Steam遊戲趣評

看有趣的測評，主要是看文字，為了版面整潔、方便手機觀看、避免出現他人ID我就不上圖了，純手打上傳。先上個人喜愛的遊戲，然後是熱門遊戲，最後是其他遊戲。

• Alien: Isolation(異形：隔離)

- Throw a noise grenade

- Hit the wall

- Bounce back to me

- Alien are swarming around with their creepy sound

- ALT+F4

- 扔了個噪音手雷（註：吸引或分散敵人注意力用）

- 一不小心扔到牆上

- 它又彈到我身上

- 異形立馬察覺到異常，自帶嚇尿的BGM朝我襲來

- ALT+ F4

I went to a room, saw an alien and learner how to uninstall a game very fast, repeat 5X. I learned how to uninstall steam and destroy my PC,

10/10 very educational!

遊戲中我無意闖進一小屋，看到了異形。

然後異形教會了我如何一鍵卸載遊戲，如此反覆5次後，我懂得了卸載Steam、毀掉電腦的正確方法。

電腦教學滿分！

Sat in a corner for ages, finally moved, saw the Alien and

ALT+ F4.

Will try again when drunk.

躲在角落裡慫大半天了，最後終於鼓起勇氣走兩步，出門就看到異形，瞬間高潮。

立馬 ALT + F4.

下次喝醉壯壯膽再玩吧。

Never get caught in this game. Every time the Alien see me, I just ALT + F4.

從來沒被逮到過，因為每次被異形發現後，我直接 ALT + F4 , 機智如我。

Well... I have to wear a diaper because I am ??????? myself constantly. This says everything?? I also love the Outlast, Dead Space, etc.

10/10

OK, I have to change my diaper again, bye. -.-

讓人家怎麼說呢（尷尬ing），我每次玩都得塞一片尿不濕進去，因為人家經常被嚇出翔！這總能證明點什麼吧？ 我平時也玩逃生，死亡空間等恐怖遊戲，異形我給滿分。

就這樣吧，該換尿不濕了。-.-

Move from under one table to another Simulator.

遊戲名稱，異形：「桌」迷藏 Or 異形： 拱桌底

I pooped my pants.

我都嚇得一灘熱翔在內褲。

I WAS suffering from constipation.

"WAS"

10/10 would poop pants again.

我曾飽受便秘之苦。

多虧異形，我下次還會玩

大便通暢的感覺真好。

Had to buy so many new pairs of pants I couldve bought five copies of the game.

10/10.

要不是因為錢都砸在買內褲上了，我還能再買5份遊戲。滿分。

Finished Outlast.

Finished Amnesia.

Finished Slender without blinking.

Scared ????less to the point where I cant finish Alien Isolation.

Brown Pants/10 would never play it in the dark again.

想當年，勞資

速通逃生，

秒過失憶症，

談笑間通瘦長鬼影，

然而卻卡在異形隔離這兒，嚇爆翔

我以屎色的內褲發誓，再也不敢關燈裝逼了。。

In space, no one can hear you scream.

My neighbours can, however, and have made several noise complaints.

在太空中，沒人能聽到你的叫喊（異形的經典影評）。

然而我的鄰居能聽見我的鬼哭狼嚎，就差報警了。

Hide. Run. Hide. Run. Distract. Shit yourself. Repeat. One of the best games Ive player so far (and finished) and the best Alien game ever made.

躲，跑路，嚇出翔；再躲，繼續跑，又一身翔，整個遊戲如此往複。這是我目前玩過最棒的異形主題遊戲。

• The Talos Principal (塔洛斯原理)

（顛覆你世界觀、人生觀、價值觀的燒腦解謎遊戲，類Portal 2）

If you like Portal, you will like this game!

If you study philosophy, you will like this game!

If you study math, you will like this game!

If you study religion, you will like this game!

If you study physics, you will like this game!

....

If you play CoD, you will die. Slowly.

