為什麼語法沒錯，但是給編輯修改後卻面目全非

Me留學的王牌服務就是美國編輯主筆的文書修改服務。編輯不僅僅是修改語法用詞錯誤，最大的本領是妙筆生花，將文章的邏輯結構與情感表達提升一個檔次。

很多同學拿到文章的最大反應是：文章看上去被改得想調色板一樣，我的文書真的寫得那麼差么？

Me留學單次修改文書案例

Me留學單次修改文書案例

其實不然，很多同學的文書沒有語法錯誤，只是表達得不夠好而已。

以多次互動修改服務為例，在和編輯充分溝通後，編輯的修改可以說是大刀闊斧，為了表達好申請者的意思，語言上可以說是下了很大的功夫。

申請案例1

【跨專業申請時，通過修改來增強動機情感表達和語言精鍊程度】

原版： Because real estate was not my major when at college, often time I feel that I am in lack of relevant knowledge of the industry, such as how a residential real estate project evolves during different states of its life cycle. Because a real estate project can involve different shareholders (governments, contractors, architects, bank, etc.), it is also crucially important to systematically understand the functionalities and responsibilities for each of them, so that I could have a clearer big picture of the entire project. Gradually, I found that lacking those knowledge has become an obstacle for me to grow further and to better serve my clients. Over the past two years, I have been focusing on the residential sector of the industry and have gained a lot of experience on it, but I am also quite interested in other sectors of this industry, such as commercial and industrial ones, and would like to explore those areas as well.

原文是跨專業申請時常常會用到的寫法，筆者原來表達：房地產並非自己的本科專業，然而自己在房地產領域實踐了2年，在實踐中覺得自己缺乏系統的學習。在開頭回答學校PS題目里的——為什麼要進行研究生學習。 於是，筆者開始羅里吧嗦地把每個環節鏈補充清楚。

修改版本則是在開頭簡單介紹了自己在畢業後，直接進入了房地產領域，然後用簡單有力的話語來表達為什麼要進入房地產領域。

修改版本 While maturing into a skilled agent and assistant manager, I grew keenly aware of the skills I lack to see the bigger picture of the real estate industry. Therefore, I am applying for the Dollinger Master of Real Estate Development program at XX University。

修改版本在開頭很直接簡單地把自己的申請動機三言兩語表達到位。然後進入經歷描述，去Support自己有能力學習這個論點。在接下來的這個片段，筆者才開始去描述自己在售房經歷中具體碰到的困難和思考的心路歷程。

申請案例2

第二個例子，學生常常會寫到家庭背景對自己學術發展的影響，但是同樣也會有過於拖沓而沒有切到點子上的問題，導致很多人理解錯了意思，認為寫家庭背景對於申請文書來說是多餘的一筆。

寫得好的家庭背景，其實是很好的學科興趣起源理由，充分、有理有據，而且海外高校其實是很看重the world you come from, for example, your family, your club, school, city or town。寫得不好，才容易變成模版套路，讓人無法感受真情實感，覺得是模版產物。

原文 Growing up a daughter always aspires to be like their mother, especially when your mom is as inspirational as mine was to me. My mother was a doctor – and the one story that stuck out for me as a child was when she helped deliver a baby on the road in a traffic jam. I wanted to grow up to be just like her.

So, when I was very young and very much adored animals, I decided I wanted to grow up and become a vet – much like my mother. I continued to go through the process; volunteering at animal shelters and finding work experience at veterinary clinics in order to get into university for veterinary science. I wanted to help others just like my mother, even though it was animals rather than humans I would be helping.

作者表達已經很流暢到位了，但是如何精益求精，讓文章看上去更加幹練和精華呢？在和原作者溝通後，編輯為了讓文章更加直抒胸臆地表達學科選擇動機，把原文縮成了：

修改版本 Daughters often aspire to be like their mothers. My mother even helped deliver a baby on the side of the road, in the middle of a traffic jam. However, in being exposed to existential and epistemological issues in physics, I became captivated by subatomic particles yet to be found and undiscovered cures for our worst diseases. Thus, I was torn between following in my mother』s footsteps and investigating the biggest mysteries of our time.

舉了幾個簡單的例子，都不難看出，編輯們在修改的時候語言精練程度做到了極致。因為申請者的英語並非母語，在表達意思的時候，最常出現的就是冗長，以確保自己把意思表達完整，這就是為什麼，文章看起來又長又臭。其次就是詞庫有限，找不到精簡的句子，於是把能用單詞表達的，寫成了用短語表達，甚至句子表達。

【版權聲明】

原文發表於Me留學官網與公眾號：DIY留學小站，圖片來自網路，未經許可均不允許轉載。

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