雅思作文批改第九彈 經濟發展最重要嗎

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

審題:

1.題干: 經濟發展最重要 & 其他發展也重要 & Discuss/Opinion

2.結構: 開頭段 + 主體一 + 主體二 + 結尾段

3.觀點: 經濟發展

優點: 生活保障, 其他方面發展基礎

其他方面

優點: 全面發展與人幸福息息相關, 用到反證

開頭段

①Nowadays, many governments pay more attentions to develop their economies, because they regard economy is a major target for a country. ②On the other sides, some people believe that a country should progress some other aspects such as environmental protection, education and job opportunities as well. ③Both views are beneficial for a country development.

[1]Nowadays, many governments pay more attentions to develop their economies, because they regard economy is a major target for a country.

• pay more attention 而不是 attentions
• pay attention to 的 to 是介詞, 後面名詞或者是動名詞 economic growth 吧
• 這裡 give priority to 代替 pay attention to 更好
• 固定結構是regard ... as ... 這裡可以改成 regard economy as being of paramount importance for a country

②On the other sides, some people believe that a country should progress some other aspects such as environmental protection, education and job oppurtunities as well.

• on the other side 而不是 sides
• progress 是不及物
• some other aspects 前面有介詞
• On the other side, some people believe that a country should also make progress in some other aspects such as environmental protection, education coverage and job creation.

③Both views are beneficial for a country development.

• 不能說觀點對國家發展有好處
• 可以說 From a long - term perspective, both views are reasonable

綜：Nowadays, many governments give priority to economic growth for they regard economy as being of paramount importance for a country. On the other side, some people believe that a country should also make progress in some other aspects such as environmental protection, education coverage and job creation. From a long - term perspective, both views are reasonable

第一主體段

①Economic progress is an important goal for governments, because a country with an excellent economic power will be more comfortable for people to inhabit. ②Through developing a country』s economy, the national capital will be increased, which can be used to improve citizens』 welfares. ③ For example, the government can raise the pension and decrease the tax so that people will feel peace. ④Therefore, economic process is necessary for building a wealthy and powerful country.

①Economic progress is an important goal for governments, because a country with an excellent economic power will be more comfortable for people to inhabit.

• a country with an excellent economic power, economic power 這個這裡過於嚴肅了. 就 a well - off country

②Through developing a country』s economy, the national capital will be increased, which can be used to improve citizens』 welfares.③ For example, the government can raise the pension and decrease the tax so that people will feel peace.

• 這裡其實可以舉個例子, 讓其更有說服力. A rich country can provide better welfare (不可數), from a minimum guaranteed income to national health service, which can undoubtedly increase the happiness quotient of a state.
• 按原文寫的話用 to secure the life of their people 而不是 people will feel peaceful

④ Therefore, economic process is necessary for building a wealthy and powerful country.

• 跟powerful沒有什麼關係吧Therefore, economic growth is necessary for building a wealthy country where people can have a secured and happy life.

綜: Economic progress is an important goal for governments, because a well - off country will be more comfortable for people to inhabit. In addition, a rich country can provide better welfare, from a minimum guaranteed income to national health service, which can undoubtedly increase the happiness quotient of a state.

第二主體段

①However, other types of progress should also be major goals for a country. ②First, the government should pay more attentions to environment issues, because various kinds of pollution have influenced the humans lives. ③Then, the education is a focused problem by residences, and a high educational quality can produce more talented people for a county. ④Finally, due to the increasing population, there are less job opportunities, and this issue may lead several social problems. The government should equally follow the development of employment. ⑤Therefore, some other important aspects should be focused and improved by the governments

[1] However, other types of progress should also be major goals for a country.

• 這裡需要指出這些問題單單靠經濟發展解決不了 However, other types of progress should also be achieved as there are many issues to which economic growth alone is not the solution.

[2] First, the government should pay more attentions to environment issues, because various kinds of pollution have influenced the humans lives.

• First of all, the government should pay more attention to environmental degradation , which have been adversely impacting peoples lives.

[3] Then, the education is a focused problem by residences, and a high educational quality can produce more talented people for a county

• a focused problem 應該是 a major concern for all citizens
• 但是從後半句來看, 我覺得前半句應該寫全民教育. Besides, education should be available to all fora high educational quality can provide a steady stream of talent for a country.

[4] Finally, due to the increasing population, there are less job opportunities, and this issue may lead several social problems.

• 要觀點寫在最前面, 後面加原因. Finally, more job opportunities should be created as unemployment lead to a wide range of social problems.

[5] Therefore, some other important aspects should be focused and improved by the governments

• 這裡要用到反證 The efforts of governments wound not be paid off If they only focus on economic development and overlook the improvement in other respects.

綜: However, other types of progress should also be achieved as there are many issues to which economic growth alone is not the solution. First of all, the government should pay more attention to environmental degradation, which have been adversely impacting peoples lives. Besides, education should be available to all for quality education can provide a steady stream of talent for a country. Finally, more job opportunities should be created as unemployment lead to a wide range of social problems. The efforts of governments would not be paid off if they only focus on economic development and overlook the improvement in other respects.

結尾段

In conclusion, although the economy development is important, there are many other issues should be solved by the government. A country will attract more people to live if it progresses are made all needs.

直接改: In conclusion, although economy development is important, there are many other issues should also be solved . A country will attract more people to live if it achieves overall development.

Task Response 5.5

應該了解了一些該怎麼寫, 但積累不夠, 有點』巧婦難為無米之炊』

語言基礎不是很好, 有些基本錯誤

Coherence & Cohesion 5.5

需要了解雅思寫作中每一個觀點都應以觀點開頭再加以支撐和舉例

Lexical Resources 5.5

一些基礎用法錯誤, 包括詞性上的

Grammar Accuracy 5.5

語法不怎麼樣, 有一些基本的語法錯誤

Overall 5.5

要做的就是積累用法了, 各方面