致「曾經的自己」的一封信

To the Once and Sometimes Boy; From the Nameless, Faceless Princess in Starlight

月光下一名默默無聞，隱姓埋名的公主致給曾經的男孩的一封信

原文： Sophia

翻譯：雪球

You have been my loyal protector for 23 years. You have uncomplainingly been the visage that the world expects to see of me and you』ve been my strongest supporter. Do you remember when I first crafted you? I do. We were very young then, maybe 1st or 2nd grade. Do you remember Travis? Sigh… Go ahead, cringe. I do; every time. I don』t remember what day it was, or even the month. I remember it was bitterly cold, though. Even in South Georgia. My hands were cold. I』ve always had terrible circulation in my hands and feet. I held Travis』 hand. I didn』t mean anything by it. I just wanted to get my hand warm and he was my friend. I remember, even at that young age how they called me gay and teased me mercilessly. Excluded me from everything. Beat me. And the teachers just let it happen.

你是我23年來的保護者。你毫無怨言地扮演了整個世界期待我應該像的樣子，你也是我最強大的支持者。你是否還記得我第一次想像你的時候？我還記得。那是我們我們都還很小，也許是在一年級、二年級的時候。你還記得小張不*？唉。。一想起他就忍不住想笑。我忘記了那天是幾月幾號。儘管我們身在南方，那一天很冷。小時候，我的身體很虛，那天我的手都要凍僵了。因此，我抓緊小張的手。我並沒有什麼企圖，我只是想溫暖我的手而已，而他剛好是我的朋友。我記得，即便在那麼小的年齡，大家都會叫我基佬(原文中是gay)，還會毫不留情地取笑我....

I want to tell you about what I remember from before I needed you. Before I fashioned you to be my guardian. I won』t lie and say that it was an easy time for me, because it wasn』t. I didn』t want to be a loner. No one wanted to be around me and so I contented myself with being alone. I read a lot. I remember I liked being with girls. Just in their presence was nice enough. I liked playing with them. I wish I had continued. You remember, I』m sure, when we tried to continue hanging out with the girls. We still have those scars. Behind the left ear? The one girl with long blonde hair and bizarre, unjustifiable anger. Glasses, maybe. It was a blur. But you protected me as best you could. There were six or eight of them, after all.

我想告訴你，在我創造你之前我的故事。那個時候，我還沒有賦予你生命，也沒有人保護我。我沒法自欺欺人，說那段時光很容易，那是假的... 事實是，我害怕被孤立....沒有人願意和我一起，所以我只好安慰自己一個人挺好的。我讀了很多書。我記得，我曾經很喜歡和女生在一起。只要能和她們在一起，對我來說就夠了。我喜歡和他們玩。要是我當時繼續和她們玩就好了。你也肯定記得，我打賭你肯定知道那件事。吶...現在那處傷疤還在。左耳後面？我記得....好像是一個有著長發和一點捲髮的女生，突然發了脾氣。好像是玻璃渣，好像是的...玻璃渣刮到了我。但是你保護了我。畢竟，那時她們有六個還是八個人來著，我們打不過....

I』ve never said it before, but thank you.

我從未對你說過，但是我現在想說，謝謝你。

I let you take control from day to day because it was very clear that I was not welcome in the world. And eventually, inexorably, you became me. It was you that got us in the gym every chance we could so we could get ripped and people would quit picking on us. It was you that turned us into a half-ass bodybuilder at the tender age of ten. It was you that broke that kid』s nose with an apple in a lunch bag. I always took you off, though, before I went to bed and at night, and I was an unnamed princess of nothing, dancing until daylight. Is it any wonder that I cherish my sleep?

我讓你日復一日的接管我的生活，因為我很清楚整個世界都不歡迎我。最終，無情地，你變成了我。是你，帶著我們一有機會就去健身房練肌肉，這樣就沒人敢欺負我們。是你，讓我們在十歲就成為了強壯的勇士。是你，打歪了一個同學的鼻子。但是，每當我上床時，我都會把你脫下來，然後我就成了一名大隱於市的公主，或者什麼類似的東西，一直跳舞跳到午夜。就像我不需要睡眠一樣。哈哈.....

You were the version of me that my parents saw. They only ever knew you. They don』t know me and I don』t know if they could ever love me the way they love you. After all, you are their child far more than I ever was. You know what dad says, 「Actions speak louder than words.」 All they ever talk about with me is you. They are terrified of losing you. They think that you are me. Or rather, that this body we share belongs to you and that I am the mask. I have always been jealous of your relationship with them. Understand, though, this isn』t about you, mom, and dad. This is about you and I.

你是父母眼中的我。他們只認識你，卻根本不知道我的存在。我懷疑他們並不會像愛你一樣來愛我。畢竟，你才是他們的孩子。父親曾經對著我說，「行動勝於雄辯」，其實他們嘴上挂念的是你，而不是我。他們害怕失去你。他們相信你就是我；或者說，這具我們共享的身體屬於你，而我只是一副面具而已。我一直嫉妒父母對你的愛。但是你要知道，這不是你和我父母的問題，而是我和你之間的問題。

We had some scary times in the Navy, didn』t we? You, being without fear, lead us through it all. I couldn』t have done it without you. Through the dark times, through the dangerous times, through the exciting times, you led us. Did you know that I spent my nights sobbing? It』s not fair of me to say that I surrendered years of my life to you, but that society demanded you for years of my life. I could only dance in starlight.