如果你喜歡傳送門，你會喜歡這個遊戲！

如果你搞哲學，你會喜歡這個遊戲！

如果你學數學，你也會喜歡這個遊戲！

如果你研究宗教，你依然會喜歡這個遊戲！

如果你研究物理，你還是會喜歡這個遊戲！

......

如果你是COD狗，你會在這飽受折磨慢慢地死去。

*a terminal in the game asks me to prove that i am a human or not*

*looks at bedroom mirror*

*closes laptop*

*lie down on the floor*

*thinking about my existence*

10/10 would mindf--ked again

一天，遊戲里的電腦終端問我：如何證明我到底是不是人？

聽完關了電腦，

對著鏡子看了一會兒，

又躺在地板上，

思考我是否存在的終極問題。

滿分。

A computer terminal in the game asked me why I wanted so much to prove Im human. I spent like 10 minutes thinking, unable to answer.

Thought this was just puzzles, ended up on one of the most philosophical rides a game has ever taken me. 10/10

一天，遊戲里的電腦終端又問我：為啥非要證明自己是人？我花了10分鐘思考，無果。

儘管我知道這只是謎題的一部分，卻成了我這輩子遇到的最具哲學的謎題。滿分。

This game makes you question everything. Im not even sure if Im a person anymore. 10/10

這遊戲讓你懷疑一切，我已無法確定自己還特么是不是人了。滿分。

In the beginning were the words

and the words made the world.

I am the words.

The words are everything.

Where the words end the world ends.

You can not forward in an absence of space.

起初，只有文字，文字創造了世界。

我即是文字。

文字是天地萬物，

文字消失之處便是世界滅亡之時。

在一片虛無中，你寸步難行。

In the beginning were the words

and the words made this review.

I am the words.

The words are everything.

Where the words end this review ends.

You will purchase this game or your death is assured.

Repeat.

起初，只有文字，文字組成了這篇測評。

我即是測評者。

文字是天地萬物，

文字消失之處便是測評結束之時。

你即將購買這款遊戲，不然你的生命將隨文字而消失。

謹記。

holy ???? they hired the devs of serious sam to make portal 3

天了嚕他們居然請英雄薩姆的開發者製作了傳送門3。

3/10 I have yet to find one ???????ed cat in this ????ing game. The picture promised a ????ing cat, and there aint no ????? anywhere.

我特么到現在也沒逮到一隻喵星人，說好的貓咪呢？連根毛也沒找到。

54 68 69 73 20 61 20 33 44 20 70 75 7a 7a 6c 65 20 67 61 6d 65 20 74 68 65 20 73 61 6d 65 20 77 61 79 20 74 68 61 74 20 50 6f 72 74 61 6c 20 77 61 73 20 61 20 70 75 7a 7a 6c 65 20 0a 0a 67 61 6d 65 2c 20 62 75 74 20 6d 6f 72 65 20 6c 61 73 65 72 73 20 61 6e 64 20 6c 65 73 73 20 6a 75 6d 70 69 6e 67 2e 20 53 77 65 65 74 20 21 0a 0a 49 20 6d 69 67 68 74 20 6c 65 61 72 6e 20 73 6f 6d 65 20 70 68 69 6c 6f 73 6f 70 68 79 20 68 65 72 65 2e 2e 2e 2e 20 61 6e 64 20 6d 61 6b 65 20 62 65 74 74 65 72 20 63 68 6f 69 63 65 73 20 0a 0a 66 6f 72 20 42 72 65 61 6b 66 61 73 74 20 66 6f 6f 64 2e 2e 2e 2e 0a 0a 4c 61 73 65 72 73 2c 20 6d 69 6e 65 73 2c 20 6b 65 79 73 2c 20 74 75 72 72 65 74 73 2c 20 63 6f 6d 70 75 74 65 72 73 2c 20 70 68 69 6c 6f 73 6f 70 68 79 2c 20 44 65 75 73 20 45 78 20 0a 0a 4d 61 63 68 69 6e 61 2e 20 47 6f 6f 64 20 54 69 6d 65 73 20 21

這個其實是Hex碼要轉換成ASCII，Hex to ASCII text converter，在此粘貼以上代碼得到以下文字（內容平淡，但這個逼給9分）：

This a 3D puzzle game the same way that Portal was a puzzlegame, but more lasers and less jumping. Sweet !

