The Journey of Spiritual Growth （《少有人走的路》讀書筆記 2016.6)

在知乎潛水頗有幾年了。六月加入了章魚的讀書群，初衷本是修正這些年的零輸出讀書模式，每月至少吐出一篇讀書筆記。不料認識了一些常年筆耕不輟的朋友，回頭看著自己光禿禿的一畝三分地居然羞愧起來。姑且把上個月的讀書筆記放在這兒，不論好壞，這件事總算是開了頭。

I Discipline

「What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one.」

Life is a series of problems. It』s already comforting by accepting the truth above, given that we all are facing various problems and experiencing frustration or grief or anxiety or despair since we were born. Discipline are the tools designed for those problems and four of them are described: delaying of gratification, acceptance of responsibility, dedication to truth, and balancing.

1. Delaying Gratification

It is the only decent way to live. People alway eating the frosting first usually tend to procrastinate. However problems do not go away; they must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit. For children, it』s necessary to have self-disciplined role models, a sense of self-worth, and the degree of trust in the safety of their existence.

I have no evidence, but that could be why productive and self-disciplined people also procrastinate, when there are so many tasks that overwhelm them—they need to 「loosen-up」 and start with one without considering the others, that is, they should reduce the stress they keep giving themselves in order to take better control on the process of delaying gratification.

2. Responsibility

There are two common conditions: neurosis and character disorder. They both are disorders of responsibility, and as such they are opposite styles of relating to the world and its problems. When neurotics are in conflict with the world they automatically assume that they are at fault. When those with character disorders are in conflict with the world they automatically assume the world is at fault.

Character-disordered parents will often lay the responsibility upon their children:」The only reason I stay married to your father/mother is because of you,」 or 「I could have been a success if it weren』t for having to support you.」 Sounds familiar, right? In such ways these parents in effect say to the children, 「You are responsible for the quality of my marriage, my mental health and my lack of success in life.」 The children will often accept this responsibility, and insofar as they accept it they will become neurotic.

3. Dedication to Reality

The process of active clinging to an outmoded view of reality is the basis for much mental illness. Since a life is constantly changing, a life of continuous and never-ending stringent self-examination, and a life of willingness to be personally challenged, are important to lead to a life of total dedication to the truth.

A black lie is a statement we make that we know is false, while a white lie is a statement we make that is not in itself false but that leaves out a significant part of the truth. A white lie does not make itself any less of a lie or any more excusable.

4. Balancing

Balancing is the discipline that gives us flexibility.

Self-discipline is a self-enlarging process. The pain of giving up is the pain of death, but death of the old is birth of the new. However, you must have something in order to give it up. If you give up winning without ever having win, you are where you were at the beginning: a loser. It』s not possible to skip over the discipline and find an easy shortcut to sainthood.

II Love

Love is the will to use the tools, A.K.A. discipline. Dr. Peck define love thus: The will to extend one』s self for the purpose of nurturing one』s own or another』s spiritual growth.

1. What Love is Not

First, the 「love」 that you 「fall in」 is not love. It』s specifically a sex-linked erotic experience, and is invariably temporary. It』s not an act of will, not an extension of one』s limits or boundaries, and it has little to do with purposively nurturing one』s spiritual development. The misconception that falling in love is a type of love is so potent precisely because the experience of real love also has to do with ego boundaries; it involves an extension of one』s limits. The temporary loss of ego boundaries involved falling in love and in sexual intercourse not only leads us to make commitments to other people from which real love may begin but also gives us a foretaste of the more lasting mystical ecstasy that can be ours after a lifetime of love. Therefore, while falling in love is not itself love, it is a part of the great and mysterious scheme of love.

Second, dependency is not love. It may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of anti-love. It seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys rather than builds relationships, and it destroys rather than builds people.

Third, self-sacrificing is not love. Whenever we think of ourselves as doing something for someone else, we are in some way denying our own responsibility. Whatever we do is done because we choose to do it, and we make that choice because it is the one that satisfies us the most. There is a paradox in that love is both selfish and unselfish at the same time. It』s not the selfishness or unselfishness that distinguishes love from non love; it is the aim of the action. In the case of genuine love the aim is always spiritual growth. In the case of non love the aim is always something else.

Fourth, love is not a feeling. This misconception exists because we confuse cathecting with loving—there are striking differences. First of all we may cathect any object, animate or inanimate, with or without a spirit. Second, the fact that we have cathected another human being does not mean that we care a whit for that person』s spiritual development. Third, the intensity of our cathexes frequently has nothing to do with wisdom or commitment. Finally, our cathexes may be fleeting and momentary.

2. The Risks of Love

There is the risk of loss with the act of love, which requires a moving out against the inertia of laziness or the resistance engendered by fear. When we extend ourselves, our self enters new and unfamiliar territory, that is, we change.

There is also the risk of commitment, which is the foundation, the bedrock of any genuinely loving relationship. Problems of commitment are a major, inherent part of most psychiatric disorders.

