China』s lost gay generation

Gao Xingz

第七屆中國彩虹媒體獎最佳視頻影像類

"I thought I was a social outcast.

But that changed one night in 1989."

Ashan

Living parallel lives,

One, conforming to society in public.

The other, a secret in his heart.

Now in his 60s, he is part of China』s lost gay generation.

I

It wasn』t just love, it was also an awakening.

「On

one night in 1989, the sky had a violet hue. I didn』t realize at first,

but I was walking around a popular cruising spot. A young man came up

to me, his face tender as the deep velvet night.

"He

glanced at me and our eyes met, it was as if we shared a common

heartbeat. He asked my phone number. I gave it to him, and he gave me

his. Thinking about it, we were pretty brave. That year, I was 35, and

he was 25. Secretly, we had an emotional bond. After I met him, I knew

one thing for sure. I was gay, and so was he.

"One

year later, it was all over. He was going to marry a woman. There was

nothing I could do. But I knew that our love would live on, in my

memories.」

Ashan falls silent, his face reddening.

In

the early 21st century, the Internet boom provided gay men and women

with new ways of reaching out to the gay community, leading to a decline

in cruising spots.

In

1993, Ashan left Beijing for Guangzhou. He met several men through the

Internet, but he didn』t find love. Now he is 63, he is still single and

lives on his own.

「The

days on my own were free but lonely. In 2014, I retired. I joined a

voluntary organization in Guangzhou called PFLAG China, a group that

provides services and information to the LGBT community along with their

families and friends. In 2014, I took on a project to gather the oral

history of Guangzhou』s older gay population, looking at men aged 60 to

90.

"I

hope with the records I make, people can better understand the recent

history of the LGBT community, and their stories can inspire younger

generations. Because life influences life, we are connected, blood by

blood. Through recording these stories, I was not just hearing the story

of a single person. This was what struck me most about the power of

oral history.」

In

June 2014, the first oral history work of older Chinese gay generations

was written by Dr. Jiang Shaoqi, an associate professor of sociology at

the University of Hong Kong. According to Ashan, in mainland cities

like Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou, some LGBT groups have also

produced works of oral history. But Ashan is the first to begin a study

focused on older gay generations in the Chinese mainland.

II

「The life that we want」

Reflecting on the uncertainty of his adolescence, Ashan recalls:

「I

had feelings for other boys at the age of six. I didn』t know why I felt

that way, there was no information I could find about it. Later on I

read a book, which defined it as perverted.

I

never dated a girl until I was 28, after I finished my post-graduate

studies and worked in Beijing. Some colleagues introduced girls to me. I

thought it was right to find a woman to marry and settle down. I just

felt that that was what everyone should do.

However,

while making friends with girls was nice, having affection for them was

beyond me. I still want to spend my life with someone I truly love.

Many

older gay men said, if society was more tolerant, they would』t have had

to marry women. But they did, and the pain that caused lived on

forever.」

In human history, acknowledgement and acceptance of the LGBT population has been a painstaking process:

In

the 1950s and 60s, homosexuality was criminalized and regarded as a

mental illness in many countries, including the UK, US and Germany.

In 1990, the World Health Organization (WHO) removed homosexuality from their list of mental disorders.

In

1997, in the modified 『Criminal Law』, China deleted an item that

regarded homosexuality as 「hooliganism,」 marking its decriminalization

in China.

In

April, 2001, the CCMD-III (Chinese Classification and Diagnosis of

Mental Diseases – third edition) removed homosexuality from its list of

mental illnesses.

In

2012, WHO clarified that homosexuality is not an illness and that is a

natural and non-pathological variation of human sexuality. It has also

made clear that sexual orientation cannot be changed. Attempts to

forcibly change the sexual orientation of lesbian, gay and bisexual

persons are ineffective, harmful and may amount to torture.

According

to Pew Research Center, as of 2017, gay marriage is recognized in 23

countries worldwide. However, based on statistics reported by BBC, at

least 76 countries still treat homosexuality as a crime, most of which

are distributed in Africa, the Middle East and South Asia.

According

to gay dating app Blued, there were around 69 million homosexuals in

China in 2015, accounting for five percent of the total population. With

China』s aging society, the LGBT population is worried about who will

care for them in old age, especially single gay and elderly people like

Ashan.

「There

will be more and more people who rely on society to support them in

their old age. For members of the LGBT community, there is a common

concern that staff in care homes will not treat them so well after

knowing their sexualities. So some friends have suggested establishing a

residential home just for LGBT people. But personally, I don』t think

it』s appropriate to isolate the LGBT community from society. I still

hope I can find a person I love, and that we can accompany each other.

But it』s hard to know. So I hope I can participate in more social

activities when I have the chance, to really live my life.」

Ashan

always wears a smile. He loves to be with his friends, photographing,

traveling, seeing movies, watching the classical dramas… As the years

have passed, he keeps a heart that is young and at ease.

Now aged 63, Ashan has a whole life to look back on.

He considers what could have been.

「If I could live again ——

I wish we could discuss the problems we had without fear.

I wish we could get a foot in the door of society.

Every man is an independent individual.

Each has his troubles and problems to overcome.

We respect ourselves, and also respect others.

I wish that, without restraint,

We could all pursue the life that we want.」

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