中國博士黃西 爆笑「調戲」奧巴馬拜登(文本視頻)

黃西是一名從中國大陸到美國的留學生，除了他專業的研究工作外，他還是最近美國新興的一名脫口秀藝人。2009年，他因參加美國深夜節目收視率冠軍的「大衛賴特曼秀」一炮而紅。他獨特的幽默方式在youtube上廣受歡迎。本文是他在美國"電台電視記者協會"白宮年會上的表演片段，快來聽聽看他的幽默你能聽懂多少？00:00Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as "Who?" which is actually my mother"s maiden name and the answer to my credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黃西）。但是對你們中的很多人來說，聽到我的名字，你們會問「誰啊？」（注意看他說這句話時侯的表情），who（同音「胡」）恰恰是我媽媽出嫁前的姓，這也是我信用卡密碼問題的答案。（和很多網站註冊一樣，美國的信用卡也會設置密碼問題，比如「你媽媽姓什麼」，「你家小狗叫什麼」） 00:35But joking aside I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.但是玩笑歸玩笑，我想要提醒大家我的確是受到邀請而來的（他重讀了I am的am）（這裡是諷刺Salah的夫婦闖入白宮晚宴的新聞，大家可以搜索Michaele and Tareq Salahi） 00:46I grew up in China. Who didn"t? And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that was when I learned light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn"t do it right. When I was seven one day he said to me, "Hey, son, why is tofu better than centralizedsocialist economy?" So five minutes later I said "why?" He said because I said so!我從小在中國長大。誰不是呢？（這是諷刺美國人的自大，以為世界只有一個美國）而我童年的所有記憶都被我的童年給毀了。（這句話可能是和後面的炸藥玩笑有關）讀小學的時侯，作為課程的一部分，我不得不去一個稻田裡勞動，這稻田的旁邊就是一個採石場，在那裡他們用炸藥來炸開石頭。也就是在那個時侯，我知道了光的傳播速度要比聲音快，聲音的速度就和石頭飛的速度差不多慢。我爸爸是的脾氣很暴躁，但是有些時侯他會用笑話來鼓勵我。可是他的表達方式有問題。當我還是七歲的時侯，有一天他對我說，「嘿，兒子，為什麼豆腐比社會主義計劃經濟要好？」我想了五分鐘，然後問他「為什麼呢？」，他說「因為我說好就是好！」（這段笑點在：豆腐，計劃經濟，極端的父權。豆腐和經濟放在一起本來就沒有可比性，就好像這種「我說了算」的父權也很不可理喻，讓人又好氣又好笑） 02:12I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn"t a joke, until now.我24歲的時侯來到美國，在 Texas的Rice University求學。（下面的觀眾在笑。）我不是在講笑話，不過現在是了。 02:30And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were impossible to peel off. One of them said "If you don"t speak English, go home". And I didn"t know this for two years.我當時開了輛二手車，保險杠上貼了好多貼紙（就類似於我們貼的「注意有熊出沒」那種），那些貼紙貼的很牢，根本沒可能撕下來。其中一張寫著「如果你不會說英文，那就回家去」。而我連著兩年都沒看懂這句話。 02:57And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because many times I have to say to him in public, "hey, listen, if you don"t speak English, go home." And he would say to me, "hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?" I said， "son, once you become the president of the United State, you are gonna have to sign thelegislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese."和很多其他的移民一樣，我們都希望自己的兒子能成為這個國家的總統，於是我們努力讓他們說兩種語言，在家說中文，在外說英文，真的操作起來其實挺困難，很多時侯我不得不對他說「嘿，聽著，如果你不說英文，就給我回家去。」（這段對應了他上文說的汽車貼紙的笑話）我兒子總是會問我「爸爸，為什麼我一定要說兩種語言呢？」我告訴他：「兒子，一旦有一天你成為了美國總統，你就必須要用英文來簽署立法議案，然後用中文跟債主們討論債務問題。」（這段經地主大人提醒：講到用中文討論債務時，你看底下美國人反應並不劇烈，只有部分人狂笑，因為美國人壓根兒不知道，中國是他們的大債主。） 03:54When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States because in China, I can"t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they ask us questions like "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I was like "Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" "What is the second amendment?" I was like "Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" "What is Roe versus Wade?" I was like "Ah, two ways of coming to the United States?" Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.從Rice畢業後，我決定留在美國，因為在中國，我做不到我在這裡做的最好的事情--成為一名外來民族。而為了讓我自己成為一名美國公民，我必須學習美國的歷史，於是就有被問到諸如「誰是Benjamin Franklin?」我只能：「啊！這莫非就是我們便利店遭搶劫的原因？」（Benjamin Franklin的頭像被印在百元美鈔上。）「什麼是第二修正案？」