雅思作文批改第八彈 藝術家與補助

Some people think people working in creative arts should be financially supported by government. Others think they should find financial support from other resources. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

審題:

1.題干: 創造性藝術家靠政府財政 & 尋找其他資助 & Discuss/Opinion

2.結構: 開頭段 + 主體一 + 主體二 + 結尾段

3.觀點: 政府

優點: 無後顧之憂, 專註創作

缺點: 成為政治口舌, 過早結束藝術生命, 財政壓力

贊助

優點: 某些高額回報, 促進一些行業的發展, 娛樂大眾

缺點: 部分藝術家找不到贊助無法生存, 向市場妥協

開頭段

①As creative arts developed by leaps and bounds, we can witness that there is an increasing number of people devoting themselves to arts. ②Some people are deeply worried about the financial support of those who work in creative arts, thinking that governments are ought to invest money in arts, but others believe that artists should seek financial support by themselves. ③From where I stand, people working in arts are expected to be financially supported by both governments as well as other resources.

[1] As creative arts developed by leaps and bounds, we can witness that there is an increasing number of people devoting themselves to arts

• developed 一般過去這裡不合適, 換成現在進行或者完成. 這個分句其實都可以不要
• we can witness that 多餘了, 甚至可以說there is前面都是『多餘』的

[2] Some people are deeply worried about the financial support of those who work in creative arts, thinking that governments are ought to invest money in arts, but others believe that artists should seek financial support by themselves.

• 這裡『犯不著』worry about, 除非題目說了那些藝術家黑窮, financially embarrassing
• are ought to 中 are 多餘了
• While some people believe that governments should be responsible for the financial welfare of creative artists, others argue that artists should seek financial support themselves. 留下兩個想法做對比就足以完成題目要求了, 多了反而累贅.

[3] From where I stand, people working in arts are expected to be financially supported by both governments as well as other resources.

• be expected to表將會, 當然沒對咯.
• 『沒有』support by resources 這個說法. 這麼改: ... should live on both state benefits and funds from other resources.

第一主體段

①Governments should invest some money in arts to boost the development of art. ②This is mainly because with money offered by the government, artists are more likely to pursue their art performance without hesitation. ③Investing money in arts means that local governments are encouraging people to work in creative arts actively. ④Thus, there is no doubt that this measure will consequently boost the artistic development at a rapid rate and then the economy of cities will be better.

[1] Governments should invest some money in arts to boost the development of art.

• invest money in arts 出現太多次了, 用 subsidize art creation.
• to boost the development of art 一個頗具中國特色的表達
• 這裡可以改成 Governments should award grants to artists to encourage art creation.

[2] This is mainly because with money offered by the government, artists are more likely to pursue their art performance without hesitation.

• 這裡要和上一句邏輯連得上, 這麼寫. The policy works in most cases as artists would be free to fulfill their artistic aspiration when offered steady welfare payments.

[3] Investing money in arts means that local governments are encouraging people to work in creative arts actively. [4] Thus, there is no doubt that this measure will consequently boost the artistic development at a rapid rate and then the economy of cities will be better.

• 開頭應該有個連接詞 furthermore 或者其他『遞進』的
• [3][4]句應該合併到一起, Government funding can galvanize more people into artistic creation and usher in an era when arts flourish.
• 像boost artistic development 這種真的不通.
• 實際上藝術繁榮和經濟發展聯繫不是很緊密, 所以[4]最後句意思不很能成立.

第二主體段

①However, artists should also find other supporters to gain financial support. ②This is because boosting artistic development is not the most important problem for the government to address. ③Emphasis should be placed on public services and other significant issues about individuals, whose improvement will definitely impost directed impacts on citizens. ④In addition, it is not each government that has enough budget to invest in arts after putting the majority of the money into solving other social problems. ⑤Thus, it is better for people working in creative arts to search other financial supports to ensure that they have enough money to go ahead artistic performance.

[1] However, artists should also find other supporters to gain financial support.

• find support from other supporters 這個『車軲轆』話了
• 這裡寫資助的話不是很準確, 比如商業活動這些就談不上supporter了. 寫個大白話 artists should also derive money from other resources

[2] This is because boosting artistic development is not the most important problem for the government to address. ③Emphasis should be placed on public services and other significant issues about individuals, whose improvement will definitely impost directed impacts on citizens.

• 怎麼又是topic sentence + this is because. 其實多看外刊就知道, 幾乎『沒人』這麼寫.
• [2] 和[3]句可以合在一起. Art funding often have no budget priority, which should be given to public service and other more significant undertakings, whose improvement matters for citizens well being.

[4] In addition, it is not each government that has enough budget to invest in arts after putting the majority of the money into solving other social problems.

• 這個不應該是另外一個觀點, 而應該就是『補完』上面一個. Therefore, artists should not wholly rely on welfare as it is not every government that are well - off enough to fully funding arts on top of those vital issues.

[5] Thus, it is better for people working in creative arts to search other financial supports to ensure that they have enough money to go ahead artistic performance.

• 這句意思前面已經表達了, 應該不再需要了

結尾段

①As is discussed above, I hold the belief that financial supports from government and other resources play an indispensable role in artistic development, neither of which can be ignored. ②On the one hand, governments should invest a certain money in art; on the other hands, artists can gain investments by various methods such as selling their works and seeking help from their friends and families.

[1] As is discussed above, I hold the belief that financial supports from government and other resources play an indispensable role in artistic development, neither of which can be ignored.

• as discussed 沒有 is
• both financial support ... and other resources play ... and thus neither can be ignored

[2] On the one hand, governments should invest a certain money in art; on the other hands, artists can gain investments by various methods such as selling their works and seeking help from their friends and families.

• 簡單改一下 while government should invest a small proportion of budget in arts, artists should also seek other financial resources.

Task Response 5.5

知道一些結構, 但真心把握不好 觀點看起來蠻雷同的

證明觀點時車軲轆話太多了. 證明結構也雷同, 觀點句 + it is because ... 重複出現

Coherence & Cohesion 5.5

沒什麼連接詞, 邏輯沒有表達清楚。

用的一些連接詞也不是非常到位

Lexical Resources 5.5

辭彙量有點小, 重複多, 中國風用法多, 用詞不當多

Grammar Accuracy 5.5

語法倒是還行

Overall 5.5

推薦閱讀：