精神分裂形態的我

對照 青春型分裂症_百度百科 高中時候的我竟然完全符合

聯想障礙。吃飯的時候，總是一個人躲到一個角落裡，省得被別人看見。腦子裡翻來覆去想的是，我不屬於這裡，我怎麼還在這裡，為什麼我這麼失敗，為什麼我連退學都能失敗，這究竟是為什麼，為什麼，為什麼。

邏輯進程障礙。想不明白為什麼有這麼多巧合，就歸結於存在神秘的力量讓這一切發生。需要一個人靜一靜，才會告訴自己，不存在神秘的力量，只要觀察的夠細，巧合的範圍放的夠寬，強行找巧合總是能找到無數巧合，只有極少數是真正有聯繫的，而這些聯繫我們可能永遠都不會發現。

妄想。極其恐懼big brother，張口就是big brother is watching you。認為天下老大哥是一家。想變成無國籍的，然後逃到沒人能找到我的地方，自殺。沒錯，一定要在三十歲之前。

情感障礙。碰到任何不是預先知道會發生的事，不是傻掉就是直接爆炸。

意志行為障礙。比如，整理桌子上的書都能猶豫好半天。

幻覺豐富。看牆上的地磚上不規則的圖形，覺得是人和小動物的形象，特別害怕。吃飯大部分時候都避開其他人，省得被人看到我就只吃白米飯，甚至有時候只吃白米飯，都吃出甜味來，導致抗拒吃飯。

自我意識障礙。在平地上走路一天都能絆好幾下。摔了一跤之後，有一個大約 1.5cm x 1cm 的傷口，然而完全感覺不到疼痛。

注意力渙散。比如物理考試做個50來分的題就做不下去，大腦一片空白，可是考試結束過幾個小時再來看，明明能做個70幾分的。這是高考連三本線都上不了的節奏了。

極其抗拒理髮，也出現了啊。

今年諮詢了專業醫生的意見後，醫生的說法是按當時的情況，即便按現在的標準，也是建議立即住院接受治療的。當時那個狀況自己都感到害怕。感覺自己行為幼稚的像個八歲小朋友。而摔了一跤之後，因為學校在山溝溝里，離市區醫院來回有好幾個小時。等傷口好了，不用再每天往返醫院了，我發現上述癥狀竟然不是消失了就是大大減輕了，對日常生活不構成太大問題了。

一直不敢回憶那段時候的狀況，當時身體健康狀況明明是挺好的，人卻表現的跟腦殘一樣。然而好像什麼都沒發生，我怎麼就又突然好了。這究竟是為什麼呢？

然後我想到好像有一個著名人物，曾經精神分裂，後來放棄治療之後，單純只是通過獨處就自然恢復了。找了一下，買了本書，A Biography of John Forbes Nash, Jr., Winner of the Nobel Prize in Economics, 1994》 Sylvia Nasar 完蛋了，成長經歷，周圍環境，時代，完全不同，但是在別人眼裡，竟然是一樣的，幾乎毫無分別，特別是小時候的情況，即Blue Field那一章

He was a singular little boy, solitary and introverted

But by the time Johnny was seven or eight, his aunts had come to consider him bookish and slightly odd. While Martha and her cousins rode stick horses, cut paper dolls out of old pattern books, and played house and hide-and-seek in the "almost scary but nice" attic, Johnny could always be found in the parlor with his nose buried in a book or magazine. At home, despite his mothers urgings, he ignored the neighborhood children, preferring to stay indoors alone. His sister spent most of her free time at the pool or playing football and kick ball or taking part in crabapple battles with long, flimsy sticks. But Johnny played by himself with toy airplanes and Matchbox cars.

At school, Johnnys immaturity and social awkwardness were initially more apparent than any special intellectual gifts. His teachers labeled him an underachiever.

He gripped his pencil like a stick, his handwriting was atrocious, and he was somewhat inclined to use his left hand.

The earliest hint of Johnnys mathematical talent, ironically, was a B-minus in fourth-grade arithmetic. The teacher told Virginia that Johnny couldnt do the work, but it was obvious to his mother that he had merely found his own ways of solving problems.

因為弱智被要求去查智商，結果檢查卻說智商在正常範圍。

For Nash, proving a theorem known as Fermats Theorem about prime numbers, those mysterious integers that have no divisor besides themselves and one, produced an epiphany of sorts.

Nash does not describe his feelings when he succeeded in devising a proof for Fermats assertion that if n is any whole number and p any prime, then n multiplied by itself p times minus n is divisible by p.

我一直很不能理解，小學奧數像我這種弱智都能輕鬆做出來，是如何提高曾加的思維能力，還有輪子哥的自學能力的？

如何評價清華附中校長王殿軍叫停女兒奧數？

微軟這麼受人尊敬是不是因為他給了很多差生以希望？

而且，我們學的好像不是同一個奧數，為啥我記得，我做的好多都是這種題 ...

Pouring Water證明

John wouldnt move. He would stare at the formula on the board, then stand up politely and tell us the answer. He could do it all in his head. He never even took out a pencil or a piece of paper.

小時候經常被人吐槽做題沒有具體步驟。可是不知道怎麼解釋，在我看來，那明明就是一步啊。

瘋掉時候的想法也沒多大差別了。除了John Forbes Nash Jr是成功人士，想著拯救世界，我就只想自殺。我還能說什麼呢。

所以，他是跳過了中學所以才沒有在那時就精神分裂。而他兒子就沒那麼幸運了。

結論，AS只要完全沒有獨處時間，要不了幾年就會進入這種狀態，最後被當成精神分裂處理掉。儘管事實上，只需要獨處足夠長時間就可以自然恢復。

最後，三十歲之前自殺也是我先提出的，怎麼就成了勃學了 ...