我們在海軍時曾經有一段可怕的時光，對吧？你，一個勇敢無畏的男人，帶領我們面對一切挑戰。沒有你，我活不到現在。在那段黑暗的時間，那個危險的時刻，還有那些振奮人心的時候，你帶領著我們前進。你知道我常在深夜無人時抱頭痛哭嗎？憑什麼要把我的青春年華交給你來處置？我也不想，但是這個社會卻想讓我這麼做.... 我只好在午夜星空下，才敢遐想本應屬於我的幸福。

We grew old, it felt. You by day and nameless me by night. I spoke to God for us, since I am the real 「us」 and you are a mask I made to protect me from the world』s hate. I spent so many nights begging for the pain to go away. One night still I hold dearly in my memory. It was the worst of times. There was no 「best of times」 to it. It was just awful. You spoke with that obnoxious swagger that was basically required to avoid getting gunwale-stomped, and then there was C*******… She had just broken up with us (she thought she was going out with you, which led to a conversation which offended me WAY more than she thinks it did. What can I say, I』ve always had a soft spot for her). I just wanted to fade away. It all meant nothing. That night, God cradled me in His hand and comforted me. I wept so much. I don』t think there were words, but definitely a feeling. 「Don』t give up, child.」 「Child.」 There was no name. I don』t know if that was significant, but it felt like it to me.

我們變老了。你在白天變老，而我在晚上變老。我有太多問題想問老天爺。我一次又一次地在晚上懇求上帝解除我的痛苦。有一天晚上格外痛苦，那一夜我現在都記憶猶新。不過，對我來說，沒有哪一天是好日子。每天都同樣糟糕。那天，你去和那個討厭鬼討價還價，我真的很想氣得跺腳。然後，我們就和那個女孩分手了（她以為她的男朋友是你，然後她說了一句非常傷人的話，不過她自己毫不知情）。聽到那句話，我真的想離開這個世界。一切都不重要了。那一夜，上帝用祂的手抱著安慰我。我大哭了一場。我傷心得連話都說不出來了，但我內心有一個聲音「孩子，不要放棄。」 那個聲音沒有名字。我不知道那個聲音有多重要，但我覺得那是對我說的。

I do have to credit you this: You won her heart. You know who. Bravo. Also, fuck you sideways with a moldy spork at a dead sprint. But, as miserable as she made us, I have to say that there were some wonderful times as well. And I wouldn』t trade them for anything. There is almost nothing I wouldn』t give to get back the times we had in Miami. That』s where I first really, genuinely began to refine myself into an actual identity. This unnamed princess began to tire of her starlight prison. It took 20 years, but I finally accepted what I had known all along: I am not you. I am not a man.

我要把這一切歸功於你：你贏得了她的芳心。你知道我在說誰。幹得漂亮。...雖然她讓我們痛苦，但我還是得說實話，她也讓我們快樂過。那是我人生中最快樂的時光。我依然願意為重燃舊火付出一切。我懷念以前我們和她在邁阿密的時光。在那座城市，我第一次正視我自己的身份。我再也不想活在深夜幻想中了。這花了20年。但我終於接受了一個我早已知道的事實：我不是你。我不是一個男人。

But I let you have it for a long time following that. After all, she loved you. She was interested in you. Oh, the irony there… If I had known that she would be just as interested in me… But speculating on an alternate past is silly. What』s done is done. But it was your persona that pushed us into the Coast Guard. If you』ll recall, I opposed the idea of going back in. Strongly. But jobs were scarce and this is the only one we could find, so… It really suited you, being a coast guardsman. Remember the Guardian Ethos?

在我發現這個事實之後，我依然讓你繼續控制我的身體。因為，她愛的人是你。她喜歡的是你。諷刺的是....如果我那時知道其實她喜歡我的話...但是，猜測是無用的。木已成舟。不過，是你把我們招進了海岸警衛隊。你回憶一下，就知道，我最開始是拒絕的。強烈反對。但是，工作不好找，而這是我們能夠找到的唯一工作，所以... 那工作確實很適合你。畢竟，你生來就是當兵的料。你還記得警衛隊里的旋律嗎？

I am America』s Maritime Guardian

我是美國海洋上的衛士

I serve the citizens of the United States

我服務合眾國的人民

I will protect them

我會保護他們

I will defend them

我會捍衛他們

I will save them

我會拯救他們

I am their shield

我是他們的衛士

For them I am Semper Paratus

對他們來說，我是一名光榮的海岸警衛隊戰士

And so on…

就醬...