I might learn some philosophy here.... and make better choices

for Breakfast food....

Lasers, mines, keys, turrets, computers, philosophy, Deus Ex

Machina. Good Times !

Enjoyment = True ; Dissapointment = False

樂趣 = 是 ； 失望 = 否 ；

The cat was not a lie. 10/10

原來喵星人真的存在哦。滿分。

• Middle-earth：Shadow of Mordor(中土世界：暗影魔多)

"What happened?"

"Youre in a space between life and death. Before you can die, you must seek vengence upon the ones who wronged you."

"The Black Hand of Sauron?"

"No. The developers who cursed us with unskippable cutscenes and slow motion."

"How can we find them?"

"Start by interrogating those Uruks"

Talion jumps into action and kills the nearest Uruks. Seconds later, hes interrogating the last member of the group.

"Talk, monster. Tell me what you know of the ones who cursed me."

"You have the curse of the unskippable cutscene? Hur hur hur."

"I wouldnt laugh. I can rip the answers from your mind if I want."

"Oh. Ill laugh, human. Im laughing because were in a cutscene right now."

"What you say!!"

"Yes. Its what I say... and you must listen to it. Right to the end... and watch... dramatic... camera... angles" , he finishes slowly.

"No! I cant move! I need to get back to the fight!"

"Not until Im done, you wont."

"You fiend! As soon as I can control my body again, Im going to kill you!"

"Then Im afraid Ill have the last laugh. Because Im the last Uruk of my squad and if you kill me youll need to watch me die..."

"I think I can live with that."

"...in an unnecessarily long unskippable slow motion cutscene."

"Oh."

Talion thinks for a moment.

"On second thought, Ill spare you today." He sheathes his sword. "Rejoin your masters but pray we never meet again."

The Uruk cowers and slinks away.

"What do you think, Clebrimbor?"

"We have what we need. From his insignia, I can see that he reports to Gragnok The Interruptor."

"The... uh... interruptor?"

"One of the enemy captains. From their titles you can tell what role an orc plays in orc society. Gragnoks job is to..."

"I can guess."

"...exactly. Gragnoks lair is to the north, but before we leave we must wait for this cutscene to finish."

"Wait, were in ANOTHER cutscene?"

"It would seem so."

"But I only had control of my body for... like... three seconds since the last one."

"Such is the way of the cursed."

"Is this going to happen a lot?"

"No. Only when you die, discover a new captain, kill an enemy, start a boss fight, unlock a new zone or... okay, yes. Yes, it happens a lot. Quite a lot."

