Someone from Facebook
me: Wow Im surprised that you found me here. Nice job!
him: Im on my way back from Canada at the moment; should be back by 5:00. Actually, want to get dinner tonight? If thats not too short of notice. Also I wanted to mention that I am not looking to get married right now haha. but happy to meet you and talk
me: I just had dinner so maybe tomorrow? How did you find me on fb? Anyways I appreciate your efforts to reach me via fb. It seems that you speaks mandarin and have good amount of chinese friends. However, Im only looking for a committed relationship that leads to marriage and I wont have sex before marriage. If you feel you are looking for the same we can continue the conversation otherwise good luck
him: is have chinese friends like a requirement for this? haha..Im not proposing anytime soon, so if youre cool with that...I guess I mainly wanted to reach out to you not to necessarily get hitched right away.but just to meet you since you seemed different
me: Im looking for future husband so understanding my culture is helpful but not required
him:I see. yeah you can type chinese to me if you prefer. I can respond too though my grammar is a bit broken at times
me: My English is good enough thank you for your offer
him: cool. I thought it was interesting that you let this goal be the defining thing about you when you introduce yourself. I wanted to understand that better
me: To make it more clear, I am not young anymore and want to get married and settle down asap. Im not gonna waste time on something that leads nothing
him: either that it actually is the most defining thing about you, or that youve had such bad experiences that you feel it must be stated. I understand. yeah in US culture, thats not bad. I think theres a difference between cultures here. well, anyways, its kinda ridiculous to think about this in terms of us specifically getting together before even meeting
me: I am well aware of that. Thats why I want to point that out first before people waste time on me
him: would you want to meet even if it wasnt in terms of us seeing if were good for life?
me: Then meeting for what? Im old fashioned and expect to be treated like a lady
him: dont you have friends? haha..also what does that entail? to me it seems like you just want to find someone that will spend lots of money on you without any investment on your end. its like a win-win for you. not saying I wouldnt do that for the right person, but being upfront about me having to do everything is kind of off putting
me: I guess youve met some shallow ladies who only look for money.
him: I dont think I would ever disrespect you. or any friends for thatmatter. so Im not sure what it means to treat you like a lady.Ive heard stories in chinese culture of guys spending thousands to woo girls. and thats not really my style I guess
me: Ive had everything in my profile. If being old fashioned means only looking for money then I guess we have different understanding of being old fashioned
him: it means different things to different people which is why I asked about more of what you meant. so we didnt misunderstand each other
me: How old are you?
him: 24
me: Do you have student debt?
him: yep
me: Do you own a house or a car?
him: a car
me: Do you plan to have a family or a kid in the following one year or two
him: oh dear, are you looking to have a kid next year?
me: I have friends and now Im looking for a man to have a family with. Thank you for your time. Good luck on hunting.
him: even if we met and thought it was all great, I wouldnt want to get married right away. wait hang on. just give me a moment. youre asking me if I want to have children with you and we havent even met yet. we just started texting today.I dont want to waste anyones time, but isnt that something thats for a bit later?
me: I know what I want and Im not gonna settle for less. Period.
him: also whats wrong with being married for a year before having kids? I mean sure, we all have ideals, but what if youre too strict? pushing people around isnt going to make them want to be with you more.
me: There are so many girls who are not old fashioned or strict. Please feel free to reach out to them
him: okay sure, but right now Im talking to you because I want to understand you better. its like this thing were we get to know each other a bit better before getting married haha
me:
I dont have time for your curiosity kid
him: haha nice gif. okay tell me this then. whats your ideal timeline? we meet tomorrow and get married this weekend? you have your first child by September?
me: Getting married in 2017 and having kids in 4-5 years
him: oh okay. thats realistic. meeting a few times would be nice. what do you like about me?
me: Honestly I dont think you wanna settle down for another 2 or 3 years.
him: we all make compromises for the right person
me: Seeing you costs money and leads to nothing. Then why shall I see you?
him: because seeing me costs no money. and has potential to lead to something. if only at worst another friend. I guess I should ask you this
me: You asked me for dinner and you look down to women who spend mens money, which means I have to pay for my meal. Sorry I dont have money
him: Would you be okay hanging out and it not being a date?
me: no.
him: I understand that. We dont need dinner then. I dont look down on people like that. Only if they expect it every time
him: What are you okay with excluding sex?Can we kiss? What else?
me: My time is valuable. The time I waste on you could be spent on finding my future husband.
him: Same for me. Or anyone. Its always a risk. What if I helped you fix your computer? Made it less of a waste of time and we spent time together?
me: I made good money and can hire someone to fix my computer. Im looking for someone to marry not a tool even if he is free
him: Thats good. Also how long would you want to know someone before getting engaged?
me: It usually takes 1-3 months for me to know if hes the one
him: Oh have you done this before? I dont have experience with knowing if someone is the one. Im just really fascinated that you know that youll know in such a short time
me: its not hard - men usually run away after they try for 2 months to get me on bed but fail. have you dated before?
