The Newly Recruited Indian Intern Sitting Right Behind Us Began to Sob in Terror

來自專欄 Shit Got Real

Me: Im in trouble

Sam: whats your problem Jason? Why you sir always have so many problems?

Me: Am I bothering you? You can just tell me if I am bothering you, its not like I am gonna stop badgering you anyway since I dont care how you feel. The mere fact that you sit next to me and we share 8 hours of misery day in and day out makes shit talking to you my therapy, like literally.

Sam: No I am not bothered, Im entertained by your misery somehow. Im glad your life is going down in such a spectacular way. Im kidding Jason, my heart ache for you. (lower voice) but I dont have a heart.

Me: I need to take a shit, like right now, like literally.

Sam: May I ask who is stopping you from taking a shit? Or are you implying your asshole is clogged? If thats the case I respectfully suggest you to immediately make a phone call to your family doctor, its Sara, right? Oh by the way, how is Sara?

Me: Bitch is dead to me.

Sam: Why you Chinese are so liberal with language. Bitch is such a strong word, we south Asians prefer cunt. It simply sounds better, that nasal sound gives your throat an attitude.

Me: I see the subtle impact of the three hundred years British colonial rule on South Asia right there.

Sam: Now Im pretty sure your asshole is clogged

Me: I dont think my asshole is clogged since unfortunately Ive farted in Brians office this morning. Dude didnt say a word but I can tell he is trying so hard to stay civil but his trembling voice sell him out.

Sam: I guess he wont greet you How are you for the rest of the day. Poor Canadians.

Me: You know what Sam I can actually fart right now to prove my point that my asshole works just fine, but as a responsible adult I choose not to do such a juvenile thing, at least not in the office. You wanna go out to parking lot now?

Sam (frowned): I think I am smelling something

Me: Thats your fucking curry you left in the corner last night

Sam (yelling while clapping): Jason you fucking racist! Why you assume right away that it was me that left curry!? This firm has 50 plus people working on this floor and curry is reasonably popular among white people!

Me: Maybe because it is the corner of YOUR cubicle?

Sam: Im not denying it but I just dont like your tone!

Me: You are from Sri Lanka sir, why you took the offence since you keep reminding me of the fact that people from Sri Lanka are totally different from Indian people, culturally, racially and linguistically.

Sam(stammer): But we eat curry.... too

Me: hmmm

Sam (pissed): I dont usually ask favor from God but I pray to Him that your asshole is clogged, like a fucking turkey thrown into the toilet clogged!

Me: Why him. why not her? God could be a woman you know. I dare to say God is a woman, the cruelty inflicted on me by God is on a par with my mum, while I am constantly reminded that she loves me. I guess mum works in a mysterious way.

Sam: I salute to your mum.

Me: Anyway, your God cant clog my asshole since I now am an Atheist.

Sam: Oh Christ you shut up.

Me: It puzzles me that you invoke Christ here. You are not even Christian so that dude Jesus you are referring to is not even relevant in this quarrel that I am having with you

Sam (panting): I am not specifically referring to Jesus, I am just swearing Jason, people say random shit when they swear.

Me: But dude these days you gotta be culturally sensitive to what you say, especially in workplace. There is actually a phrase that you can use, its a strong expression fully soaked with emotions but not offensive at all so you can use it anytime you want, it also happens to be a bold statement that you Sam, albeit an immigrant who run away from Sri Lanka expecting higher wage but end up paying higher tax, are still proud of your South Asian heritage.

Sam: I am listening

Me: Holy Cow. You are welcome.

Sam: Can I slap you? cuz I am having a strong urge to slap you.

Me: Holy Cow dude, I thought we were friends.

Sam: Why dont you go to the toilet now and take that dump of shit out of your system. I mean usually you are slightly annoying, but today you are REALLY annoying. I am not blaming you, I am blaming the shit. See? We Sri Lanka people are a fair and nice lot.

Me: I am just wondering,,, you know… nah,,, forget about it

Sam(agitated): What?! Say it ! Say it out loud you fucker.

Me: I was about to ask you for toilet paper, but I realize I probably wont get it anyway

Sam: FUCK YOU JASON! FUCK YOU. WE ARE NOT LIKE INDIAN PEOPLE. I CARRY ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER WITH ME ALL THE TIME! YOU WANT TOILET PAPER?! I SHALL GIVE YOU SOME SERIOUSLY GODLY SILKY SMOOTH TOILET PAPER LIKE RIGHT NOW. (long pause........) oh actually I dont have it with me today. sorry dude.

Me: So, I went to the main floor bathroom, the toilets were occupied.

Sam: Obviously somebody in main floor was taking a shit there.

Me: Then I went to the basement bathroom, but the toilets were also occupied.

Sam: Obviously somebody in the basement level was taking a shit there.

Me: I feel like you are really good at summing things up. Did you get a degree for that, like bachelor of repeating stuff other people said but only in shorter version?

Sam: I hope your asshole burns

Me: Thats a strange way to insult my asshole, are you an ultra-religious person?

Sam: YES, I WORSHIP COW

Me: Are you being sarcastic? cuz I really cant tell at this point

Sam: Fuck you.

Me: Am I being a cunt to you?

Sam: YES!

Me: Do you enjoy me being a cunt to you ?

Sam(clapping and yelling): YES!

(The newly recruited Indian intern sitting right behind us began to sob in terror)

END