牛津公派博士小課堂（6）：實例講解雅思8分（寫作篇）

03-07

maggie and sophie: 牛津文科對語言要求很高，總分7.5，小分四個7。正在準備烤鴨的你，也許和曾經的我們一樣充滿疑問：為什麼語句流暢，用詞高級，但達不到7？為什麼學習了很多雅思參考書，認真研讀了雅思官方範文，卻一直在6徘徊？為什麼感覺和官方範文寫得差不多，分數還是一直很低？

已經批改過上百餘篇雅思大小作文，幫助過不少學弟學妹達到理想的分數。先說結論：

千萬不要信奉各類雅思參考書以及官方範文
6分以下上6關鍵是語言
6分以上提分關鍵是內容邏輯論證

這裡就用我們修改的實例，給大家詳細剖析一下如何練就一篇優秀的雅思大作文。

學弟A的5.5分雅思作文（已經本人同意）：

題目：Too much money is spent in maintaining and repairing old buildings, some people think that they should be knocked down and give way to the modem buildings. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

首段：

The government has allocated a big proportion of money on the repair of rickety constructions. Part of the public believe that these buildings should be destroyed in order to make room for those are steadier. Some thinks that the old buildings should be repaired and maintained and I would like to present my views in the following article.

點評：

1. 審題跑偏。習作縮小了問題範圍——開頭段忌諱之一

2. 第一段不開門見山亮出自己的觀點——開頭段忌諱之二

3. 故意用高深的辭彙，比如rickety, 然則用詞不當——雅思寫作忌諱之一

主體段落（第二段）：

It is widely known that many old buildings are protected well today because they have great significance for human beings. These old buildings are the symbols of history and culture. It not only contributes to the researches of the history but also has an important function in educating the next generation. So it is meaningful old buildings

should be allowed to protect well.

點評：

1. 全文次要內容放在前面——雅思寫作忌諱之二。習作的觀點是政府不應該投資保護古老建築，卻將保護古老建築的好處放在第二段。違背英文寫作習慣。

2. 語言chinglish並有語法錯誤——雅思寫作忌諱之三。

主體段落（第三段）：

To commence with, building refining is a money-consuming work as well as constructing. It is widely known that unexpected issues would take place in old buildings even though they are repaired, so that the government needs to constantly pay to fix parts that out of work. However, the amount of money will be sufficient to put up a new building, which can be put into use for a considerable period of time. As a result, to erect a new construction is comparatively more economical for the long run. Furthermore, new type of architecture can refresh a city』s atmosphere while the old ones are mostly out of the date.

點評：

1. 再次出現語法錯誤，用詞不當。

2. 整段論證缺乏邏輯性，想當然。——雅思寫作忌諱之四。如何證明新修的大樓確實比返修舊樓更省錢？

3. 段落內出現不相干內容——雅思寫作忌諱之五。論證段落論點是什麼，整個段落都要圍繞論點來寫，不要寫任何無關論點的內容。

主題段落（第四段）：

On the other hand, the old buildings would jeopardize the life of people who work or live there. A serious drawback of long-used constructions are the safety issue. Many undetected safety hazards would lead to horrible disasters, for instance, fire incident, elevator shut-down and electricity leakage. Also, old building in some earthquake-prone areas has higher risk of falling down compared with those newly built. Making spaces for new architectures can decline this kind of issue in a promising scale.

點評：

1. 出現複數，三單這樣的小語法錯誤。用詞不當。

2. 段落論證沒有條理和層次，顛來倒去說的都是同一個意思——雅思寫作忌諱之六

3. 段落論證缺乏具體詳細的實例來佐證——雅思寫作忌諱之七

總結段落（第五段）：

In conclusion, old buildings need to be repaired in regard of safety problem. However, they should deduct the investment and build up other constructions to save money, which can also make the city appears more modern and our life more convenient.

