雅思作文批改第七彈 名人與慈善項目

Some people believe famous persons support towards international aid organizations draw the to problems, while others think celebrities make the problem less important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

審題:

1. 題干: 明星參加慈善事業, 喧賓奪主&讓更多人關心慈善, Discuss, 沒有陷阱

2. 結構：開頭段 + 關注慈善 + 喧賓奪主 + 結尾段

3. 觀點：關注慈善: 名人效應, 更容易打動人, 喚起人們善心, 得到人們幫助

喧賓奪主: 就是喧賓奪主, 只關心名人, 名人不能長期堅持, 媒體也不再關心

開頭段

①Celebrities have served as remarkable roles in the course of social affairs.②While many people question if they detract from problems, I believe famous people could exert positive effects.

[1] 有幾個用法問題

• serve as remarkable roles, 有固定用法, play a X role in, X 可為許多形容詞, remarkable role 也是可以的
• in the course of social affair, course 是多餘的, 然後affair這個詞在我的印象里.不這麼用, 他會是前面加 the 來代指, 或者加個類別形容詞像financial來指財務事物, 或者就是專有名詞 China affairs這種了。 social 一般和events代替。但是這裡確切的說應該是charity events

[2] 這裡問題也多

• question 後面用whether, 這裡去查下if 和 whether 區別哈. 然後我認為這裡用這個結構不合適. 應該直接說他們認為什麼什麼
• Detract from 這個使什麼失色, 後面接正面詞,achievement, charming, importance

這裡可以用divert attention from the problem itself

綜: Celebrities play an important role in charity events. While many people argue that the their involvement may diverts attention from the problem itself, I believe they exert positive effects in general.

第一主體段

①It』s universally acknowledged that celebrities can make social hot pots easily. ②In general, public figures receive more concern and imitation than ordinary people, so that they can guide the media orientation to social aids. ③For instance, if Jackie Chan, a movie star with 30 million followers，tweets news about a severe earthquake，then undoubtedly the disaster area will soon gain more attention and assistance than usual. ④Besides, the power of celebrity charm is also reflected in the rising of public awareness. ⑤Fans prefer to support and donate to programmes idols publicized，hence they increase sense of civism objectively。

[1] [2] 這兩句是第一個優點嘛. 第三句是例子來支撐這個優點的.

但是這兩句問題多多

• social hot pot, 應該是social hot spot 不然意思有點太搞了, 但是這個相當於heated issue, 我覺得不如heated topic準確
• receive 和 concern還有imitation 都不搭啊
• guide...orientation... 這個完全沒對

綜合起來我覺得改一下: The involvement of famous people in charities would spotlight the events as every move of them can receive much publicity. 剛好和下面成龍大哥的例子接得上.

[3] 這個例子不錯. 我一向鼓勵學生用例子, 很多題目, 你就是寫不出道理來, 這時候例子可以發揮作用.

[4] 這個和前面的意思一樣,刪去吧

[5] increase sense of civism objectively 這個表達我沒有理解哈. 我覺得他們還可以籌錢 They can raise money for charities as their calls for donations would get active response from their followers.

第二主體段

①However, excessive concern on celebrities may cause less attention on issues themselves.② Fans sometimes just do as told to please icons rather than genuinely interested in offering aids. ③Worsely, it was ever exposured that several actors used eye-catching problems to increase their own popularity while investing no authentic resources. ④In these conditions，the problem solving will be delayed and end up with nothing definite.

[1] 這一句同樣需要改, 這裡需要so ... that ...

Sometimes celebrities draw so much attention that the event itself may not be sufficiently covered.

[2] 這個和第一句放在一起, 沒表達出什麼意思. 寫個結果怕才能連上 As a result, publicity surrounding the events would vanish once the celebrity stop involvement in them. This is why some charity events with a good beginning fail to last long.

[3] 這個有點尷尬, 因為是我最喜歡的女明星.

• 是what is worse 不是worsely
• exposured 我相信是exposed
• what is worse, it is exposed that several actors getting involved with charities just to gain popularity and they have never followed up the progress of the program and fulfilled the promise they had made.

[4] 這句刪掉就好

①In my perspective，people always regard celebrities involved in social benefits as the moral compass and follow their good behavior.② If idols are sincere in aids，public support will also bring more positives than negatives，thus leading to a harmonious social atmosphere。

[1] 是from my perspective, moral compass 改為 moral model

改一下: From my perspective, famous people can serve as role models and encourage public involvement in charities.

[2] And charity programmes will benefit from the involvement of those figures though they automatically arrest much attention.

Task Response 5.0 比上一篇好一些, 當然你也看到, 太多表述不到位了. 不過路子是對的, 這種題目一定要例子支撐, 光說理根本寫不夠字

Coherence & Cohesion 5.0 用了連接詞, 但邏輯沒有表達清楚。表達邏輯更重要的是句子的內容， 連接詞只是一個標記。

Lexical Resources 5.0很大的問題是冒險用詞, 這在考試時是大忌. 會讓5.5的作文會變成5. 下次改掉這個

Grammar Accuracy 5.5 語法還行吧， 雖然也有錯的

Overall 5.0