him: I mean, sure its easy to know if theyre *not* for you - you hit a fight early on. But its a lot harder when everything is okay but not really great, you know? Like how do you know you wont get married and then be disappointed?
me: how many gfs have you had?
him: 3
me: they are chinese?
him: Well, in heritage, two were. All US citizens. Oh one was Canadian
me: when you were dating, if your girls was not willing to have sex with you do you still wanna be her bf?
him: Depends. To be honest sex is scary to me. But if they were like, afraid to sleep next to me or be physically close, thats a lot harder
me: im not afraid of intimacy. I just dont see myself sleep with someone who is not my husband
him: If I was to find the right person, I think Id always be afraid that we would get married and then sex would be bad. Like how do you know theyre great for you unless 1. You try it before committing for life and 2. Have at least some comparison?I dont know, havent been there yet, but always thought that was something people overlooked when trying to be idealist in their morals
me: a lot of men said they would be ok with no sex but then they challenged my belief and tried to get me on bed. After they failed a couple of times, they finally understood that I would not compromise in this. So they walked away. It usually takes them 1-2 months to realize it and give up
him: Yeah well, sucks to be a sucker, right? You told them and they didnt listen, not your fault
me: research shows that married couple who wait to have sex until marriage have much lower divorce rate that those who do not wait. you can google it
him: Hmm but I dont think correlation and causation are the same here
me: and more people get divorced because of financial reasons etc than sex reason
him: Those are generally people that have very very strong moral beliefs and would choose morals over happiness. Like, you are someone that likely doesnt believe in divorce, so you wont get divorced. It doesnt matter if you meet someone that you may like more later, you made your decision and will live with it
me: i do not want to argue with you about it. This is who I am and I am not gonna change myself to be someone else. If you dont feel comfortable with it, look for someone else
him: Im not arguing with you or pushing you to do anything. You keep accusing me of random things and telling me to leave. If you want me to leave I will but none of those things are true.
me: lets end our conversation in here as we both are clear that we are looking for something different. You will have no problem finding a gf although I know in FB there are very few girls around
I will not answer any more of your questions or concerns. Hope you wont think I am rude. Good luck
him: I have a great girlfriend, totally happy, not looking for anything. I just talked with you to try to understand a totally alien view to me. good luck to yourself in finding a husband
me: you have a gf and you are on a dating site?! interesting
him: umm well I had a profile from awhile ago and closed it the other day, which is when I saw you with your "looking for husband only" message
me: you have a gf and you asked me for dinner and kiss?! interesting
him: nope, I didnt ask you on a date. I asked if you wanted to get dinner, explicitly said I would not pay, and wanted to know what you were okay with since you were so opposed to physicality right in your introduction. Ive heard about these really extreme Eastern views but never had a time to better understand them. Unfortunately I still dont because you didnt answer me very well. You didnt say why it was important to you, just that it was the way it was, which is pretty uncompromising (important to me), shows bad communication (important to me), I didnt mean to lead you on, I just wanted to 1. meet another person in 2. always up for meeting someone to practice mandarin with, either speaking or texting, and 3. just understand your culture better all the other stuff was just to achieve those goals
me: man, i feel sorry for your gf as her boy is apparently trying to cheat on her.
him: no reason to feel sorry, shes next to me right now. shared the whole thing lol
me: haha.. what waste of time.
him: no not a waste of time. well only for you. Im sorry about that. I sincerely wanted something to come of it, even if it was introducing you to other guys I know. or just meeting up and getting to know someone. whatever it was, meeting people is never a waste of time. haha you view failure as just that -- failure. But its really a path to success. You wont find your husband on your first try, so try dating 100 guys and then pick the best one. thats what I did at least. Ive been on dates with over 80 people. you figure out what you like, and then find someone with the confidence that theyre really amazing for you. without that, youre just kinda guessing
me: could you send me the fb link of your gf? id love to add her to this conversation and hear her point of view
him: lol kk. but like. wait. youre so adamant about your time. sigh.lets end this here. I shared it with her as it was happening. and theres your proof. you can dig through my friends profiles and find the matching photo if you want but like, lol I dont know what your objective is at this point.
me: this doesnt mean shes your gf
him: it seems like you are just hurt. You want a man with a high paying job, a house, a car, and to settle down ASAP. And you cant find that
me: just a random person you sent message
him: whats the phrase? 剩女 Okay heres a photo of us on her nightstand
me: and you said she sat with you. so why did you send her message with she is physically sitting with you?
him: I was with her earlier, so half true. look, believe it or not. not trying to prove anything. lol its like an interrogation. okay to try to not make this hostile, Im sorry -- I was unfair to you. But I really did mean well
me: haha. man. lying is BAD
him: I think youre closed minded and could gain a lot by just meeting people. lying to who? to you? I dont really care if I lie to you, youve clearly said we are not meeting ever. I dont lie to friends. there wasnt any cover for this to her, so whatever. weve gone on each others Tinders before and messed around. we trust each other. anyways, if you want to meet ever -- for any reason other than getting married, happy to hang out
Question for my reader: do you think this guy has a girlfriend? And why? lol
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