An Open Letter to My Parents

Forward (-ish):

I wrote this letter about three weeks ago, during a very desperate period of time. It contains a lot of what I have been feeling during the past a little over two years. I now still struggle with social interactions on a daily bases, but hopefully stepping out of the dark period. I post this because it needs to be said, whether anyone sees or really understands it. It is a reminder for myself that life is hard, but I still do love it to the bone.

An Open Letter to My Parents??

Dear mom and dad, I apologize for writing to you guys in English again. But there are just words that I cannot say in our native language, words that are too "naked" without the veil of a second language to cover them.

But mom and dad, really, I just want to say sorry. College has started two months ago, and for all of us, the past two months have not been easy.

I know you did not send me this far to live an ordinary life. You sent me here expecting me to work hard, grow strong, and become SOMEBODY. ?

I apologize for wanting to be just an ordinary person. Not working especially hard, and not expecting anything especially extraordinary. I am sorry for being satisfied with being the person who claps for the hero; I am sorry for not working as hard to make the risk you took worth gambling. I tried to convince myself that "Yes, I am a hard-worker, I have met what my parents have expected of me." But no. All of us know that it is not true.

Too many times I have found myself sitting in my room watching films alone. Books, and films, they are my disguise, concealing the fact that I have way too much time in my hands and I am just throwing them away. School has been easy, since I am taking as few credits as possible. I try to be social and go to events, but most of the time when I meet someone, I cannot find the words to say. These all come with practice, I know. But I am too lazy, too afraid to try over and over again. Because every time I screw up, the pillar that is holding me on crumbles a little, and I am a coward, because I do not dare to fall.

A last bit of my pride still sticks with me, and it constantly reminds me that a strong person does not beg. It tells me that I should not beg for attention, for what is mine will come, and I will seize it with my unique strength. Slowly, I have gotten to know people, and I have encountered some wonderful souls. But most of the time, it is still just me, and my prideful solitude.

You have tried to correct me, guiding me onto the right track. But every time, I would get off the road, and never get back again. I always have excuses, even though some seem unconvincing even to myself. When you try to talk me out of it, we both end up getting frustrated. I start to doubt everything, every little detail about myself. This process is miserable. It does not bring me pain, most of the time. It sends out little bugs that are slowly eating away my beliefs.

Sometimes I feel like a frog sitting in a slow cooking pot, silently suffering, withering away without even noticing it. I must have never realized your struggles, either. I am out here, seeing the world and wasting the best years of my life, while you are back home, working for money, and gambling all of it on me -- your only chance. Sometimes I just dont think I worth that much. But I need not to be reminded that there is no other way now, except for me to change and somehow make our endeavors all worthwhile.

Maybe the process can potentially be a good thing, as my obsolete, conservative thoughts are getting replaced by the newer, better ones. But I am stubborn, I grip so strong on the belief that a man does not have to keep pace with his companions. I would not let it go even when blood drips from my fingers and tears blind my eyes. For me, that belief is the only way how my life can make sense -- I do not conform, then no one can judge my failures with a conventional ruler. Then I can pretend that I am fine, stand back up and go along my own way again.

That much I can say for now. I realize that, if anything, this is more of an emotional outburst than a valid argument. That is fine with me, since I am not trying to argue about anything. I write this to apologize to you, for not being the child you expect me to be. Maybe one day I will get there, but it is going to take much, much longer. Or maybe I never will, in which case I truly, truly apologize, and I do not expect you to accept my apology.

Dear mom and dad, should you ever understand my agony, please do not be worried. I am not giving up. I am way too young and I won』t stop running, even though I am only moving forward slowly. I will get somewhere eventually. I don』t know where it will be yet, but wherever the place may be, it is going to be my life. It is me who is running the race, I will accept whatever I deserve. If my life doesnt turn out to be how I wish, I will fight for a change. Maybe only then will I realize that I should have started earlier, but that is the price I have to pay. Your daughter, has always learned everything the hard way.

So these are my thoughts, in words. Nothing more, nothing less. I am not asking you to do anything. These are just thoughts, in words, as accurate and honest as they are in my brain. I cannot imagine the look on your face when you comprehend my thoughts in this letter, I dread to know. But this is how it is, right? This treacherous but beautiful thing that we call 「life」.

Yours, with love,

Yilin Anne

Afterward (-ish):

This is the first time (as far as I can remember) that I have written something without a sugarcoated happy ending. As I gradually learned, not every story end in happiness, and may be mine won』t, either. But that is OK. A story does not have to end in happiness for it to be meaningful, same is true for this letter. These words are excerpts from my brain that are thrown out here on a piece of paper, as raw as they will ever be. They are the dark side of me, the side that I finally have the courage to show to the world. And I shall say, I have guilt, but I have no shame.

Good Day!

2016.11.17

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