There is another risk of exercising power with humility, of which the most common example is the act of loving confrontation. There are two ways to confront another human being: with instinctive and spontaneous certainty that one is right (arrogance), or with a belief that one is probably right arrived at through scrupulous self-doubting and self-examination (humility). Humility is not common, requiring as it does a genuine extension of oneself; it is never destructive. It is Chinese tradition that we have been trained to be humble since we were kids, but to family members, how many times we have been arrogant and shouting?

3. What Love is

Love is disciplined. The feelings are our slaves and the art of self-discipline is like the art of slave-owning. One』s feelings are the source of one』s energy; they provide the power that makes it possible for us to accomplish the tasks of living. If we set them no structure it leads to character disorder, and the opposite side is neurotic. The proper management of one』s feelings lies along a balanced middle path, requiring constant judgement and continuing adjustment.

Love is separateness. Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other but actually seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss.

III Growth and Religion

As people grow in discipline and love and life experience, their understanding of the world grows apart. The understanding is our religion. Everyone has some understanding, some world view, no matter how limited or primitive or inaccurate; everyone has a religion.

We have been replacing the religion or our parents with the religion of science—science is a religion of skepticism. As the theologian Alan Jones has said, everything about us seems secondhand, even our emotions. In many cases we have to rely on secondhand information in order to function. However when it』s about meaning, purpose, and death, second hand information will not do. People cannot survive on a secondhand faith in a second hand God.

On the other hand, some people are able to see only a very narrow area directly in front of them. That is a kind of tunnel vision, a psychologically self-imposed psychological set of blinders which prevents them from turning their attention to the realm of the spirit.

Therefore it becomes a balancing problem again—just as it is essential that our sight not be crippled by scientific tunnel vision, so also is it essential that our critical faculties and capacity for skepticism not be blinded by the brilliant beauty of the spiritual realm.

IV Grace

1. The Miracles

The miracle of health is such an obvious one. Even if we know precisely how, when, where and why an individual develops a particular neurotic symptom or behavior pattern, we don』t know why the neurosis is not more severe. All we can say is that there is a force, the mechanics of which we do not fully understand, that seems to operate routinely in most people to protect and to foster their mental and physical health even under the most adverse conditions.

The miracle of unconscious manifests itself through our dreams. It may also communicate to us when we are awake with as much elegance and beneficence as when we are asleep. If we care to listen, it speaks to us through our behavior. The mind, which sometimes presumes to believe that there is no such thing as a miracle, is itself a miracle.

The miracle of serendipity is a branch of the miracle of unconscious, in my opinion. It is the so-called 「psychic phenomena」, and there is no conceivable explanation yet. Here is one of my own experiences: I mentioned an old friend in a chat one day and came across that friend later that day—I swear I had never brought her name up in any means for at least two years, and she lived 1000 miles away—how did that happen? I still have no clue after reading this book, but now I know I am not alone, and there is nothing to fear in such events. The miracle is both extraordinary and ordinary, and there is a significant number of such occurrences seems to be fortunate.

2. What is Grace

The phenomenon, a powerful force originating outside of human consciousness which nurtures the spiritual growth of human being, has been consistently recognized by the religious, who have applied to it the name of grace.

3. The Paradox

There is a saying of Christ』s 「Many are called but few are chosen」, which is interpreted by the author to mean that very few choose to heed the call of grace because of the difficulties involved. Psychotherapy is only a tool—a discipline. It is up to the patient to choose or reject the tool, and once chosen, it』s the patient who determines how much to use the tool and to what end. While on one level we do choose whether or not to heed the call of grace, on another it seems clear that God is the one who does the choosing.

We don』t resolve the paradox. Perhaps the best we can do is to make ourselves into totally disciplined, wholly loving individuals, then even though we are ignorant of theology, we will have prepared ourselves well for the coming of grace.

For those who have chosen to travel the difficult path of spiritual growth, the awareness of grace can be of considerable assistance in at least three ways: it will help them to take advantage of grace along the way, give them a surer sense of direction, and provide encouragement.

V Other Thoughts

It looks as if spiritual growth were an orderly, predictable process, while it is far from that. I really thought I would be able to more or less avoid pain in my life, but now I understand I cannot achieve higher levels of consciousness or spiritual evolution without suffering. There is no substantial help available along my way, and the journey is nothing like a well-organized PHD program. It is truly a road less traveled.

On parenthood, it is a common scenario that some parents treat their children as their own property—it is not love because it is nothing beneficial on the children』s spiritual growth, and merely improves the parents』 own satisfaction under the guise of love. There is a popular joke 「There is a type of coldness is your-mother-believes-you-feel-cold」. Though genuine love could also lead to this situation, there are quite a lot mother forces their kid to wear more than they need only because that would make themselves relieved.

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life』s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with your they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrow may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer』s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

June 18, 2016

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