepared for the failures of the real world, I wanted to ask Jessica how parents and teachers can better teach the value of failing in students. I recently caught up with Jessica and my exchange with her follows:

問：作為兩個小女孩（6歲和4歲）的父親，我已經認真採納了你關於如何就「失敗」進行教育的建議。但你是中學老師，那麼我們應該最早在孩子多大時候，向他們開始滲透「失敗」這個概念呢？

Q. As a father of two young girls (six and four), I took your advice on failure to heart. But you』re a middle school teacher.How early and how much should we introduce this idea of failure to our children?

答：孩子從小就需要有機會來進行自我認知。幼兒園老師經常告訴我，孩子們和家長們一起來到幼兒園，往往表現得有如自己不會向大人提問一樣。他們用無助的、高八倍的語調說話；只有當家長們走了，孩子們才會在老師的要求下變到「大孩子講話」頻道。當然，等家長來接他們，他們馬上又變回那種無助的小孩子的聲音。

A. Little kids need to be given opportunities to self-advocate from a very early age. Kindergarten teachers told me over and over about students who come to school with their parents and act as if they can』t ask adults questions, and speak in a helpless, high-pitched voice, only to switch into their teacher-enforced 「big kid voice」 as soon as the parents leave.They revert to that helpless voice as soon as their parents show up at the end of the day, of course.

如果我們教會孩子和別人說話的時候，要看著別人的眼睛、清楚勇敢地表達自己的想法，並且告訴別人自己的需求，我們就向「教會孩子獨立」跨了一大步。其實，年齡小的孩子能做的遠遠比我們想像的要多，我們應該給予他們更多信任。給他們一個任務、一個指令，然後家長退後，給孩子空間，看看他們會怎麼做。

If we teach kids to look other people in the eye, speak up for themselves, and tell people what they need and want,we take a huge step toward teaching autonomy.Plus, little kids can do far more than we give them credit for.Give them a task, give them some direction, then stand back and see what they can do.

問：家長和老師經常對孩子隱藏他們的錯誤和缺點，這樣學生很少能有一個關於「如何面對失敗」的好榜樣讓他們來學習。比如，學生從來沒看到過一位作家為了他最後定稿的前面那千萬份草稿。學校和家長如何在在日常生活中，就這方面給孩子提供更好的樣例來學習呢？

Q.Parents and teachers often hide their mistakes so students rarely see good models of failure in their daily lives to emulate. Students, for example, never see the multiple iterations that lead a writer to a final draft.How can schools and parents provide more good examples of failure on a daily basis?

答：我訪問了一個所在家福尼亞的很棒的學校，並且觀看了兩位老師在教學的時候有計劃地犯錯。這兩位老師在孩子面前犯錯，這樣，孩子們可以看到老師也會有失敗、承擔失敗帶來的後果並且和孩子一起做出相應的彌補和改進措施。老師也告訴學生要這樣做。

A. I visited a wonderful school in California and watched two teachers plan out mistakes for their teaching time. They make mistakes in front of the kids so the kids can see them owning their own failures, adapting to the consequences of those failures, and making amends for that fallout with the kids. They also teach the kids to do the same.

我們要麼教會孩子如何否認和掩飾錯誤，假裝錯誤並沒有發生過，這樣孩子們永遠無法從「錯誤」和「失敗」中進步；要麼我們給孩子做榜樣，讓他們看到我們是如何對待錯誤和失敗的，這樣我們將會從失敗中學習和進步。

We can either teach our kids to deny and cover up mistakes, pretending they never happened, and guaranteeing they will never learn from them, or we can model behavior that makes the most of those failures, that allows us to learn and change in response to our mistakes.

問：你在書中用一整個章節寫了和作業有關的話題。你解釋道家長現在越來越多在作業方面幫助孩子。您建議應該在孩子需要的時候幫忙，同時也保持自己的生活和工作的節奏。我覺得這個建議很好，但是家長們怎麼才能知道孩子是真的遇到困難了還是只是想在作業上偷懶呢？對於初高中的孩子們，家長應該給予多少幫助呢？

Q.You dedicate a chapter in your book to homework. You explain that parents increasingly are working on homework with their children. You suggest that parents be nearby ready to help if necessary, but keep busy with their own work. That』s good advice, buthow do you know when your children are truly stuck or just want an easy way out of doing the homework? And how much help should you provide to middle and high-school students?

答：我知道一個孩子，一直到14歲她的父母都在她做作業時候坐在她旁邊，一旦她遇到困難，父母就幫忙。孩子從來沒體會過自己在作業上進行努力，她又怎麼知道什麼時候她真的需要幫助、什麼時候只是需要重新讀一遍題目或者只是需要換個角度思考這道題目就可以了呢？我讓這個孩子的父母在孩子做作業的時間到廚房去做自己的事情，給孩子空間自己努力。

A. I tell a story in my talk about a kid whose parents sat on either side of her while she did her homework until she was 14, and helped her the second she began to feel frustrated.She never learned how to push through, how to know when she』s really stuck or if she simply needs to read the instructions again or even just look at the problem from a different angle.I had her parents go into the kitchen at homework time, and find something else to do.

