【托福寫作批改】22分托福獨立寫作

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Governments should spend more money in support of the arts than in support of athletics such as state-sponsored Olympic teams.

Content with material life, people put more emphasis on spiritual enjoyment. Some people claim that the government should spend more money in encouraging the appreciation in arts and therefore raise the aesthetic horizons of people. By contrast, I consider athletics as an indispensable factor that also plays people as beneficiaries in several ways.

What must be prioritized is that athletics show the spirit of persistence and hard-working， which is advocated and honored all over the world（這個分論點句的問題就在於說得過於啰嗦，覆蓋了下面解釋句的細節，所以我建議分論點句不要帶從句）. By sponsoring national teams with prime equipment, they can bring their superiority into full play and bring honor to our country which may lead to the involvement of patriotism among citizens. People feel proud for their country and may easily come into agreement owing to the preference for the national team. （同學寫完之後跟我抱怨說這一段寫不長，話說到這就寫不下去了，我跟他說不要嘗試用說理解決所有問題，托福寫作的優勢就在於可以拓展例子中的細節，說理作為框架，細節作為枝葉，這樣邏輯分數也有了，細節分數也有了。）

修改版本：

What must be prioritized is that athletics show the spirit of persistence and hard-working. Such virtue and merits are advocated and honored all around the world. Take our table tennis national team for example, by sponsoring them with prime bats and outfits, they can bring their superiority into full play, win the high prize and therefore bring honor to our country. This will no doubt lead to the involvement of patriotism among citizens. People feel proud for their country and may get more common topics on the performance of the national team. Automatically, identical preference help people to easily come into agreement and as thus build strong bonds between each other.

Secondly, spending more money on athletics serves as investments which help increase the consumption of relevant products and therefore advance economic growth domestically. Vanity is possessed by everyone, people always want to have the same 「armor」 as these athletics do, especially those who did great contribution to the honor of his/her country.（這句話放在這裡並不合適，更適合做一個例子的分析句） One case in point is that my brother James, who is a big fan of nation badminton team. He once saw Lin Dan got the first prize in the game. The next day, he spent a lot of time surviving one the internet in order to find the pair of shoes which Lin Dan wore yesterday. This common phenomenon certainly is beneficial to nation economy.（舉了james的例子，但屬於個例，並沒有範圍展開）

修改版本：

Secondly, spending more money on athletics serves as investments which help increase the consumption of relevant products. One case in point is that my brother James, who is a big fan of nation badminton team. He once saw Lin Dan got the first prize in the game. The next day, he spent a lot of time surviving one the internet in order to find the pair of shoes which Lin Dan wore yesterday on the court. This perfectly reflects the vanity people possessed. In order to be seemed vogue show the position of a huge fan of a specific celebrity or team, people always want to have the same 「outfit」 as these athletics do, especially those who did great contribution to the honor of his/her country. This common phenomenon certainly is beneficial to nation economy. By consuming more, our country』s output gets increased domestically and therefore rises our GDP.

Last but not least, sport meeting is a good opportunity to show the capability and strength to the world.（這個分論點段確實在托福水平上屬於比較難展開的，我們可以初步借鑒一些gre寫作的段落拓展方法，多問自己的幾個why，多寫幾個how）In such a turbulent world, safety is highly demanded for everyone. The government can show their strength to the world by cultivating numerous athletics and exhibit their extraordinary skills on sports to the world, and this is the original intention for the Greek to hold the Olympic Games. Moreover, it helps build a strong bond between each country for further cooperation and communication.

修改版本：

Last but not least, sport meeting is a good opportunity to show the capability and strength of a country to the world. For instance, Olympic Game is a competition held by International Olympic Committee. Every country does their best in winning the prize. In the game, athletics exhibit their talents and effort. It』s not only a competition to entertain, but also a way to show other countries that our country is strongest and most powerful. Since safety is highly demanded for everyone in such a turbulent world. The government can show their strength to the world by cultivating numerous athletics and exhibit their extraordinary skills on sports to the world, and this is the original intention for the Greek to hold the Olympic Games. Moreover, it helps build a strong bond between each country for further cooperation and communication.

In a nutshell, support on athletics cannot be ignored due to the reasons shown above.（結尾段他草率了，沒有達到原本預設的總結目的）

修改版本：

In a nutshell, supporting on athletics can reinforce people』s relationship, advance economy and exhibit the strength, therefore the government should put emphasis on it.