牛津博士實例講解留學申請文書寫作（一）：SOP/PS/SOI

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上篇文章，我詳細闡述了SOP/PS/SOI應該如何修改，於是很多小夥伴私信問我最終成功的文書到底長得啥樣？

首先我反對並抵制留學文書代寫，是對自身申請完全不負責任的行為。

首先感謝以上所有回答。

在牛津大學系招生辦兼職半年時間積累了一些識別優秀/劣質文書的能力。利用這點優勢，今天用我修改的實例詳細剖析一下一篇優秀的文書到底應該具備哪些因素。

話不多說，直接上乾貨（為防止被機構/個人肆意盜用，不提供具體修改過程）：

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去年某學弟申請IC engineering初稿SOP（已經本人同意），我們來分段解析：

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首段：

As a person who has harbored the dream of going abroad since entering the university, I didnt have quite a clear mind of where I should go and why I must do this. I just wonder what the world outside looks like and will that kind of life be very different?

評價：

1. 雖然沒有太多語法錯誤，但全是baby language
2. 使用疑問形式發問，是文書忌諱之一
3. 完全看不出筆者的purpose和goal，是開頭段忌諱之一
4. 完全看不出筆者的motivation，是開頭段忌諱之二

主體部分（第二段）：

I take the view that one thing my parents have passed on to me is the faith that a person should focus his/her attention and passion on one thing to be outstanding at a profession. This explains the reason why I devoted myself wholly and thoroughly to studying every subject. And I am very proud to say that my perspirations were perfectly paid off for I got gratifying scores on these subjects. For instance, I got 96% on A, 91% on B, 87% on C, and also an 87% on D. Whats more, I was the project host of D, which has now passed the national project approval, and is one of the only two national academic projects. I got very much inspired by the contents illustrated by the knowledgeable professors and lecturers in my studies, and yielded plenty of thoughts and ideas, so I wrote a number of dissertations toconvey them. Among which are the published ones such as E; F; G and H.

評價：

1. 充斥大量語法錯誤，不恰當辭彙和baby language，句型混亂
2. 整段都在陳述經歷和背景，重複CV中的內容，是文書忌諱之二
3. 申請master/PH.D.將學習成績作為自身能力的證明，是文書忌諱之三
4. 將父母作為motivation和inspiration，非常不具說服力

主體部分（第三段）：

During the first and second year at college, I spent all the time merely on study and got no idea what doing research means. While In the third year, I happened to meet a professor in my department, who latterly became the most influential person on my way of studying abroad. I was asked to do some simple experiments in hydrogen storage materials. After doing much initial work in this field, we got a chance to apply for a provincial-level research project. We worked so hard on preparing the application. During this process, I gradually grew interested in this study field, which, in my mind, may change the whole social energy system in the future. We finally applied for the project successfully and I was selected to be the team leader in the research group. We worked on that project for nearly one year. Though the work was simple, it is totally original and we got some creative results when the project ended. The most important is that I got obsessed in asking questions and coming up with new ideas. Especially when some obstacles were overcome, I felt greatlyaccomplished. That was the feeling Ive never had before. When my professor Jiang recommended me to pursue a PhD program in University of Tennessee-Knoxville, I was more than excited at first, while after considerable thinking, I finally refused his recommendation kindly. For one thing, I know Im still not ready. For another, I firmly believe Im more than that.

評價：

1. 將diligence作為能力，是文書忌諱之四
2. 將自己的weakpoints在文書中展示/描述負面內容，是文書忌諱之五
3. 對於interest/research experience/internship等問題的闡述時，僅僅陳列過程，體會，收穫，而沒有solid evidence支撐，是文書忌諱之首！
4. 通過空話「吹出」ability/skills，是文書忌諱之六
5. 通過對比對方的弱勢，來顯示自己的優勢，是文書忌諱之七

主體部分（第四段）：

I came to XX in 2012 to get more research experience. Additionally, unlike my former university, it is much easier to find people harboring the same dream as me. My study field in SJTU, without question, is still XX. During the last nearly 2 years here, I met many obstacles in both life and research. Im always at wits end and cannot find a reason to further my research, let alone to study abroad. While I was always telling myself 「That』s alright, just keep calm and carry on.」I got through those valleys, and now I have three papers published in a prestigious journal of my field as the first, third and fourth author, respectively. More importantly, I realize what I boast in scientific research now is more than interest. I just enjoy coming up with creative ideas and making breakthroughs in the hydrogen materials or technology. Maybe, one day I will truly change the worldly energy system and make some real differences for the world. Who knows?

評價：

1. 再次出現對比問題
2. 對於戰勝困難的能力體現嚴重不足
3. 再次出現疑問/反問式句型
4. 對於long-term和short-term goal沒有具象化，全是抽象描述

結尾段

Then why study in UK? As many may wonder. Well, it is a long story to tell but I』d like to make things shorter. I have received the idea of developing myself as a whole person since at very young age. So, from the first year of my university life on I have traveled to many countries, such as the UK, Holland and other parts in Europe, to see the big world. During my trips, I met and talked with countless western people, felt

various great cultures and I was deeply touched by English education when in the UK. I was being enormously amazed by how different it can be between China and the West in terms of perspectives of education. I thirsted for owning a chance to experience different academic cultures. Coincidentally my sister is also studying in UK and from her I heard about many beautiful elements of this grand metropolis. I am longing for witnessing the A, B, C and D. From the deep bottom of my heart, dear UK, please take me, like a gracious teacher takes a thirst-for-learning student. I shall be all prepared to dance on this splendid international stage!