譯文如下：

"...咋滴啦剛才這是？」

「你現在遊離三界之外，身在生死之間，你必須在死之前找出置你於此地的兇手。」

「你是說黑暗之手 - 騷龍（索隆）大魔王？」

「...不是。我指那些對我們下了詛咒的開發者們，讓我們置身無法跳過的過場動畫以及，各種慢鏡頭終結招數。」

「如何才能找到他們？」

「先逮幾隻半受人攻一下。」

Talion轉身跳到附近的獸人身上，三拳兩刀乾死，開始審問最後一隻獸人。

「乖，聽話，告訴我詛咒我的幕後黑手是誰。」

「看樣子，你受到了 』觀看過場動畫.強制地 『詛咒』 ？ 呵呵 。」

「呵呵你麻痹！！ 快說！」

「哎疼！我說我說，我要說了，但是我開說後畫面就無法停止..., 而你什麼也做不了，只能眼睜睜地看完....，不信，你看鏡頭又開始固定了呢。」

「哎我曹，我又動不了了，我要回到戰鬥畫面！」

「呵呵，在我死之前，你想都別想。」

「你介個餓魔，等咱們走完過場動畫，你就等著受死吧！」

「呵呵你又逗我，別忘了我可是這個獸人小隊里僅存的一隻受了，最後一隻獸人自帶Buff，殺了我，你自己掂量掂量先...」

「Buff又怎樣，沒啥大不了的。」

「Buff之『 強制進入過場動畫 』。」

「我日你媽哦。」

Talion思索片刻後。

「算了，獸人也是人，得饒人處且饒人，今天剛學新技能，饒你不死。」說著Talion收劍入鞘，「哪來滾哪去，別叫我再碰見你哦。」

獸人嚇得屁股尿流，一溜煙跑了。

「你怎麼看，Clebrimbor（凱勒布理鵬，魔戒鑄造者）？」

「我們已經得到了需要的信息，從他的臂章來看，他隸屬於Gragnok The Interruptor 」

「 愛插嘴的格...什麼鬼..來著...？」

「就是眾多的獸人大隊長之一啊，從他們的頭銜你就能判斷他在獸人社會裡的角色。Gragnok專門負責....」

「我懂你憋說了。」

「...正是如此，他的巢穴在北方，我們即刻就動身。哦對了，動身之前先等這個過場動畫走完。」

「哦好...啥，你剛說啥玩意兒...這特么就又進了一個過場動畫？」

「看起來，似滴。」

「可我才剛剛控制自己身體幾秒鐘啊， 也是醉了。「

」要不怎麼說我們被詛咒了。「

」這癥狀會頻發么？「

」不會...，只有你死的時候、發現獸人大隊長的時候、終結獸人的時候與Boss戰鬥的時候以及解鎖區域的時候和其他時候才會出現這個情況。「

日了狗了。

Another great entry in the Orcs Must Die franchise.

獸人必須死系列

Orc society simulator 2014

模擬獸人生 2014

I walked into Mordor.

不為別的，我走進了魔多。滿分。

One Game to rule them all

One Game to beat them all

One Game to bring them all

And in the greatness beat them

至尊遊戲馭眾游

至尊遊戲虐眾游

至尊遊戲引領眾游

秒天秒地秒空氣

l make your decision about this game easy, just answer this questionaire.

1-Feel ripped off by WB for Batman?

2-Like the Assassins Creed Series?

3-Enjoy the Middle-Earth Stories?

4-Do you like a game with over the top grotesque Graphics?

5-A good story in a game?

6-RPG like elements in a game?

7-Have steam installed?

If you answered yes to any 2 of the above

Why have you not bought this earlier click the add to cart button now.

回答以下問題，教你如何快速決定是否購買遊戲：

1. 覺得華納的蝙蝠俠：阿甘騎士坑爹？

2. 又喜歡刺客信條系列？

3. 剛好也沉醉於中土故事會？

4. 畫面黨？

5. 愛劇情？

6. 喜好角色扮演？

7. Steam沒卸載？

滿足兩項你還沒買是傻逼嗎快加入購物車。

The love child of Bruce Wayne and Ezio Auditore becomes Gondors undead CIA agent. Highly recommended.

老爺和艾吉奧愛的結晶長大後成為剛多中央情報局的探員。推薦。

>>>>> 12.28日：更新 >>>>>

DayZ

Dear developers

....................../′ˉ/)

....................,/ˉ../

.................../..../

............./′ˉ/.../′ˉˉ`·¸

..........//.../..../......./¨ˉ

........((...′...′.... ˉ~/...)

.............................../

....................... _.·′

..........................(

.............................

???????????█????█??????

??????▄?????????█▄▄????

??????█?█??????????????

?????????????????▄?????

??????█????????▄???????

????▄???????????▄▄?????

??▄??????????█▄????????

??█????????????▄?█?????

???█▄???▄????▄???█?????

???█?????????????█?????

???█?▄???????????█▄▄???

??????▄Dayz▄??????▄▄▄???

???????????????????????

Dont waste your time.

Pros:

- gets run when I click Play

- Uninstall still works

別浪費時間了。

優點：

- 點擊「開始遊戲」可以正常啟動

- 卸載流暢

缺點：（不翻了，你們多少都了解）

This game is the mostaccurate Detroit Simulator I have ever seen.