他們的女兒知道父母在不遠的地方，但不是緊緊守在她旁邊。當孩子遇到困難，她有時候會小聲抱怨，但是父母會等到孩子叫他們才會過來幫忙。孩子叫他們幫忙時候，他們會說自己有些忙，讓孩子等一會，「我手頭有事情必須要做完，你先自己再想想，我稍後就過去。」

Their daughter knew they were close by, but they were not right on top of her. When she got stuck, she moaned and griped, but they waited for her to ask for help. Then, when she asked, they said they were busy, and hold on just a second, 「I have to finish this, but take another crack at it and I will be there in a minute.」

經過「放手」的過程，父母和孩子都學到了「隨時都有的挫敗感」和「真正的疑惑和困難」的區別。非常強勢的父母經常坐在孩子們身旁等著給孩子幫助，這樣孩子從來沒法學到如何自己努力以及堅持不懈。

That process of stepping back took months, but after a while, they learned—and their daughter learned—the difference between momentarily frustrated and truly confused and stuck.When kids have highly directive or controlling parents, parents who step in the second (or even before) their child needs help, the child never learns to push through herself, to find the emotional wherewithal to persevere.

Wendy Rollick 關於「支持孩子變得獨立」的家庭教育的調查幫我理解了給孩子機會、讓他們自己體會挫折和失敗的重要性。唯一可以被孩子接受的教學方式是鼓勵他們經歷挫折並且相信他們可以再努力一下，通過變換一種方式，自己獨立解決問題。

Wendy Rollick』s research on autonomy supportive parenting really helped me understand how important it is to give kids opportunities to get frustrated. The only way kids can handle important pedagogical techniques such as desirable difficulties (see the book, Make it Stick) is byencountering frustration, and trusting that if they can give it another shot, from another angle, they can figure it out on their own.

問：一些企業和高層經常和我抱怨剛畢業且初入職場的年輕人不知道如何接受別人的負面反饋，因為他們沒有學過「如何面對失敗」。年輕人現在開始接受「失敗教育」太晚了，那麼公司和高層應該如何把關於」失敗」的教育理念應用到這些職場新人身上呢？

Q. Colleges officials and employers of new college graduates complain to me all the time that their students or workers don』t know how to accept negative feedback because they hadn』t learned failure. Is it too late for young adults to learn these lessons, and how should colleges and employers instill these values in their new students and hires?

答：我昨天剛和一位來自常青藤名校的教授聊天。教授和我講他的一個學生根本不接受負面的反饋，因為他（學生）不喜歡這些負面信息。他（學生）說覺得聽到負面反饋讓自己覺得降低身份，而且學生覺得自己已經知道了如何寫好一篇論文，不再需要任何反饋了。

A. I was just talking to a professor at an Ivy League college about this yesterday. He was telling me that one of his students had requested that he receive no more negative feedback at all because he did not like it. He said it felt demeaning, and besides, he already knows how to write because he』s written his thesis and does not need any more feedback on writing.

我大笑——如果我21歲的時候就停止接受別人的反饋，我就不會成長為一位成熟的作家。說到成熟，這位學生覺得自己的見地高於任何其他人的反饋。我為他感到可悲。他也許進入了常青藤名校而且會從中收穫頗多，但是他不會真正變得偉大，他也不會真正努力創造出任何創新的事物。

I laughed—if only I stopped getting feedback on my writing when I was 21. I would be one immature writer. Speaking of immature, this kid really believed that he was above constructive feedback. I feel so sorry for him. He may have gotten into an Ivy League college, and will reap whatever benefits that entails, but this kid will never truly be great. He will never truly push himself or create anything innovative.

偉大的思考者歡迎反饋，他們從反饋中學習和成長。這個孩子在21歲停止了成長，這是一種人才浪費，對於他自己是，對世界也是。

Great thinkers welcome feedback. Great thinkers adapt, and grow.This kid is done at 21 and that』s such a wasted opportunity, for him, and for the world.

本文作者：Jeffery Selingo

Jeffrey Selingo （本文作者）是三本高等教育主題書籍的作者。他的新書There Is Life After College 探索了為什麼剛畢業的大學生在嶄新的職場生活中倍感挫折，以及他們如何更好地進行從學生到職業人士的轉換。

Jeffrey Selingo is author of three books on higher education. His newest book, There Is Life After College, explores why students struggle to launch into a career after college and how they can better navigate the route from high school through college and into the work world.

Jeffery還是華盛頓郵報 Grade Point blog（高等教育新聞博客）的常駐作家，同時也是亞利桑那州立大學教授和Georgia Tech"s Center for 21st Century Universities 的訪問學者。

He is a regular contributor to the Washington Post』s Grade Point blog, a professor of practice at Arizona State University, and a visiting scholar at Georgia Tech"s Center for 21st Century Universities.

（這是彩蛋～！）

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