評價：

1. 大量重複繁冗內容陳述對所申請國家的嚮往，是結尾段忌諱之一
2. 對比中外教育， 是結尾段忌諱之二
3. 以認識朋友/教授/家人為申請理由是結尾段忌諱之三
4. 懇求語氣/比心跪求對方錄取是結尾段忌之四

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經過我四輪修改之後的網申稿：

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首段：

Apart from the fancy energy self-sufficient world dipicted in science fictions, I hold the belief that building a novel energy-based society is achievable in the foreseeable future. In recent years, scientific breakthroughs have contributed to hydrogen fuel cell vehicles, solar powered mobile phones and direct thermal-to-electrical energy conversion systems, which were all beyond our imagination decades ago. Since fiction is metamorphosing into reality swiftly, with the hope that I could fully participate in this transformation, I initiated my journey into the exploration of energy materials at XX University. My long-term goal is to become an expert in energy field, especially energy harvesting, storage and conversion.

評價：

1. 語言流暢，思路清晰，辭彙適當，grammar error free
2. 用實例引出自己的motivation,是首段必備要素之一
3. 簡潔但清晰陳述goal，是首段必備要素之二

主體部分（第二段）：

My excellent performance in major courses won me the very first opportunity to be part of a province-level research project, which focused on A. Motivated by the possibilities of this undertaking, I fully immersed myself in. I spent literally the entire day conducting experiments via different testing apparatuses and running various preparation and characterization methods. The valuable research experience enlightened me that besides precision required in sample preparation and property characterization, the beauty of research lies in the mechanism revelation. I also had a first bite of novel energy storage field, especially A, which plays a critical role in the full implementation of B.

評價：

1. 主體部分直接過渡到first academic experience，無trash內容
2. 用solid evidence支撐interest/research experience/internship，是文書必備要素之首
3. 用first academic experience中的inspiration作為motivation自然過渡到 next academic experience

主體部分（第三段）：

Desired to level up my expertise in certain field, I pursued graduate studies in an advanced XX research lab at XX University. As a research assistant, I seized every opportunity to enhance my research capability. When the A apparatus was introduced into our lab, I volunteered to assemble and manage the equipment, which afforded me a clear view of its mechanisms. Therefore, when the group encountered issues related to the morphology of particles produced by the apparatus, I proposed to alter the reaction current and inner atmosphere, which significantly improved the sample quality. Meanwhile, during the A analysis of B, I observed a general left-shifting of peaks in the C, which was ignored in the weekly reports. Similar results after repeated experiments prompted me to rule out instrument errors as the cause. After a careful lattice constant calculation, I confirmed that this unnoticeable shifting was caused by the D. My critical thinking and rigorous attitude strengthened my competence, and I was given the go signal to start my independent research.

評價：

1. 通過solid evidence證明abilities/skills，是文書必備要素之一
2. 通過solid evidence證明abilities/skills來solve specific problems,是文書必備要素之二
3. 通過solid evidence證明abilities/skills給自己/團隊/課題組 bring concrete benefits，是文書必備要素之三
4. abilities/skills中強調一下「overcome obstacles」這一塊，是文書必備要素之四
5. 再次利用former experience中的accomplishment作為motivation自然過渡到 next academic experience

主體部分（第四段）：

To convince my supervisor of the feasibility of choosing XX as my research topic, I spent two months preparing a comprehensive research proposal. After I commenced my experiments, everything went smoothly until an A emerged during the B and blocked the C. For two weeks, this puzzle lingered. I consulted with several professors and carefully studied their suggestions. As I had developed the habit of documenting my ideas immediately, I reviewed every note until I realized that the unknown D actually originated from E. The relationship was later proved through a simulation and presented in a published paper (I was first author). This discovery, which was the deciding factor in the quality of my independent research, has shown that persistence in thinking and refusal to surrender to challenges are the keys to success. Emboldened by my accomplishment, I continued my independent research on the E, a key point in its application. After successfully achieving F, as first author, I submitted another original paper.

評價：

1. 同樣，對於另外一段academic experience, 使用了solid evidenceabilities/skills如何solve specific problems, 且bring concrete benefits
2. 對於第三段acadmeic experience, 簡單帶過，作為supporting information
3. paper/design/books等是作為achievement最直接的證明，但不需要列出具體信息（如paper名等）

結尾段

The Department of X at X has long been dedicated to developing innovative solutions to the world』s most pressing challenges in X fields. Your professors and students are committed to looking for possible sources of alternative energy while making current ones more sustainable, an endeavor that parallels my vision. There are over eight prominent professors who stay at the forefront of studying A, B and C. Working with them would equip me with both subject-specific knowledge and integrative understanding across a variety of energy issues. In addition, X』s research centers, especially the A, promote energy innovations by providing university-wide interdisciplinary research and national or international collaborations. Therefore, I will have more access to academic exchanges and cross-university facilities to maximize my success. I believe that with my previous excellent research background, which proved me a broadly educated and highly adaptable person, I am a promising candidate for your esteemed program.

評價：

1. program/department的goal如何與personal goal相match，是結尾段必備因素之一
2. 羅列並評價哪些prof/course/subjects讓你剛興趣，是結尾段必備因素之二
3. 羅列並評價其他讓你動心的resources，是結尾段必備因素之三
4. 這些prof/course/subject/resources如何助力你的long and short term goals，是結尾段必備因素之四
5. 結尾一句話總結全文，表明申請意圖，不卑不亢，完美收官。

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對比初稿和網申稿，除了語言，句型的深入優化潤色，結構大幅度調整後的連貫性邏輯性提升，最重要的從內容的篩選和亮點提煉上有質的突破。這些單一靠修改者是無法做到，因此我一直強文書代寫的危害！

簡而言之，一篇優秀的文書出自筆者和修改者的全程互動和筆者的100%參與。

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