在關係中我們感受到自己確實存在著

來自專欄 心理雜記

這段演講是美國作家David Brooks給芝加哥大學2017屆畢業生的一段分享，最後五分鐘的內容讓我特別觸動和感動，所以記錄下來，放在這裡，給剛好有機會看到的人。如果你也會感到觸動，那麼這段內容多半可以提高你餘生的幸福感。

人一生獲得的幸福大概取決於幸福感和壽命，壽命是量，幸福感是質量。曾經滄海難為水，希望我們都隨著人生的進展，越來越清楚自己真實的需要，因此可以心甘情願地追求，可以享受到更好品質的時光。

芝加哥大學畢業演講 by David Brooks

(David Brooks 是一位作家、評論家，紐約時報的專欄作者。）

全程視頻：http://video.sina.com.cn/view/257062404.html

Let me finish by speaking very briefly about what the University of Chicago did not give to me.

最後，我想簡單說一下芝加哥大學沒有教給我的東西。

In my era, and maybe today, Chicago did not prepare its students for intimacy.

在我上學那會兒，可能現在仍是這樣，芝大沒有教學生們如何建立親密關係。

As Ive grown older, Ive come to see that the capacity for intimacy, is one of the more crucial talents for a fulfilling life.

隨著年歲增長，我開始意識到，建立親密關係的能力，是收穫圓滿人生的關鍵本領之一。

Thats because the primary challenges of life are not knowledge challenges, they are motivational challenges. Its not only knowing what is good, but being completely and passionately devoted and loving what is good.

這是因為，人生最首要的挑戰，不在於缺少知識，而在於缺少由衷的動力。人不僅需要分得清好壞，還需要能夠全身心地投入到自己選擇的善途當中。

Its about passionately loving your spouse and family, in a way that brings out their loveliness. Its about loving your vocation with fierce dedication. Its about loving your community with a serving heart. Its about loving your philosophy or your God with a humble fervor.

人生的品質，在於熱愛著自己的伴侶和親人，以至於愛在你們之間互相激發；在於從心所願、義無反顧地愛著自己的事業；在於對周遭的社群抱著懇切地關懷；在於以謙和的赤子之心堅持著自己的良心和信仰。

A fulfilled life is moving from open options to sweet compulsions. Its about saying no to a thousand things, so you can say a few big yeses to the things you are deeply bound to. Its about loving things so much that you are willing to chain yourself down to them. The things you chain yourself to are the things that set you free.

圓滿的人生是從無限可能走向專註承諾而甘之如飴的過程，是放下一千件事，好讓自己有機會和時間堅持去做少數放不下的事情。是對你愛的事情如此牽念，以至於你願意把自己和這些事情綁定在一起。正是那些能讓你自願與之深深連結的東西，能帶給你真正的自由。

And it is not only loving Platonically. Its actually and intimately living out the day to day realities of your fiece love. Its about having the courage to engage in the reciprocal cycle of ever greater vulnerability. Its about enduring faithfully when there is some crisis, and you are not sure you believe in this relationship, this career, or this institution. Its about forgiveness for the betrayals committed against you and asking forgiveness when you have let down your friends or your profession or your spouse.

這種熱愛不是想像中的愛，而是你能日復一日地感受到踐行其中的衝動和需要；這種熱愛是雖然要面對循環往複、漸行漸深的脆弱感，也仍然無法磨滅的勇氣；是遭遇危機時仍想堅守，即使你沒法確定是否還相信這份關係、這份事業、或者這個機構；是願意寬恕對你的背叛，以及當你辜負了朋友、職責或者伴侶的時候，願意去尋求諒解。

When you make an intimate connection to a spouse, a friend, a profession or a community or faith, you are as Leon Wieseltier puts, "consenting to be trully known, which is an ominous prospect".

當你和伴侶、和朋友、和你的事業、和你身邊的社群、或者和你的信念，保持著親密的連結的時候， 就像 Leon Wieseltier說得那樣，即使這樣做前途未卜，但仍然寧願以真誠的自我面對別人、面對世界。

And so one needs the skills of intimacy to live well in such close proximity. One needs the skills of intimacy to achieve the kind of fusion that leads to real joy--when a couple become one loving entity, when you and your vocation have merged into a single identity, when your love for your God or your philosophy is a complete surrender.

What I am describing here are emotional arts. They are not natural, but have to be acquired by repeated vulnerability, commitment and experience.

我們需要學習建立和維護親密關係的能力，以便可以感受與所愛之人、所愛之事相互融納的超驗的快樂。這樣的能力是情感的藝術，並不是與生俱來的本能，需要反覆經歷脆弱不堪、矢志不渝、生活歷練後才能掌握。

When I was here at Chicago, we students by and large did not excel at intimacy. We were artful dodgers, with a superb ability to slip out of situations at moments when deep heart to heart connection might come. We were in the business at age 20 or 21 of trying to make a good impression, so of course we werent going to show the unattractive sides of ourselves, which is an absolute prerequisite of intimacy.

