雅思批改日記第十一彈 家庭垃圾回收

Some people claim that not enough of the waste from houses is recycled.

They say that the only way to increase recycling is for governments to make it

a legal requirement.

To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycled more

of their waste.

審題

1. 題干: 法律手段 家庭廢物回收

2. 結構: 開頭段 + 主體一 + 主體二 + 結尾

3. 觀點: 優點: 強制性帶來效果,

其它: 產品設計, 增強意識

開頭段

Recycling household waste nowadays has become an issue in our society. Consequently, some feel it is essential that governments should make laws to strengthen recycling. In my opinion, we are well-advised to combine laws and other measures in order to increase the recycling and will elaborate below.

... it is essential that governments should make laws

虛擬語氣的一種, 表強調,命令. 這裡should可以不要

... to strengthen recycling

這裡專門指household recycling, 所以需要在recycling前面加the

we are well-advised to combine laws and other measures in order to increase the recycling and will elaborate below.

這句子不通. elaborate on 這裡也不很適合. 這裡把 in order to increase ... 移到前面, 再把measures 寫成定語從句

to achieve this goal, we need to combine laws and the measures I suggest below.

綜

Household waste recycling nowadays has become an issue in our society. Consequently, some feel it is essential that governments make laws to strengthen the recycling. In my opinion, to achieve this goal, we would be well-advised to combine laws and other measures I suggest below.

第一主體段

On the one hand, laws are required to be introduced by the government to increase recycling waste from houses. It is manifest that there is the a large amount of waste produced in every residents』 house, which could be used to produce other items again. If people are regulated by laws related to recycling and then the household waste would be collected much and widely . Norway, for example, which is famous for environmental protection, takes domestic recycling seriously, introducing recycling laws to enforce citizens to do recycling since the 1980s, gathering millions of tons waste produced domestically every year. This, arguably, suggests that recycling laws are key elements to increase household recycling.

這一段主要是邏輯問題

It is manifest that there is the a large amount of waste produced in every residents』 house, which could be used to produce other items again.

原文要求的是法律與廢物回收. 而不是應不應該回收或者回收的意義.這一句顯然離題了, 全去掉

If people are regulated by laws related to recycling and then the household waste would be collected much and widely.

第一他不通, 第二是邏輯不全

要先說明, 人們不處理那些, 很大程度上就是因為沒有法律的強制性, 所以法律來了, 情況會有好轉.

Many people can not be bothered to recycle not because they lack environmental awareness but because recycling is not mandatory. If there is a law that obliges people to recycle their household refuse, they will play a more active role in the classification, collection and disposal of household waste, and then the household waste problem would be significantly alleviated.

這才是一個邏輯, 才能拿分, 而不是像文中那樣, 只有例子 ....

第二主體段

On the other hand, apart from enacting laws to recycle, the government should also focus on the people』s awareness of recycling in their own homes. A relevant example is China, there are fewer people know how to do domestic recycling, in this case, even if most residents abide by laws, household waste would fail to be recycled effectively. The government, therefore, is supposed to start television campaigns, introducing recycled items to people, enabling them to sort recycling waste in a right way. By imparting such knowledge referred to recycling, the amount of recycled household waste is expected to increase significantly.

there are fewer people know

這裡是where 而不是there are

後面好幾處該斷句不斷

start television campaigns

start 應為 launch

The government, therefore, is supposed to start television campaigns, introducing recycled items to people, enabling them to sort recycling waste in a right way

幾個分詞從句都用錯了 introduce 這裡應該是並列, enable 也不自然.

The government, therefore, is supposed to launch television campaigns and introduce recycling know-how to people to make it easier for them to sort recycling waste in a proper way.

By imparting such knowledge referred to recycling, the amount of recycled household waste is expected to increase significantly.

這是標準的Dangling Modifier了， 分詞的動作發出者和主句主語不符合

改 By imparting such knowledge referred to recycling, governments can expect a considerable increased in the amount of recycled waste.

To sum up, I believe that making laws to recycle domestic waste is a necessary approach, along with another measure of raising people』s awareness of recycling, could help to gather as much as waste coming from people』s houses to be recycled.

又出了語法錯誤.

該斷句不斷

as much as waste coming from people』s houses to be recycled.

recycle as much waste coming from house as possible.

不知道你是不是聽了(或看了)Brooks Ladon 的

How to Build Great Sentences, 這麼喜歡用分詞從句, 但分詞從句傳遞的不是句子的主要信息, 這點你要注意.

Task Response 6.0

第一主體段邏輯不算完整

立場統一

分論點有扣題失誤

論述不完整

論據充分

Coherence & Cohesion 6.0

分論點之間有組織

段落之間有標誌詞

連接詞使用準確

指示代詞莫問題

議論過程邏輯不完整

Lexical Resources 7.0

辭彙量大, 用法比較豐富 比較準確

Grammar Accuracy 6.0

語法多樣

但也有好幾處錯誤

且好幾次該斷句的時候不斷

Overall 6.0

t?

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