The Hero in My Heart | 學數學的少年 Ⅲ

05-25

來自專欄高斯函數精

In April 2016, the 20-year-old 無知少女 Skyline lost the hero in her heart, Mr. X, forever to the aftermath of physics. Only 17 years old, she met Mr.X at a seminar about congruent number with silence and they get to know each other formally at next year』s Christmas. As Daphne Ran writes in 2018 biography on Skyline:

Mr. X and Skyline were soul mates. There are pictures, and there is truth.They were not only the other self or clones of each other, but also symbiotic opposites — each completed the other. Skyline admired Mr. X』s obvious mathematical brilliance and physical talent, and Mr.X clearly adored the fact that she loved and understood things he could barely appreciate at the time. But what they shared, most of all, was a initial heart without losing and a spirit of adventure with knowing can』t do it but do it.

During their years together, Mr. X and Skyline exchanged frequent letters, many now collected in the volume, Markov Love. But none is more poignant than the one written to Mr. X nineteen months after his death. Still despairing, still lost, Skyline write a cathartic letter that was sealed and never opened until she became a 數學更好的萌氣體小太陽 in 2018. Deeply touching, it reads as follows:

November 25, 2017

D』 X,

The warm orange cat in front of the FH has gained weight and the soft white kitty in the SH has become more lovely and just like two little balls of fur.

I know how much you like to hear that — but I dont only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you.

It is such a long lonely time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you』ll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic Taurus; and I really adore you, my deeply beloved sweetheart as well as math. Math is beauty; beauty is meaningless, so I thought there was no sense to writing.

But now I know the yearning hero in my heart that it is right to I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you.

I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead for aftermath — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems about stochastic process,game theory and financial market to discuss with you — I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do.We started to learn to write a song together — or learn French — or melting the Princeton tiger into butter. Can』t I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were my inspiration and general instigator of our wild adventure.

When you were dead in the aftermath you worried because you could not give me anything about mathematics that you wanted to and thought I needed.You can』t wait to ask me, however I never think of it, the essence of what I want to study in the future and tell me everything you know. You needn』t have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true — you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else — but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.

I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and dont want to be in my way. Ill bet you are surprised that I dont even have a boyfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years.But you cant help it, darling, nor can I — I dont understand it, for I have met many boys and very nice ones and I dont want to remain alone — but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes.You only are left to me. You are real.

My hero in my heart, I do adore you.

I love my hero. My hero is dead.

Sky.

PS Please excuse my not mailing this — but I dont know your new address.

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