這是我見過還原度最高的「底特律求生模擬遊戲「 （註：底特律城於2013年宣布破產，對就是美國的汽車之城，為了方便理解這個測評，附上幾張底特律近況，自行體會一下）。

Best game to try out thenew steam refund policy

Steam最佳退款體驗遊戲

A real world apocalypse will occur beforethis game is complete.

末日以後，DayZ之前

Step 1. Pay $30 for Early Alpha Access

Step 2. Ignore dissapointment (its in earlyalpha still, right?)

Step 3. Hope

Step 4. Wait until 2014

Step 5. Hope

Step 6. Wait until 2015

Step 7. Early Alpha Access

Step 8. Realize you got duped by Dean becausehe legally got all us scrubs to legally give him money he legally does not haveto give back, but will once a year drop "improvements" to UI to makeyou think hes not actually blowing all that money on d.r.u.g.s.

Step 9. Hope?

1. 花30刀買A測

2. 無視差評，忽略Bugs（當年能玩上A測，夫復何求？）

3. 期待ing

4. 2014

5. 繼續等

6. 2015

7. 盼來了A測

8. 才發現，被Dean玩，昧心錢，已被斂；苦逼們，莫受騙，特么UI改善根本不算。

9. 是接著等呢，還是等呢，亦或是等？

Uh

Not too sure what to write here so heres a recipe for Pancakes instead

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

3 tablespoons sugar

1 tablespoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg

2 large eggs, at room temperature

1 1/4 cups milk, at room temperature

1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

3 tablespoons unsalted butter, plus more as needed

Now to make it

1. In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and nutmeg.

2. In another bowl, beat the eggs and then whisk in the milk and vanilla.

3. Melt the butter in a large cast iron skillet or griddle over medium heat.

4. Whisk the butter into the milk mixture. Add the wet ingredients to the flour mixture, and whisk until a thick batter is just formed

5. Keeping the skillet at medium heat, ladle about 1/4 cup of the batter onto the skillet, to make a pancake. Make 1 or 2 more pancakes, taking care to keep them evenly spaced apart. Cook, until bubbles break the surface of the pancakes, and the undersides are golden brown, about 2 minutes. Flip with a spatula and cook about 1 minute more on the second side. Serve immediately or transfer to a platter and cover loosely with foil to keep warm. Repeat with the remaining batter, adding more butter to the skillet as needed.

6. Procedure for adding fruit to pancakes: Once the bubbles break the surface of the pancakes, scatter the surface with sliced or diced fruit, or chocolate chips, nuts, etc. Flip with a spatula and cook for 1 minute more, being careful not to burn toppings.

額，無力吐槽了，不知道寫啥我還是來寫一份煎餅果子食譜吧

配料：

- 半杯普通麵粉

- 3大勺白糖

- 1大勺發酵粉

- 1/4茶匙鹽

- 一點新鮮落花生

- 常溫保存的雞蛋2顆

- 1/4杯常溫牛奶

- 1/2茶匙香精

- 3大勺無鹽奶油，可酌情增添

製作過程：

1. 將麵粉、白糖、發酵粉、鹽、花生倒入大碗A攪拌

2. 再另一大碗B中打入雞蛋、牛奶、香精

3. 黃油放在平底鍋里，用中火加熱至融化

4. 黃油倒進碗B攪拌--然後倒入碗A--攪拌至麵糊狀

5. 保持鍋熱，舀入1/4杯的麵糊攤在鍋里，若想同時攤三個，注意留夠間隙。等2分鐘，看到煎餅表面泡泡破裂且下面焦黃後，用鍋鏟翻面，大概一分鐘左右即可出鍋。可即食，也可用盤子盛著，記得錫箔蓋上以保溫。重複以上步驟直到食材用完

Amnesia失憶症

System Requirements:

A PC with some RAM, a video card, hard disk drive and a defibrillator.

遊戲配置：

隨便上一根內存條、顯卡、一點硬碟，再加上心臟起搏器

Pros: Not scary when theres no monsters nearby.