It』s you. It always has been. That is your raison d』etre. You were made to protect me. To defend me. To save me. It comes naturally to you. And, having been a part of me for so long, it comes naturally to me as well, the compulsion to protect. Well… The Guard had other plans. We never fit in there. We were too used to being on the Navy』s war footing. Then we were no longer warfighters. We didn』t like the Coast Guard』s way of doing things, so we tried to streamline the process. And we pissed a lot of people off. But we didn』t deserve what happened next.

那是你，一直都是你啊。那是你存在的原因。你就是為了保護我而存在的。為了保護我，為了拯救我... 從你出生以來都是這樣的。你一直都有保護我的本能。說實話.....在警衛隊里，我們從不合群。我們以前習慣了海軍。但是在那裡，我們不再是打仗的水兵。看不慣海岸警衛隊的做事方法，我們自作主張重操海軍的行為規範。我們氣瘋了領導。儘管如此，接下來發生的事情依然超出了我的預料。

The world ended and all we could do was watch. I made your job very hard in this time. I sobbed uncontrollably, sometimes at work. We lost everything. We didn』t just hit bottom, we punched a 65-foot deep crater in the bottom.

領導發火了，沒有退路，我們只好立正站好一言不發。一想到我搞砸了你的工作，我當著指揮官的面，控制不住，哭出了聲.... 然後，我們失去了一切。我們不僅觸犯了部隊的底線，還當著上級的面這麼做。

If you know nothing else about that time, know this: YOU DID NOT FAIL ME. You』ve never failed me. But the world that we had worked so hard to build was now smoldering rubble at our feet. There was nowhere to go but up. So I decided that this nameless princess shall be nameless no more. And I would be faceless no more. I had less and less need of you and so I took some of my life back. And I realized that I had been silent and nameless and faceless for too long.

我想對你說：你沒有讓我失望。你從未讓我失望。但我們倆努力多年搭建的人生根基突然從腳下開始倒塌。這時我們無路可走，只好迎難而上。我決定，我這名默默無聞的公主是時候拋頭露面了。我將向世人宣告。我不再像原來那樣需要你，我要奪回屬於我自己的生活。我現在才意識到，我已經保持沉默太久了。

It』s not that I don』t need you. The world is a dangerous place for people like me. And it』s not that you』ve outserved your purpose. I』m sure I』ll have to call on your strength once or twice yet in my life. It』s not even that I don』t want you. God, life would be easier if I could just be you all the time.

不是說我不需要你。這個世界對我來說並不安全。而你依然有用。我相信，在我將來生活中總有一兩次我還會尋求你的保護。這根本不是因為我討厭你。天哪，要是我真的是你，生活該有多簡單啊....

It』s that I can』t let you stay. Oh, the fault really does lie in our stars, my dear guardian. There is no 「why.」 Cruel cosmic joke or best-laid plan, it was never my choice to be this way. It』s not fair to me, and it』s certainly not fair to you. But such is the situation and it』s something we all have to accept. This is my life and you, a fiction created to protect me from the world, have been living it for me. I can』t let that continue. I missed my own childhood. I gave you my parents. I let you live my best years for me. I have no past but the night, and I can』t let my life pass by in this way.

其實是因為，我不能讓你一直留在我的心裡。這都是星運里的錯，我的保護人...沒有為什麼。宇宙中最冷酷無情的笑話亦或者是一個最完美的計劃？我也不想這樣。對我來說這不公平，對你也不公平。但是，我或你不得不接受這個事實。這是我的生活，而你，一個我構想出來的虛擬衛士，代替我活了這條命。這不能再繼續了。我很懷念我的童年，我已經把我的父母交給了你，我把我的青春年華交給了你。而我卻只得到了一個又一個哭泣的夜晚。我不想讓我的人生再像這樣流逝下去。

I got the idea to write this from a video I saw on the internet the other day. The man was reciting a poem he wrote, a letter to the girl he used to be. He ended it with a poignant line that brought tears to my eyes:

我的這篇文章受到了網上一個視頻的啟發。在那個視頻中，一名男人念了一首詩，詩中描寫的是曾經的「她」。他的詩讓我淚流成河。

「P.S. I never hated you.」

「附註：我從不恨你」

後記：

I want to say that to you, but I fear that it』s not true. Like dad says, 「Actions speak louder than words.」 All the agonized time spent staring in the mirror, looking at you looking back at me, trying to see myself through your ridiculous jawline, your chin like a ball pein hammer, your powerful neck and broad back… Failing to look past the hair growing on our face like a Lovecraftian blight and despairing, all the hours spend and the pain I』ve put us through trying to shape you into something that resembles me… I could say 「I never hated you」 until I』m blue in the face, but the words don』t really match the evidence, do they?

I never actively hated you, but I tried to change you into something I didn』t hate, and isn』t that the same thing? So here is my gratitude and my apology: I』ll put you in a box and keep a special place for you in my heart. I』ll never forget you and I』ll always be strong because of you. Go to your well-deserved rest, now your watch has ended.

Love,

Sophia

愛你的，

索菲亞。

備註：*原文是Travis，在這裡譯為小張。

推薦閱讀：