【托福寫作批改】23分托福獨立寫作

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

The Internet is as important as other service, such as building roads, so government should make the Internet accessible to all citizens at any cost.

Nowadays, with the remarkable development of the economy and the scientific technology, the Internet is become（becoming） more and more popular and（and鏈接的並列句，在and前一定記得要添加逗號） a great deal of people use the Internet to search information, communication and even work. Some people claims（claim） that the Internet should can be used in everywhere in the country and the government should pay for it to achieve this goal（此處同義替換太辛苦了，建議換成the government should provide Internet access to all citizens no matter how much it may cost）. However, as far as I am concerned, although the Internet is useful, there are other things such as environment protection and education are also important for the country』s development.

Firstly, there is no doubt that Internal can make our daily life and work more efficient and convenience（convenient）,（插入however） it is unnecessary to make the Internet accessible in everywhere because some people may not need it. Although the Internet is wildly spread and people truly can use it to break the limits of time and distance, it is useless for some careers. In some place where still do not have a high education so they might don』t know how to use the internet to get the information they want.(education is not fully developed, Internet is more a luxury than a necessity.) If the government make the internet accessible to all citizens, which means those people in remote mountainous area will also can use the Internet, it may cost a lot of money but actually it is not necessary（result in waste of money and resources）.

Secondly, compared with the spreading the Internet, the environment protect are more important because the environment problem (latter) are gradual (gradually) serious and it is impending for government to do something to improve environment condition.(此處建議斷句，重新另起一句) As we all know, only we have（with） a healthy physical condition that we can（倒裝句，注意語序 can we） work efficient and the terrible environment problem have already have a bad influence on our health（這屬於標準的run-on sentence，切換主語的時候一定要謹慎，此處建議斷開）. Government can spend money in encouraging people to use the green energy to replace the nonrenewable energy sources. For instance, now in China, the government encourage citizens living in countryside to use the solar energy to warm their house (in-door heating) and water and allocate money to help them to build solar panels on the roof to generate electricity (前句有點啰嗦 offer help to those in poverty enjoy the privilege of solar power). People living in the village will no long lack of electricity and they also can sell the surplus electricity to the country, which means that thermal power will be reduce and lessen the air pollution.（reducing the consumption of thermal power and emission） So spending money in protecting environment rather that in spreading the Internet is a meaningful and wise choice.

Finally, education is also play (playing) the most pivotal role in country』s development and it is no exaggeration to state that having a good education is the basic of using the Internal well. (run-on sentence) In some poor village, the students from less well-off backgrounds may can not offed the expensive cost and have to drop out of school to help them parents do some housework or find job to earn money. Because of lacking of professional skills, they might only can do physical labor so it is a kind of waste to making the Internet getable available in that place if the government do not change the bad education situation. Having a good education can help teenagers widen their field of view and let them acquire substantial professional knowledge and skills. They also can learn how to use the Internet to solve the problem they meet in school』s class and learn the skill to discover more interesting things from the Internet by themselves. Hence, the government should pay more money in improve the level of average education before they promote the Internet.

All in all, in the view of the reason I mentioned above, I come to the conclusion that despite the fact that the Internet has made a great difference to our work and life, there are other things like environment protection and education are more necessary to improve. So the government should not spread Internet without consideration.

文章整體還不錯，但是run-on sentence太多了，以及be+Verb的習慣。這兩個問題還挺普遍的，大家都引以為戒。