有哪些好玩的英文段子？

01-14

最好是和歐美文化有關的

童年的回憶：（來自新概念第二本書第一課）

Last week I went to the theatre. I had a very good seat. The play was very interesting. I did not enjoy it. A young man and a young woman were sitting behind me. They were talking loudly. I got very angry. I could not hear the actors. I turned round. I looked at the man and the woman angrily. They did not pay any attention. In the end, I could not bear it. I turned round again. "I can"t hear a word!" I said angrily. "It"s none of your business," the young man said rudely. "This is a private conversation!"

這些個很有意思：

1. Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I"m just kidding!"

2. A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

一個醫生想從工作服里拿出一支筆來寫處方，但是卻拿出了一支直腸用體溫計。「哦，該死的」，他叫道，「有個混蛋（肛門）用了我的筆」。

幾個黃段子（就不翻譯了）：

1. A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

2. The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, "I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!""

3. A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn"t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

4. A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It"s bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What"s wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I"m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

著名的Knock Knock Jokes

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Canoe.

-Canoe who?

-Canoe (can you)help me with my homework?

-Knock, knock

-Who』s there?

-Merry.

-Merry who?

-Merry Christmas!

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Orange.

-Orange who?

-Orange you ( Aren"t you) going to let me in?

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Anee.

-Anee,who?

-Anee one ( anyone ) you like!

-Knock, knock

-Who』s there?

-Iva.

-Iva who?

-I』ve a sore hand from knocking!

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Dozen.

-Dozen who?

-Dozen (Doesn"t) anybody want to let me in?

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Needle.

-Needle who?

-Needle (need a ) little money for the movies.

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Henrietta.

-Henrietta who?

-Henrietta ( Have you enter) worm that was in his apple.(這個是因為Apple worm 是一種電腦病毒）

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Avenue.

-Avenue who?

-Avenue ( anyone ) knocked on this door before?

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Harry.

-Harry who?

-Harry ( hurry) up, it』s cold out here!

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-A herd.

-A herd who?

-A herd (I heard) you were home, so I came over!

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Adore.

-Adore who?

-Adore (A door) is between us. Open up!

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Otto.

-Otto who?

-Otto ( I don"t) know. I』ve got amnesia.

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-King Tut.

-King Tut who?

-King Tut-key fried chicken! (KFC)

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Lettuce.

-Lettuce who?

-Lettuce (let us) in it』s cold out here.

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Noah.

-Noah who?

-Noah (know a ) good place we can get something to eat?

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Robin.

-Robin who?

-Robin (robbing) the piggy bank again.

-Knock, knock.

-Who』s there?

-Dwayne.

-Dwayne who?

-Dwayne (drain) the bathtub, It』s overflowing!

段子是抄的，括弧里的解釋是自己加的。還有好多，歡迎補充。

我來幾個平常收集的，個人認為質量還比較高。如果第一眼沒看懂的話就多看幾眼，很多很有意味的。

1，來自how i met your mother.

2，來自Game of Thrones最新一集kill the boy

類似的梗還有一個：有個同學勸（處）女學霸：You don"t just go around hooking up with whoever.然後女學霸條件反射說了一句：Whomever! （老友記裡面也有這種語法梗）

3，英語加數學加美腿.jpg

4，全世界的妹子都一樣嘛

5，不是英語專業，這個我是看了好久的英文評論才懂的，作為中國人絕對會經常犯的錯誤。也是語法梗。

6，這個比較純粹的搞笑了。。。反正我是噴飯了

圖片收集自9GAG，點贊多的話繼續更，歡迎交流

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

話嘮鎮樓

極冷極不好笑段子

Three tomatoes are walking down the street,

a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato.

The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato.

The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him ,

and says: catch up.

——————————from Pulp Fiction

好的，潛這麼久是時候來自問自答了。

1. Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it just becomes soap opera.

2. I"m going to stand outside.

So if anyone asks.

I"m outstanding.

3. What happens when the Italian chef died.

He pasta way.

4. I used to hate math.

But now I realised decimals have a point.

5. Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

圖片系列

（轉自推特：））??雙下巴

先來幾張圖

下面這張是泰森嘴裡的世界，他說話走風的梗真是萬年玩兒不爛。可以讀出來感受下

好吧我承認最後一張和Siri聊天的那個就是我，這個是我無聊時候調戲Siri的新發現，讓它講笑話一開始會傲嬌但是再問就會講啦，大家可以實驗一下

Dad joke

"But dad..."

"Did you just call me Butt Dad?!"

「可是……爹……」

「兔崽子你是不是剛管我叫屁股爹？！」

"Hey dad could you make me a sandwich?"

"Puff! You"re a sandwich!"

「粑粑你可以做個三明治嗎？」

「吧啦吧啦小魔仙！你現在是個三明治了！」

"I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me"

「我以前討厭鬍子現在喜歡了（長在臉上了」

*grew on me是個雙關語

PS，解釋梗就不好笑了但是不解釋又沒笑點好苦惱

"I"ll call you later"

"No don"t call me Later call me Dad"

「我等下呼叫你」

「不要！別叫我「等下」，叫我「傲嬌小公舉爹地」

"Dad I"m hungry"

"Hi Hungry I"m Dad"

"Dad I"m serious!"

"I thought you"re Hungry"

"Are you kidding?"

"No I"m Dad"

「爹我餓」

「你好餓，我是爹」

「爹我是認真的！」

「我以為你是餓呢」

「你逗我玩兒呢？」

「不，我是爹」

以上資源來自

http://youtu.be/StOt_HfMXxM

順便案例下po主的各種視頻

最後來個大招

That"s what she said

"OMG this is so big!"

"That"s what she said"

"I put too much hair gel on my hair now it"s all stiffy and hard"

"That"s what she said"

"Nice job you knocked my ice cream over now I can"t get the white stain off my skirt"

"That"s what she said"

"I am so exhausted from screaming and being up all night"

"That"s what she said"

以上就不翻譯了～

It"s none of your business。

我覺得這是我接觸到的最早的英文段子了，爛熟於心，新概念英語第二冊第一課。

雖然由於我爸是英語老師的緣故，很早就接觸新概念英語第二冊，他說第一冊太簡單，沒必要，但是我真的沒好好學（每次就是翻看第一課，讀啊背啊，也只會背第一課，太有趣了！尤其是那句It"s none of your business,）。現在想來，裡面有太多好玩的段子，小故事了，講鬼魂的那個，大本鐘那個，蛇髮雕像那個…………嗯當然，我都是直接看中午翻譯……所以想學好英文一定要拋棄所有帶中文的東西。就醬。以下是全文。

Lesson 1 A private conversation

『It"s none of your business," the young man said rudely. 『This is a private conversation!"

有同感的點個贊吧^^

U can U up No can no BB

在一個國際學生很多的大學，

Professor: Please make your own comments to food shortage problem spread in other countries.

African students: What is food?

European students: What is shortage?

U.S students: What is other countries?

Chinese students: What is own comments?

大神改版（看完簡直覺得我這就是高考，阿不，小升初英語改錯例題，唉）

Professor: Please share your personal opinions on the spread of food shortage problems in other countries.

African students: What is food?

European students: What is shortage?

U.S students: What are other countries?

Chinese students: What are personal opinions?

中文：

老師：請對其他國家正在蔓延的食物短缺問題發表自己的看法

非洲學生：什麼叫食物？

歐洲學生：什麼叫短缺？

美國學生：什麼叫其他國家

中國學生：什麼叫自己的看法？

Destroy the city you live in.

一個澳大利亞人剛到美國，過馬路的時候差點被車撞到。

司機對他吼道：Do you come here to die?

澳洲人聽了，回到：No, I came here yesterday!

