雅思批改日記第三彈 青年與老年領導人

The leaders or directors of companies are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be a leader. A/D

審題

[1] 題干: 青年領導比老年領導好, 同意不同意. 沒有陷阱

[2] 結構: 開頭段 + 讓步駁斥段 + 主體段二 + 結尾段

[3] 觀點: 年齡大的優勢: 成熟, 善於規避風險,善於處理人際關係 劣勢: 健康, 不善於接收新生事物, 不喜歡變革

青年人的優勢: 精力, 喜愛創新, 善於接收新鮮事物 劣勢:莽撞衝動 (想不出來了)

開頭段

①There is a tendency that company leaders are composed of senior employees, while less young generations enjoy the privilege of being the directors. ②From my perspective, the opportunities of guiding the organisation should also be assigned to junior workers.

[1] 句子一問題多多, 一個一個來看.

a. There is a tendency that 這種所謂的介紹語屬於廢話的一種, 沒必要寫出來.直接寫in most organizations

b. leaders are composed of 不合適, 是領導層嘛, 寫management teams are composed of ...

c. less young generations 相當累贅的用法, younger people 就好了

d. 這裡有個常用的動詞exclude, younger people are excluded from leadership.

[2] 主要問題是頭尾寫倒了

掉頭: From my perspective, they should be given the opportunities to direct the organization if they are well qualified for the position.

開頭段修改為: In most organizations，management teams are composed of senior employees and younger workers are excluded from leadership. From my perspective, younger generation should be given the opportunities to direct the organization if they are well qualified for the position.

主體段一

①Admittedly, most old citizens are equipped with abundant experience, while undoubtedly would do a great favour to the firm. ②When encounter with intractable dilemmas, the merits of possessing an experienced old leader, who is capable of addressing the difficulties effectively, are appreciated. ③Nevertheless, younger learners are able to fulfill further stuff than elderly people.

[1][2] 這兩句可以合併. Admittedly, elder leaders are experienced in dealing with difficulties confronting their companies. 然後這裡加一句有了他們公司會怎麼樣, 不要老說老領導, 不然是車軲轆話. Thus a company is more likely to avoid risks or get out of trouble with a veteran in the driving seat.

[3] 這句我沒懂. 從下一段來看, 這裡就不用寫了.

這一段改為: Admittedly, elder leaders are experienced in dealing with difficulties confronting their companies.Thus a company is more likely to avoid risks or get out of trouble with a veteran in the driving seat.

主體段二

①Since the emergence of industrial revolution, the world has become under the drive of technology. ②Specifically, e-commercial platforms, which may be unfamiliar to most older leaders, are widely applied. ③As young people are experts utilizing the Internet, they can do a preferable job of promoting the products and service concepts online, even to the world, solely with a click of the mouse. ④As a result, the economy gets a boost with the assistance of e-commercial technology.

[1]首先, 起首句沒有起到將這一段和主題聯繫起來的作用.改.

However, elderly leaders have some advantages compared with younger counterparts

[2] 雅思寫作中, 背景盡量放到最後寫. 像這樣 , The most obvious example is that they are generally less receptive than the young to new technologies, which plays a vital role for todays commercial success.

[3] 這裡其實算是一個實例對比. 這裡要用This is why 這個銜接來過渡.

This is why most new generation of business tycoons are founded by people aged under 35, such as Facebook by Mr Zuckerberg and Baidu by Li Yanhong.

[4] Therefore, a management team joined by young people are more likely to take advantage of new technologies to reap profits.

綜: However, elderly leaders have some advantages compared with younger counterparts. The most obvious example is that they are generally less receptive than the young to new technologies, which plays a vital role for todays commercial success. This is why most new generation of business tycoons are founded by people aged under 35, such as Facebook by Mr Zuckerberg and Baidu by Li Yanhong. Therefore, a management team joined by young people are more likely to take advantage of new technologies to reap profits.

主體段三

①Furthermore, it should not be neglected that the young have better physical conditions than old generations.②Over-working has developed into an unavoidable trend among corporations, which lead to a common phenomenon that a majority of employees are forced to work overnight under enormous pressure. ③This is when the advantages of having a robust physical body get to shown. ④Only the young people could cope with the increasing working hours.

[1] 嚴格說來還好, 但better physical conditions不是很奇怪嗎, 不如說more vigorous and healthy

[2] 這個又是背景. 雅思寫作中背景放後面寫. This makes them better leaders than senior employees as overwork and working under pressure has been inevitable for managers in todays corporations.

[3] [4] 寫了太多意思意思重複的話了, 沒必要

綜: This makes them better leaders than senior employees as overwork and working under pressure has been inevitable for managers in todays corporations.

結尾段

On balance, younger generations should also acquire the equal opportunity of being a leader, for they can neatly operate new technologies and are more energetic than the old. However, the rich experience of senior citizens should not be ignored. Only by taking both sides into consideration can the society maintain a sustainable and prosperous future.

結尾段所有的觀點都要體現出來. 按照原文結構, 先寫讓步的部分. On balance, the elderly are generally good directors because they are often clever at handling complexities. But young people also should be regarded as candidates for managers as they may be more creative and healthy. And it is the needs of the businesses that determine who should be entrusted with the responsibility.

Task Response 5.5

Coherence & Cohesion 5.5

Lexical Resources 5.5

Grammar Accuracy 5.5

這位同學最重要的是改掉行文順序, 雅思寫作先寫結論,把背景放在後面寫. 盡量簡化自己的句子, 你句子太繁複了. 要做到這一點, 得注意動詞的使用. 車軲轆話太多了,簡化.