Common Sense Not So Common for Foreigners - 英文版

02-08

我發表這篇文章是因為好多學英語的朋友最近問我可不可以發雙語的文章。要查看中文版本，請單擊此鏈接：中國人的常識有時候與外國人的常識正好相反！

I think when

foreigners come to China, the most important aspects of common sense they

should become familiar with is the system of Chinese etiquette, and the various

subsets, such as keqi and politeness. Many behaviours can be misinterpreted by

foreigners as either annoying or impolite (even very rude!) unless the

foreigner understands the underlying motivation of the behaviour. If not, the

foreigner will likely develop a negative impression of the locals through their

interaction, and will prefer not to integrate. On the other hand, if the

foreigner can try to understand deeply, he or she will find the locals to be

extremely friendly, hospitable people. I』d like to share several examples to

illustrate the risk of misunderstandings in cross-cultural situations.

Different roots, different rules

Firstly, behaviours

which can be considered either polite or rude are very different in different

cultures. The rules of etiquette of any culture are based on conventions that

evolve with the culture. Cultures with different historical circumstances will

obviously evolve different rules of etiquette. Some rules won』t make any sense

at all to members of a different culture, and some behaviours considered

correct in one culture will be considered extremely rude in another. Furthermore,

for many of the rules, it is common that we know and follow them, without

actually knowing why. As an example, when I was growing up, I was taught that I

must remove my hat any time I go inside. My mother was very strict about this

with me, but not my sister. Girls (and women), for some reason, are allowed to

wear hats indoors, but not boys. My mom had no idea why she enforced this rule,

she just did. So did my elementary school. It turns out, historically, men』s

formal hats were very tall, so anyone sitting behind you couldn』t see in front

of you. Women』s hats were shorter, very complicated, and very hard to take off.

Men could easily remove their hats at the theatre, but women could not. It

therefore became acceptable for women to wear hats indoors, but not men. My

mother had no idea about this, she just taught me its rude for boys to wear

hats indoors.

I swear, I am not being 「客氣」!

The concept of 「keqi」

was difficult for me to understand. I still don』t fully understand it, but here

is what it feels like to me: 「behaviours that you would expect from a guest, but not a close friend or family member.」 When someone says 「biekeqi,」 I feel it means 「don』t act like a guest or a stranger.」 When I first came to China, one thing that really, really annoyed me was having dinner with family members. When I felt full, I would stop eating. Everyone would try to make me eat more, tell me 「別客氣, 多吃點」 etc. I would say 「no thanks, I am full.」 Grandma would then use her chopsticks and put another chicken leg in my bowl. I always got really annoyed because no one would listen to me when I say I am full, and I ESPECIALLY hated when people put food in my bowl. In my culture, if you say you』re full, everyone usually says, 「ok.」 No one would ever, ever, ever insist that much and add food to my plate. My wife

helped me to understand their understanding of my behaviours, and their motivations. I realized that to them, it looked like I was being shy, not freely eating as much as I normally would, in other words, acting like a guest. They just wanted me to feel comfortable, and of course, full! Now that I understand, I also know how to tell people I am full in a way they will truly believe is not just being 客氣.

I swear, I didn』t know it was rude!

My relationships with family and others have improved a lot over the years, but my father still has a really difficult time when he comes to visit me. I remember the first time he met my in-laws. I had been in China for over four years at the time, and he

came to attend my wedding ceremony here. I invited my in-laws to my home for dinner. At around 5:00 pm, I was cooking, and my father was relaxing on the sofa with a cold beer. I heard a knock at the door, and I ran to the door. I opened it enthusiastically, and basically said 「ayi, shushu, come in! Come in! Here, let me get you some slippers, let me take your bag, come, come, sit here, sit here. Ayi, let me pour you some water, shushu, would you like a coffee, and so on. All the things that a respectful future son-in-law should say and do in China. Then I looked at my father, and I became super anxious. He didn』t even stand up! I said 「Dad! Stand up! Stand up!!」 He looked at me with a confused face, and said 「Why?」 Suddenly I realized that from his perspective, meeting my future parents-in-law was not really a very formal event, and there is no need to stand up at all! My future in-laws looked a little confused, so I told them my father』s back hurt from 12 hours on the airplane. I don』t think they believed me. Later, my dad said to me: 「Why don』t you treat me that nicely when I come through your door?」

You never said that!

Another aspect of Chinese politeness is indirect communication. In many cultures, indirect communication is not very common, or only used in certain situations. After

many years, I』ve learned that in China, in many situations, it is much more appropriate to communicate indirectly, and let the other person use other cues and signals to understand your meaning. In English, we would call this 「reading between the lines.」 For instance, about six months after I first arrived, my girlfriend (now wife) asked me to go to the train station and pick up her mother, because she had two heavy bags. When I arrived, I sent her a text message in simple Chinese stating I was waiting with a 黑車 near the east exit. I saw her emerge from the exit with the bags, and I walked up and said 「Ayi, can I help you?」 Of course, she said, 「no, no, no, it』s ok. I』ve got it.」 I said, 「Okay, the car is over here.」 We walked to the car, and drove home in complete silence. She didn』t talk to me for two weeks. Finally I asked my girlfriend what the hell was wrong with her, and she said her mother was upset because I didn』t take her bags at the train station. I replied 「wait a minute! I asked! She said no!」 My girlfriend called me an idiot, and explained that sometimes,

「no」 means 「try harder」 and that the true meaning of her words and actions depends on a lot of factors. I』m her future son-in-law, and no matter what she says, I should carry the damn bags! The next time I picked her up, I fought and fought and fought, and finally I won the chance to carry her bags. She was so proud of me. If I did that to someone in Canada, they would hit me!

How to get along

So remember, a lot of the behaviours of foreigners can be misunderstood by Chinese people as keqi behaviours, and then their responses or reactions will be frustrating and annoying to the foreigner, unless he or she understands the locals』 rules are different and motivations are based on kindness. In addition, many foreigners really can』t understand indirect styles of communication, and require directness. Here』s the bottom line: to reduce the risk of problems in cross-culture situations like relationships or business, both sides have to realize that what is correct and polite from your perspective might be completely wrong and rude from another perspective.

謝謝你的閱讀，我希望你喜歡這份材料!

wechat: weixinhaogaikefu (Daniel Mulroy 2)

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