怒答一發，本人最喜歡黃段子了。。。主要是收到微博三俗大王【谷大白話】的影響，發現他的很多內容都可以增長我們的見識。比如下面兩個來自摩登家庭的例子：

Cam和Mitchell是一對夫夫，Tracy是Mitchell出櫃前的高中女友，然後Cam很明顯是表示對Mitchell的高中時代的樣子很感興趣，想知道他高中時代是不是也像現在一樣有鬍子。笑點就在這個a beard，這個beard在Cam的口中就是單純的指鬍子，但是Tracy回答的是：You are looking at her（這裡字幕組翻譯差評），她口中的beard是指為同性戀做掩護的男性或女性，一般指女性居多。所以才會這麼回答，也就是說她自己就是Mitchell的beard。這樣一結合就會覺得很好笑啊有木有，Mitchell當時的心情該有多尷尬呀~哈哈哈哈哈。。。。

第二個例子是Phil和Claire一家的

笑點在She gave me a woody，啊哈哈哈哈，這裡的woody有生氣的小弟弟的意思（害羞臉），這話從小Luke口中說粗來簡直要嚇屎媽媽了，然而都是因為麻麻太黃了23333，Luke口中的woody只是玩具總動員里的小玩偶，哈哈哈哈哈，麻麻真是夠了。在這裡也順便安利一下摩登家庭，出了六季了，連續五年拿艾美獎最佳喜劇，真的很好笑（個人覺得比TBBT和2BG好笑多了）。裡面的所有三俗介紹都是來自谷大白話，大家可以去微博關注他。跟他學英語會很嗨森的。

天天笑話－我收到的"黃色"英文簡訊（慎入）

這裡有大約500個經典「yelou」小段，看完絕對點贊，

不點贊我PIS你

People who get offended when I breast feed in public can just fuck off, what I am doing is perfectly naturally and strengthens the relationship between me and my dog.

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

I was playing UNO with a bunch of Mexicans, and they were cheating because they kept stealing all the green cards.

I"m so socailly awkward that I tried to talk to a cute girl in class today, and started with "What school do you go to…"

Sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style and 69. Just for fun, or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid.

My ex "I look fat, can you give me a compliment?" "Of course! You have perfect eyesight."

Thirsty people:

1. People wandering in the Sahara.

2. People stranded at sea.

3. People asking for relationship on Facebook.

Watching a movie with my girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

Whenever a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I am capable of.

You call me your friend but where were you when my selfie only had four likes.

I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job. He asked which three were interested. I said the gas, electric cable.

We are all a little weird and life"s a little weird, and when we find
someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them
and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.

註：C#讀作「C sharp」

這個包袱最早是在《Friends》裡面聽到的，Rachel講的。

There"s a family of tomatoes walking down the street.The daddy tomato,the mommy tomato and the baby tomato.The daddy tomato is becoming more and more annoyed with the baby tomato,because the baby tomato is taking its time dragging his feet.Finally the daddy tomato turns around walks back to where the baby tomato is,steps,squeezes the baby tomato and screams:"Ketchup!"

中期選舉那一陣聽到的:

President Obama is visiting China recently, he wanna be as far from the midterm as possible; he wanted to go to Mars, but of course that"s a RED planet

剛才又看到幾個，過來補充下：

Will liars be honest after they die? (騙子死了之後會誠實嗎？)

No, they won』t. They lie still after they die。(不會，他們依舊撒謊。Lie still 躺著不動，依舊撒謊。)

What"s the poorest bank in the world? (世界的最貧窮的銀行是什麼？)

The river bank。(河岸。)

What month do soldiers hate?(軍人憎恨什麼月？)

March。(行軍。)

?? ? ?? ? ?? ? ?? ??? ??? ? ?? ? ?? ? ?? ?

(原答案↓)

冷笑話兩則：

「Do you know why the ocean is blue？」

「Because there are many fishes in the sea, they breath like "blue" , "blue"... 」

「Why six is afraid of seven？」

「Because seven eight(ate) nine.」

聚會時抖抖機靈。。。( ????? )

之前看到的一個笑話……對話如下

son:Hi,dad.I am hungry.

dad:Hi,hundry.I am dad.

son:Are you kidding?

dad:No,I am dad.

son:I am seriously.

dad:No,you are hungry.