我只能：「啊！這莫非就是我們便利店遭搶劫的原因？」（第二修正案允許合法擁有槍支）「Roe vs. Wade是什麼？」「啊！來到美國的兩種途徑？」（Roe vs.Wade是一個著名的墮胎官司，最高法院因此判定墮胎合法化。他在這裡則是說那些偷渡到美國的人，要不就是通過row a boat（划船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河對岸（wade是跋涉的意思））後來了解了更多的美國歷史，我開始為自己是白人而有了負罪感。（white guilt是指身為白人，因為種族偏見而有負罪感。但很明顯他不是白人，他不應該會有這樣的負罪感。） 05:24And in America they say that all men are created equal. But after birth, it kind of depends on parents" income for early education and health care. I read in the Men"s Health magazine that President Obama, every week, has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see I don"t have to exercise, because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts now, where we have Universal Health Care. Then we elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It"s called Kill Bill.在美國，大家都說人生來是平等的。但是出生後，那就取決於父母收入所能給予你的早期教育和健康醫療。我在Men"s Health雜誌里看到奧巴馬總統每周有兩次心臟檢查，四次舉重鍛煉。你們看，我根本不需要鍛煉，因為我有健康保險。（這是是在嘲諷美國的健康醫療體系）我現在住在馬塞諸塞州，在那裡我們有Universal Health Care（某種醫療保險）。然後我們選了Scott Brown做了州長，他反對現有的醫療制度。我想到了一部電影很適合他，就是《殺死比爾》（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有議案的意思，這裡諷刺州長否決議案） 06:25I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read your autobiography. And today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have [?] Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.我很榮幸今晚能見到副總統Joe Biden。事實上，我曾經讀過你的自傳。今天見到你了，我覺得書寫的比本人要好的多（然後鏡頭就給了副總統，副總統笑的哈開心）（後面提到了Brad Pitt和 Angelina Jolie，但當中那個單詞我沒聽出來） 06:59So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for months for tonight show and I show the white house and the jokes about President Obama, that was when he decided not to come. And he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that, Steven Colbert.坦率的說，我真的很榮幸今天能來到這裡，為了今晚的節目我也已經準備了好幾個月了。我還把關於奧巴馬總統的笑話呈給白宮看，於是奧巴馬總統就在那一刻決定不出席今天的晚會。接著他就開始談論移民改革了。Steven Colbert, 你看人家夠狠吧。（Steve是專攻政治人物訪談的主持人，布希就對他很害怕，而奧巴馬索性就不參加他的節目） 07:28And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize. And he accepted it. You can"t be more badass than that. Well actually, I am thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.奧巴馬總統被指責太過於軟弱。儘管他正在發動兩場戰爭，他還是獲得了諾貝爾和平獎。而他也接受了。怎麼可能有比這更混蛋的事情。好吧，事實上，我在想，唯一有可能比這個更混蛋的事情，就是你接受了諾貝爾和平獎的獎金，然後把它們派發給軍隊。 08:10We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on the newspaper can you say things like "I was born in the year of the horse, that is why I am a naysayer." My point exactly.我們這裡坐著很多出類拔萃的新聞記者，我把你們看作是我的同行，因為我曾經也為校刊寫過文章。我覺得新聞業是雙關語最後的避難所。只有在報紙上你才能說類似於「我出生在馬年，這就是為什麼我愛唱反調。」（美國人形容馬叫的象聲詞是neigh，發音和nay一樣，naysayer就是no sayer，總是說不，總是唱反調的人）這就是我要表達的意思。 08:49And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously always watch when I couldn"t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn"t fall asleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3. Thank you very much.今晚是我第一次來到C-span頻道，通常當我無法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹與煽動時我就會選擇看你們的頻道（PBS的節目以主觀著稱，QVC則是購物頻道，說這段的時侯鏡頭給了下面人一個特寫，莫非是這兩個頻道的老闆？）。如果我看了C-span還是睡不著，那還有C-span 2和C-span 3（C-span頻道總是會轉播一些無聊的國會辯論）。非常感謝！ 09:32So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about. Thank you very much. America is number one. That is true because we won the World Series every year. [WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins. Great joke]我在2008年成為了美國公民，為此我很高興。