When A Chinese Daughter Meets An American Son (part 1)

Growing up, I have been treated like a queen in my family. Despite my parents failed marriage, my families on both sides give me everything I want and fight with each other to please me. When I was a little kid, my mom sent me to learn piano, painting, calligraphy, chess, dancing, web development, and many other things that I can hardly count. Among all, I spent 9 years in piano and hated it while I am still playing chess because it fits my personality. Back when majority of my classmates did not even have a computer at home, I already won some web development competition in my town and was assigned to design my school website. My childhood is golden.

My husband, on the other hand, has a very different childhood. One day he told me that he had grown apart from his mother because he realized at an early age that he is not his mothers favorite child.

me: I realized that when I saw her facebook. Apparently she likes your brother the most. But thats ok! She has so many kids and there is only one kid that is gonna be the favorite. All the other kids are being treated equal so you are being liked just the same as your other siblings, right?

him: But I wanna be the favorite one! I always thought I was the favorite one until my little brother came out. It was heart breaking. One day I will the favorite kid and inherit my parents house and remodel it. I will make it gorgeous.

me: Well, I dont think we need that house given that its so far away and not worth much. Who wants to live in the middle of nowhere? Your siblings can take it.

Having few kids might be nice, but having too many will be troublesome. When we visited his families and invited the siblings to join us for swimming, his mother said no because she didnt want to buy multiple swimming suits for the kids to swim for just once or twice.

him: My mother said she would not be a "soccer mother" so everything we do for fun stays inside the house.

me: Whats soccer mother? (Ive only heard of "tiger mother")

him: Thats the kind of mother who sends the kids to play soccer and cheer for them every time they play. Sometimes they could even fight with the other parents when things come up.

me: Thats crazy. Well, your mother has so many kids so its smart to not be a soccer mother, otherwise she will be go crazy. My mom has only me and she is already super busy.

Every time after I learned something new about my husband, I googled to study more. Honestly it is hard for me to understand the pain of not being the favorite kid.

me: I am the only kid, so of course I am the favorite one. There is no competition!

him: You are lucky. I am already jealous about the relationship that you have with your mother.

me: Now you have me. You are my favorite. You have no competition.

him: (Looks happy like a little kid.)

The more I know about my husband, the more I believe that he is a self-taught genius. Dont get me wrong - my husband is not a academic genius or a self-made billionaire. He doesnt need to be. The most valuable part of him is that he lives a happy and simple life. It annoys me as sometimes I wish he could be more aggressive. But I truly deeply appreciate how simple he is and how little it takes to make him a happy man.

After graduating from college, I volunteered to mentor a local high school kid who comes from a family where nobody has been to college or knows how to apply for college. It is a 3-year commitment that I would start mentoring a specific kid from her first year in high school to when she starts her college life. There are many such people that need help and guidance and money can only bring them that far. I dont have the resources to help every single kid in the world, but at least I could help one kid to achieve her dream. And I would like to share with you that many kids I have seen will not make it to college. Only 30% of the high school kids in Harlem go to college. Most of them do not have the money. Also, their families never go to college so they do not see the point going to college. Instead, they are told to start making a living after high school. Going to college costs money and the time that you could have used to make money. It has huge opportunity cost.

It happens to my husbands family as well. Having so many kids, his parents can hardly afford sending any kid to college. So every adult sibling, after high school, picks up a job that makes the minimum wage in a local business. Some of them have been working for minimum wages for years without a college degree. When I met his younger siblings and told them that they should start preparing for college, his mother got mad at me and blamed me for trying to tell her kids that going to college is the only option in life when there are many other choices. It upset me.

To describe it more accurately, the value that my families has taught me since I was a kid and that I have held for my entire life has been challenged. For me and many of those who I grow up with, going to college is something we take for granted. Poor or rich, the parents will bankrupt themselves to send their kids to the best school they can. And now, I have this American mother tell me that going to college is not the only option so I should shut up. I dont understand.

I can see clearly that there is a wall bewteen us that I can not break.