SOP/PS寫作剖析第一例PART2

zhuanlan.zhihu.com

請注意：

1. 本系列所有文章為學弟學妹提供實例，已事先獲得本人同意
2. 為防止無良中介惡意抄襲/盜用，不提供具體修改過程

主體部分（第三段）原文：

During the first and second year at college, I spent all the time merely on study and got no idea what doing research means. While In the third year, I happened to meet a professor in my department, who latterly became the most influential person on my way of studying abroad. I was asked to do some simple experiments in hydrogen storage materials. After doing much initial work in this field, we got a chance to apply for a provincial-level research project. We worked so hard on preparing the application. During this process, I gradually grew interested in this study field, which, in my mind, may change the whole social energy system in the future. We finally applied for the project successfully and I was selected to be the team leader in the research group. We worked on that project for nearly one year. Though the work was simple, it is totally original and we got some creative results when the project ended. The most important is that I got obsessed in asking questions and coming up with new ideas. Especially when some obstacles were overcome, I felt greatlyaccomplished. That was the feeling Ive never had before. When my professor Jiang recommended me to pursue a PhD program in University of Tennessee-Knoxville, I was more than excited at first, while after considerable thinking, I finally refused his recommendation kindly. For one thing, I know Im still not ready. For another, I firmly believe Im more than that.

評價：

1. 將diligence作為能力，是文書忌諱之四
2. 將自己的weakpoints在文書中展示/描述負面內容，是文書忌諱之五
3. 對於interest/research experience/internship等問題的闡述時，僅僅陳列過程，體會，收穫，而沒有solid evidence支撐，是文書忌諱之首！
4. 通過空話「吹出」ability/skills，是文書忌諱之六
5. 通過對比對方的弱勢，來顯示自己的優勢，是文書忌諱之七

主體部分（第三段）修改後：

Desired to level up my expertise in certain field, I pursued graduate studies in an advanced XX research lab at XX University. As a research assistant, I seized every opportunity to enhance my research capability. When the A apparatus was introduced into our lab, I volunteered to assemble and manage the equipment, which afforded me a clear view of its mechanisms. Therefore, when the group encountered issues related to the morphology of particles produced by the apparatus, I proposed to alter the reaction current and inner atmosphere, which significantly improved the sample quality. Meanwhile, during the A analysis of B, I observed a general left-shifting of peaks in the C, which was ignored in the weekly reports. Similar results after repeated experiments prompted me to rule out instrument errors as the cause. After a careful lattice constant calculation, I confirmed that this unnoticeable shifting was caused by the D. My critical thinking and rigorous attitude strengthened my competence, and I was given the go signal to start my independent research.

評價：

1. 通過solid evidence證明abilities/skills，是文書必備要素之一
2. 通過solid evidence證明abilities/skills來solve specific problems,是文書必備要素之二
3. 通過solid evidence證明abilities/skills給自己/團隊/課題組 bring concrete benefits，是文書必備要素之三
4. abilities/skills中強調一下「overcome obstacles」這一塊，是文書必備要素之四
5. 再次利用former experience中的accomplishment作為motivation自然過渡到 next academic experience

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