點評：

1. 語法錯誤，人稱代詞指代不清。

2. 結尾段落沒有簡單明了地總結自己的觀點。——結尾寫作忌諱之一。

3. 結尾段落不但沒有總結自己的論點，反而增添了新的論點——結尾寫作忌諱之二。

經過我批改後的作文：

首段：

Recent years have witnessed a hot debate about whether large amount of government budgets should be spent on maintaining old buildings. Some hold that old architectures, as heritages of cities, should be preserved and repaired. However, from my perspective, outdated buildings should be demolished, which could be money-saving and provide a safer environment for their dwellers.

點評：

1. 開頭段落開門見山，思路清晰——首段必備要素之一。

2. 開頭段總結出全文兩個論點——首段必備要素之二。

3. 語言清晰流暢，沒有語法錯誤，用詞準確。

主體段落（第三段）：

Firstly, repairing and maintaining old constructions is money-consuming. Generally speaking, various aging components of outdated buildings necessitate frequent renovations and repairments, which indicates that the maintaining work is a long-term investment. Moreover, repairing one component, sometimes, may entail an overall renovation. For instance, to stop water leakage of one place may require an overall construction of the pipes. By contrast, demolishing the old one and building a new one, which is economic, would make a smarter choice for the government. A research conducted by the Chinese Economic Society in 2016 can be the best illustration. Over 30% of budgets, according to the research, could be saved whe a new building with the same size and height is established, compared with that spent on repairing and maintaining the old counterpart. Plus, according to the survey, new architectures would always bring about such economic benefits for the government as boosting the housing market. Therefore, maintaining old buildings, which is money-wasting, should not be a prefered choice for the government.

點評：

1. 段落邏輯論證清晰，有條理——雅思寫作必備要素之一

2. 有詳細的實例支撐相關的論點，提高文章的說服力——雅思寫作必備要素之二

3. 全文topic sentence, 和結尾總結句，遙相呼應，段整體很coherent.

4. 語句通順流暢，句式多變。

主體段落（第三段）：

Secondly, maintaining and repairing old buildings fails to erase their latent safety hazards. Simply maintaining and renovations would not accommodate various updated equipment that old buildings demand. Besides, their outdated structures disable the new equipment installation, which, as a result, render the old buildings a piece of fertile soil for accidents and crimes. For instance, due to the lack of updated

firefighting equipment and excellent ventilating facilities, which can barely be solved through mere renovation, old constructions are likely to cause fire accidents, and lead to severe consequences. The statistics from an online survey shows that about 70% of the fire accidents in the past decade in China took place in outdated buildings, 90% of which can be rated as major accidents, causing great loss, injuries and deaths. Moreover, lack of advanced CCTV systems would make these old buildings ideal for committing such crimes as theft and robbery. Thus, renovating and repairing old buildings fails in eliminating possible safety risks for their residents, making their maintaining meaningless.

點評：

1. 具體詳實的例子作證，有說服力

2. 整個段落論證由大及小，由面及點，條理層次清晰。

3. 全文收尾呼應，段落完整統一

4. 論證觀點，符合常理，沒有想當然。

總結段落（第四段）

In conclusion, government, in my view, should demolish old buildings and building modern ones, in that it would be cost-effective and provide a safer dwelling environment for its citizens.

點評：

1. 結尾段落點明要點：觀點+論點，清晰明了——結尾段必備要素

2. 語言流暢，沒有語法錯誤，辭彙，句式多變。

END

對比之前的寫作範例，大家可以發現修改後的文章內容論證條理清晰，有理有據，有說服力，也可以自圓其說。思維層次清楚，語言流暢，句型多變。要寫成一篇優秀的雅思作文，光是積累句型，辭彙是不夠的。更需要建立起清晰的邏輯論證思維。如果說想從5.5 分突破到6分，重點在語言上；那麼6分以上的同學，分數有所突破必須在邏輯論證上下功夫。而邏輯論證的缺陷往往是最不容易自知的。因此，在我看來，雅思作文練習的過程中很有必要有一個批改——反饋——體悟的過程。這樣才能真正發現自己的問題所在，並不斷改進。閉門造車練習寫作往往適得其反。