在芝加哥大學念書時，我們學生大多都不太擅長建立親密關係。相反我們非常擅長逃避，尤其擅長於迴避那些有可能建立深層的情感連接的情境。我們當時二十齣頭，主要關心的是如何給別人留下好印象，當然就不願意去展示自認為不夠吸引人的那些面，然而展示真誠的自己，是建立親密關係的絕對前提。

We were busy with our work and our books and student activities, and we told ourselves idiotically, that we didnt have time for deep relationships. We too often approach each other, shrouded in what Candace Volger calls an ediface of thought, when confronted with uncertainty or difficulty, we tended to revert to our strengths, which were our IQs and our thinking and talking skills.

我們當時忙著學業、忙著看書、忙著參加學生活動，年少無知地告訴自己，沒有時間去發展什麼深層的關係。 我們經常在互相接近時帶著一種Candace Volger所說的--「思維的面具」，一旦遭遇了困難或者不確定感，就紛紛逃回到自己擅長的慣性方式中去，用智商、思維和談話技巧來掩蓋自己的驚慌。

We sought to be masters of our life, rather than surrendering to emotions which are so much our of our control. And the university didnt help. The atmosphere at Chicago then was emotionally avoidant from the top down.

我們力求做生活的主宰者，絕不肯向自己難以把控的感性的一面投降。這時候大學沒有給我們提供幫助，當時的芝大上上下下籠罩著一種逃避情感的氣氛。

Too much of life was defined by what could be discussed in the classroom, and everything else just fell by the wayside. There wasnt enough dancing and drinking, or any of the other activities that make diffidence possible. There wasnt enough joint physical activity.

只有與學業有關的事情才能佔據了學生的注意力，其他的事情都要靠邊放放，校園中沒有足夠多的舞會和酒會，沒有足夠多的體育活動，也缺少其他任何鼓勵私人交流的場合。

Too much emphasis was put on scholarship and professionalism, and those things were defined by a pose of detachment, specialization, critical thinking, aloofness and a mythical belief in cool reasoning.

大家都過於看重學習成就和專業能力，而且自以為是地認為所謂的成就和能力，就是必須要展示出疏離的態度、精專的知識、批判性的思考，清高的姿態、以及對冷漠推理的迷之推崇。

Too much time was spent studying, which is solitary activity.Too much of student life was oriented around the Reg, and not because couples were fooling around in the stacks.

太多時間被用來學習了，而學習這件事不需要別人的陪伴。太多時間花在了在圖書館看書，而不是在圖書館的書架後親熱。

I left Chicago better at reading books than at reading people. I did not have the eyes to see the beauty in people who were so open hearted that they have nothing particularly interesting to say. I did not know how to handle the deepest and scariest intimacies.Im hoping I am a little better. I have had some graduate tutors in this.

我從芝大畢業的時候，比起閱人，更擅長讀書。那時候的我沒有識別慧心的慧眼，對於那些因為內心開放包容而不願意妄施評價的人，總是誤以為他們思想空乏。我也不懂得怎麼樣去面對親密關係必然帶來的惶恐不安。希望我可以做得好一些了，在這方面已經有一些朋友幫助過我。

Life will offer you a diminishing number of opportunities to show how smart you are. It will offer an infinite number of occations that require kindness, mercy, grace, sensitivity, sympathy, generosity and love. Life will require that you widen your repertoire of emotions, that you throw yourself heading into other people, that you take the curriculum of intimacy. If you havent mastered it yet, I ask you to turn to this task intentionally now.

隨著我們不斷地長大，生活中可以讓我們去顯示自己有多聰明的機會將越來越少，但生活會提供無數個場合，需要我們去展示善良、仁慈、通達、敏感、同情、慷慨、和愛。生活會要求我們豐富自己的情感，要求我們開放胸懷地接近別人，要求我們學習親密關係這門課程。如果你還沒有掌握這項能力，那麼請從現在開始，有意識地去學習吧。

So Im asking one final thing of you members of the Class of 2017. Tomorrow you will graduate. And that is a great accomplishment. But before you do, I hope that tonight, you will do one thing to cap you education. Go to the Regenstein with a special friend in you life. Find a spot deep in the stacks, where Nietzsches The Death of Tragedy is found. But do not open the book. Take off some of your clothes and fool around. Thank you and God bless you!

對2017屆的畢業生們，我有一個最後的建議。明天你們就要大學畢業了，這是一個值得慶賀的成就。在畢業之前，就在今晚，請再做一件給自己的學業錦上添花的事情。和一位你生活中重要的朋友，一起去圖書館，在書架的深處，找到尼採的著作「悲劇之死」。不過不要翻開書。褪去幾件衣裳，享受美好時光。謝謝！上帝保佑你們！

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