Cons: Theres monsters everywhere.

優點：沒怪的時候倒也沒辣么驚悚

缺點：到處是怪

Yay, free stuff! Now the only money I will spend on this game will be on dry cleaning for my soiled underwear.

哈免費領的！現在唯一燒錢的事就是要不停換內褲

I was constipated all week.

Then i played this game.

#Instantrelief

10/10

Would recommend this game to anyone with severe bowel movement disfuctions

曾連續便秘一星期，

偶然玩了這遊戲，

在廁所瞬間爆炸。

推薦給排便困難患者

I (c)rapped in my pants :c

I forgot why..

Amnesia Confirmed

我內褲上居然有屎，

可我忘了原因

失憶症無疑。

The best game to use when you have constipation, I didnt even had to walk all the way to the toilet.

recommended

便秘患者最佳藥物，我廁所都不用去了。

Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes保持通話，沒人爆炸

笑尿的動圖

Play with your girlfriend, Result: Break up

Play with your best friend, Result: Never speak to him again

Play with bunch of newbies, Result: Start hating humans.

Final Result: You find that you are an impatient human with psychopathic tendencies.

10/10

跟女朋友玩，分手；

跟好朋友玩，友盡；

跟菜逼們玩，厭世；

最終你發現，自己是個略顯變態的急性子。

How to destroy your friendship simulator. 10/10

友誼毀滅裝置。

I always play this game with my boyfriend, I recommend it , its so addicting. I also always want to murder him when it explodes(love you, baby) but this game rocks anyway. 10/10

我常和男朋友一起玩，強烈推薦這款遊戲，根本停不下來。只要拆彈失敗我就想殺了他。

I got PTSD and flashbacks whenever my alarm clock goes off in the mornings thanks to this game. Plz help/10.

這遊戲讓我得了創傷後應激障礙，每次床頭鬧鐘響的時候我都以為是炸彈要爆炸。絕對滿分。

救命。

Play with some friends. I no longer have friends. 10/10 would explode again.

我之前和朋友一起玩，現在玩到沒朋友了。誰想和我做朋友，我們一起爆炸。

I went to Bombmanual.com and now I am on a TSA Watchlist.

我常去拆彈指南官網，現在是運輸安全管理局的重點照顧對象。

-Playing with 2 friends over Skype

-Another friend joins in

-They think its a good idea to say cut the blue wire

-I cut blue wire, and explode

-I now have 1 fewer friends on Skype

- 和兩個朋友用Skype語音合作

- 一會兒又進來一個

- 他們一致認為「剪藍線」

- 我剪了之後，爆炸身亡

- 已拉黑

Went to www.bombmanual.com and got flagged by the NSA.

10/10 would get SWATted again.

去了拆彈指南官網，回來收到國家安全局警告。

目測還會被特種部隊查水表。

me: push and release immetiately release

girlfriend: it glows blue

me: i said immetiately release babe

*strike*

girlfriend: Thats what i did

me: Nope, u keep it push

girfriend: now it glows red

me: i told yo immetiately release omg!!!

*strike*

Girlfriend: Are you calling me a lier?

me: call down.... just hit it and release it really fast, son we can keep going.

Girlfriend: Done, it glows white

me: are you ????ing serious?

*BOOOOM*

10/10 Would sleep in the couch again

我：按下後立即鬆開

女友：好的，現在綠燈在亮

我： 我說「按一下就鬆開」 好么？

「啪」

女友：我就是這樣做的

我：才不是，你肯定一直按著沒鬆手

女友：好了現在是紅光

我：我跟你說多少遍了立即鬆手！！無語了！

「啪」

女友：你居然敢懷疑我？

我：沒有啦....寶貝你一會就用 快速手輕輕拍一下，想想扇我的時候，就這樣，然後我們就可以繼續繼續愉快地啪啪啪了呢

女友：行了行了，按過了，現在是白光

我：你他媽在玩老子是不？！

「BOOOOM」

今晚又要睡沙發了。

待更