（下面觀眾鼓掌）非常感謝。美國永遠是老大。這句話是真的，因為我們每年會贏World Series（WS是美國壘球隊比賽，參賽的都是美國球隊，所以無論如何都是美國人贏。） 09:58After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden. （pause, turn to Biden） You are welcome.You had me at "Yes we can". That was their slogan. So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think maybe I should run forpresident myself. Well I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. You know, cause I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You"ve probably made a difference but it is really hard to tell. But now we have a president who is half black and half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I am half not black, half not white. Two negatives make a positive. You maybe say even "hey, what will be your campaign slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. Oh, you too? OK. So I understand that American people are suffering. So my campaign slogan will be "Who cares!"成為美國公民後，我立刻登記了選票，把票投給了奧巴馬和拜登。（他回頭看著拜登，對拜登說）不用謝。你們的口號"是的，我們可以"征服了我。這是他們的口號。在奧巴馬和拜登當選後，我感受到自己對權力的渴望。於是我開始想，或許我也可以競選總統。好吧，我必須退回去解釋一下。我其實一直是一個憂鬱且悲觀的人。我覺得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜裡往雪地上撒尿。你認為這麼做有差別，但其實根本看不出來。但是現在我們有了一位半黑人血統半白人血統的總統。這給了我很大的希望。因為我一半不是黑人，一半不是白人。負負得正。你或許會問：「嘿，那你的競選口號會是什麼？」你看，我花了10年在過去10年里（decade和10 years都是10年的意思）。什麼，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美國人正經歷的痛苦。所以，我的競選口號將會是「胡在乎你！」（注意他發hu的時侯，故意讀的像who一樣，也就是who cares，「誰會在乎你」的意思） 12:00If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required. That will get me the youth vote. You see I am married now. I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like "wow, 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever."如果我當選，我不但會把同性戀結婚合法化還會把它作為要求。這會幫助我贏得年輕人的選票。你們也知道我已經結婚了。我過去對婚姻是非常恐懼的。我會想：「哇噻，50％的婚姻結局是大家要一輩子在一起。」 12:37And I will eliminated unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American work force. So two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins.我也會通過降低美國的生產率來消滅這個國家的失業率。所以必須讓兩個人做一個人能做的事，就好像總統與副總統，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她們是雙胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起設計服裝）。 13:00And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one, but it won"t be covered by health insurance though, because of pre-existing conditions.扣除心臟病和癌症，大多數美國人是自然死亡的。所以如果我當選，我就要找出一種治癒自然死亡的療法。你們看上去很期待這個，但是你們的醫療保險可不能報銷，因為這是在保險前就有的毛病。 13:34And I have quick solution to global warming. If elected, I will switch formFahrenheit toCelsius. It was 100 degrees before. Now it"s forty. You are very welcome.我還有解決全球變暖的特效措施。如果我當選了，我就把華氏改成攝氏。這樣以前的100度就會變成40度。 13:57And I am great with foreign policy. Because I am from China. And I can see Russia from my backyard. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to say hi, and text our enemies whenever they are driving. OMG, you are making a nuclear weapon? But you are doing it wrong, LOL.我也很擅長外交政策。因為我來自中國。我從我家後院就看得到俄羅斯（這裡諷刺Sarah Palin曾經說"我從我家門廊就看得到俄羅斯"）。我認為單邊主義代價太高，公開對話效率太低。如果我當選，我會選擇發送簡訊。我會發簡訊給我的聯盟說 hi, 我會在敵人開車的時侯發消息給他們。OMG, 聽說你們在造核武器？但是你們的做法不對，LOL（OMG和LOL都是簡訊流行用語, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。
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