面對陌生人的粗魯和無禮如何仍然保持對人的友愛和積極的態度？

這世上冷漠尖酸刻薄粗魯無禮的人太多。 每天都會碰到負能量時刻爆炸的人， 怎樣還保持一個對他人禮貌， 友愛， 謙虛的態度？

I am an American, sometimes called ABC (American Born Chinese), so I look Chinese. I know that obnoxious American travelers often give us a bad reputation, but of course I"ve never personally had any incidents in recent memory. I am very low-key, very friendly, and very respectful, so it would be very unusual for me to aggregate someone. It is even less likely that I could infuriate someone, but that is exactly what happened recently at Big Bamboo Bar Restaurant in Shanghai (BB).

我叫Gene，乍一眼看似中國人的美籍華人 （俗稱：ABC）。我時常在耳邊聽到有人議論一些美國遊客有多麼傲嬌，狂妄之類的言論。但在我的記憶中，我從沒親身經歷過這樣的情況。我為人低調，待人友好，謙遜，所以我和別人對峙這類事情在我身上少有發生。更談不上會激怒別人，但是此事件卻正巧發生在最近一次我光顧的上海Big Bamboo Bar Restaurant （BB）。

I moved to Shanghai about five years ago, and like many foreigners, I like to frequent sports bar restaurants. Another characteristic of sports bars in Shanghai is they all have pool tables, and regular patrons form pool teams as part of pool league, and all the different teams play each other during the pool season. The game is 8-ball, and all Shanghai bars play by what"s called "Shanghai Rules". When I first started playing pool in Shanghai, I had to learn the "Shanghai Rules".

五年前，由於工作原因，我搬遷到上海生活。我和其他老外一樣，喜歡常常光顧運動酒吧餐廳。上海運動酒吧的特色之一：他們會提供撞球桌供大家娛樂。所以呢，常客一般都會組建自己的撞球隊作為撞球聯盟之一。不同球隊之間也會開展季節賽，氣氛可相當熱鬧。而我們玩的是八球打法，所有的上海酒吧都按照所謂的「上海規則」進行比賽。當我第一次接觸上海撞球，我得先學「上海規則」才行。

I"m technically a foreigner (I have a US passport), but I look Chinese and speak fluent Mandarin Chinese. I frequent the BB close to where I live, and I was there for lunch one day. This BB has two pool tables, an 8" foot and 7" foot table. I was playing by myself on the 8" foot table as I normally do, and these two Brits who normally play on the 7" foot table decided to write their names on the board to play the winner on the 8" table.

準確地說，我算是個老外，（因為我有美國護照), 但我外表看上去像純正的中國人，而且我還會說一口流利的中文。我經常光顧BB酒吧，因為它離我住的地方很近，有一天我在那裡吃午餐。這家BB酒吧有兩張撞球桌。我平時就在大桌打球，而這兩個英國人在小桌玩，這次，他們主動要和我來場撞球比賽。

NOTE: I have no prejudices against Brits, but I believe their background for this incident is meaningful for this story, since I am American, not British.

聲明：首先，我對英國人沒有任何偏見， 但是，對此事件，我認為他們的背景對這個故事有著重要的意義。因為我是美國人，不是英國人。

I welcomed them to join me, and I began playing the first guy named Keith. The rule is the winner stays on to play the next person in line. I don"t take these games very serious, and I don"t care if I win or lose. For me, it is just social and fun, but Keith seemed more serious. We"ve seen each other before, but they usually play on the small table, and our paths have never crossed in competition against one another.

當然，我對他們的加入表示歡迎，接著我和叫Keith的英國人開始第一輪比賽。比賽規則是贏的人繼續和下一個隊員比賽。對我來說，我不是很在乎比賽的輸贏，純屬一種娛樂和愛好，但是Keith看上去很在意比賽結果。我們之前有在這裡見過面，但是他們平時都在那張小桌打球，在此之前，我們從未一起打過比賽。

According to the "Shanghai Rules", which are also the league rules for 8-ball competition at all Shanghai Pool Bars, you have to call "ball and pocket" or you loose your turn. This means if a ball goes in a pocket other than the one you intended, you lose your turn. During Keith"s first inning at the table, he hit a ball in the wrong pocket, and he said, "opps, sorry about that" and continued to play. His meaning is that he got lucky, but he didn"t know that he should also lose his turn. After he finished, I mentioned that we usually have to call our shots. He replied sarcastically, "what"s the fun in that".

