文書課堂|SOP開頭怎麼寫

04-23

上一篇我們講解了UIUC的PS的首段如何加強亮點PS開頭怎麼寫。這一篇，以我們往年用戶申請UCLA的菲爾丁學院的SOP的首段為例，講解怎樣開門見山地顯示自己的優秀，寫出你的精彩。

（文中示例已取得作者及文書導師授權）

以下為用戶原文：

I want to make a difference to the world in science exploration as well as in social involvement, for the development of evidence-based medicine together with social collaboration have provided us the chance of saving millions at a time. Since the experience in serving in Shandong Province Blood Center in my freshman year, I have been equipped with some devotion to this course: 「Why not have some hot water?」 When I received the cup with warm and friendship from the doctor in charge after a cold winter afternoon work, I felt the passion we shared in public health. 「Why am I donating my blood? Because it helps, doesn』t it.」 Faced with the trust in donators』 smile, I realized the responsibility on our shoulder. I have been trying to equip myself with knowledge and skills ever since, trying to improve through in-class as well as out-class experiences, to be eligible for this responsibility, to keep exploring, learning and progressing. And that is what I will continue to pursue throughout my life.

修改後：

From trapping mice in the fields at night, collecting tissue samples to trace a scrub typhus outbreak, to working at the Shandong Province Blood Center, to a chronic illness management project that involved 3,457 families and 59 grassroots organizations; throughout these experiences of tenacity and a sense of purpose drove me forward. Exposure to challenging situations, rigorous project design and execution, alongside inspiring colleagues enabled me to build core skills beyond the level of those I learned on my degree. Consequently, I identified epidemiology—particularly that of infectious diseases—as a key component of my research goals, and the Fielding School as the ideal place to utilize, enhance and expand my background.

（為便於講解，已將文章用粗細兩種字體區分）

首先看第一部分（細體部分），原稿第一部分的表述並不出彩，最大的弊病是沒內容。招生官獲取不到他們想要的信息（比如申請者的實力和見解），也找想要讀下去的點（比如有趣的經歷和令人讚歎的文筆）。於是，修改策略是（1）填內容；（2）語言修飾。

內容上，修改後一句話列舉用戶原文中的四段經歷「 trapping mice , collecting tissue samples，working at the Shandong Province Blood Center, a chronic illness management project」四段經歷串出從事這個項目的初衷「 throughout these experiences of tenacity and a sense of purpose drove me forward.」水到渠成。經歷是用戶本來就有的，這些經歷在申請中是很精彩的加分項。但明顯，該用戶初稿時和大多數申請者一樣，空有精彩背景，在文書里卻展現地不夠充分。

語言上，精鍊是不言而喻的。但言詞精鍊老到的程度，我們還是要分析一下。用戶的經歷描寫「trapping mice in the fields at night」時間、地點、事件僅7個單詞,「collecting tissue samples to trace a scrub typhus outbreak」9個單詞，「working at the Shandong Province Blood Center」7個單詞，「chronic illness management project that involved 3,457 families and 59 grassroots organizations」這段經歷為了突出能力用定語做了修飾，但依然僅有12個單詞。加上串聯詞和標點也不過才53個詞，再也沒有刪掉任何詞的餘地。

一篇合格文書的標準之一：刪無可刪，每一句都有信息。

再來看第二部分（粗體部分）。這幾句看起來似乎沒有問題，舉例論證、細節描寫、感情升華，好像很完美的套路。但這一段放在這裡並不合適。閱讀文書的人不是標化考試的考官，他們不喜歡這樣形式主義的表述。要時刻牢記在心，我們平時用的正常的寫作模式，並不能體現我們在將英語作為第二語言學習時的「邏輯性」。在看修改後，修改後的細體部分已經完成了舉例的任務，那麼接下來要做的工作是——寫出自己的收穫。「有所為，有所得」這是SOP的通用邏輯。Consequently自然引出SOP里的P，即purpose部分，過渡自然。

修改後，作者完成了這樣一項工作「你看我經歷豐富，下文我會展開講這些經歷，有興趣的話就接著看下去。我與人有良好的合作能力，我還有責任感，並且我喜歡你們的項目，想成為其中一員，我是你們理想的研究夥伴」。其實，修改前的文段也在進行這項任務，但是未修改的文段煽情稍多、實質內容比較少，去掉形式主義的東西內容顯得十分單薄，別人看過後的感受是「哦，你有一項實習，你是個熱血少年」。這樣的你遠不夠一個理想的合作夥伴的標準。但初稿的內容恰恰是很多同學文書中的弊病。

一句話總結這篇內容：改掉煽情的毛病，用最少的詞講最多的事，讓你的文書每一句都有實在意義。

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