按照「上海規則」，這也是上海所有撞球酒吧的8球聯盟賽的準則。每人開球前必須先叫你要攻擊的那個「球和球袋」的號, 否則你就出局。意思是說：如果你把球打到一個不是和你叫的號一樣的球袋的話，你就出局。在開場第一局比賽中，Keith把球打入錯誤的球袋，他馬上說了一句: "哦，對不起「，然後繼續打球。他的意思是說這只是次不小心，但是他不知道這樣子是出局了。等他打完，我好意提醒他：我們平時開球前必須得叫你的目標球袋的號碼。他卻用諷刺的口吻說：」那有什麼好玩的「。

I replied, "well, these are the Shanghai rules, and I also had to learn them when I first came to Shanghai".

我說， 「這是上海規則，我第一次接觸上海撞球，也是按照他們這些玩的」。

Towards the end of the game, I left the 8-ball, my winning ball, just in front of the pocket, blocking his last ball before he is allowed to shot the winning 8-ball. He could not pocket his ball except to try a bank shot, so I asked him "which pocket?". He ignored me and proceeded to tap his ball really slowly, and his ball rolled gently against his ball, blocking my shot at the 8-ball.

當比賽臨近結束的時候 ，我就剩下那個8號球，決定我輸贏的一球，它就在球袋前方，正好阻擋在輪他打8號球之前的最後一球。行內人都知道， 這情形除了打擦邊球外，他不可能把球打進那個球袋，所以，我問他「哪個球袋？「。他不理我，繼續慢慢地敲擊他的球，球輕輕地滾到他的其他球，阻礙我打關鍵一球（8號球）。

In the rules of 8-ball worldwide and according to the Shanghai Rules, this is a foul. After the cue ball strikes an object ball, a ball must either be pocketed or touch a rail. This rule is intended to prevent a never ending game by two players slow rolling the cue ball against one of their own balls without the intention to pocket a ball. So I said, "you know that"s a foul".

按照世界級八球規則和上海規則，這算是犯規。 當主球撞擊目標球後 ，球不是被落進球袋就是被碰擦到撞球檯邊緣。這條規則就是為了防止一場無止休的比賽， 兩個玩家慢慢滾動主球試圖撞擊各自的球，卻無意兜球 。我說，「你知道那是犯規」。

Keith responded, "your attitude sucks, why don"t you play by yourself!". He threw his cue on the table and left in disgust.

Keith回應我："你有毛病啊，這樣子你自己玩吧！「 說完，他把球杆扔到了桌子上，氣沖沖地離開了。

I responded, "I"m just telling you the Shanghai Rules"

我解釋到：」我只是告訴你上海的玩法"

Keith immediately got really angry and began yelling and threatening me. Keith is taller and heavier than me, and he tried to bully and intimidate me. He pushed his chest on to mine and said, "do you want to step outside? If you don"t, just keep your mouth shut!"

話音剛落，Keith憤怒地對我大喊大叫，還試圖威脅我。Keith比我高，比我壯。他挺著胸脯靠近我說 ：」你想出去解決嗎？如果不，就閉上你的嘴！「

I responded, "Are you threatening me?"

我憋著氣說：」你這是在恐嚇我嗎？「

Keith yelled, "Get your money, and let"s play snooker! Or let"s step outside!". He even said, "You"re not in America! Do you know where you are?"

Keith喊道, "拿錢出來，我們玩把斯諾克撞球！要不我們去外面！」 他還氣勢凌人地繼續說道「你不是在美國！你知道你在哪裡嗎？」

I said again, "Are you threatening me?"

我再次重複我的話， 」你在恐嚇我嗎？「

Keith yelled, "You have a terrible attitude!". Every time I tried to say anything, he would immediately yell, "don"t talk to me!". Of course, every one of his threats included the words SHIT, FUCK, and ASSHOLE.

Keith大喊道，」你聽不懂我話啊！「。 每次我想說些什麼，他立即對我大喊,"不要和我說話！」 當然，他的每次威脅都帶有那些不堪入耳的字眼：狗屎，他媽的，混蛋。

Keith was obviously trying to bully me, intimidate me, and cause me to react accordingly. I chose to refrain, even though I hated not putting Keith in his proper place. In my youth, I would have pushed him immediately and been ready to fight immediately. He reaction was ridiculous, and his arrogance was extremely annoying.

很明顯，Keith試圖用侮辱，威脅的方式，激怒我作出反應。最終，我選擇了剋制自己，雖然我很憎恨自己沒有好好地「教育」他一番。遇到我年輕時，必定第一時間推倒他，準備和他打一架。他的反應實在很荒謬，他的傲慢極其惱人。

If I had chosen to respond emotionally for my own satisfaction, the confrontation would definitely have escalated. I wanted to respond:

如果我用情緒化來處理這個事件，為自己出口氣。那麼，事態肯定會一發不可收拾。我想我會這樣回擊他：

• "Do you know where you are? This is China, not England you arrogant son-of-bitch" 「你知道你在哪裡嗎？ 廢話，這是中國，不是英國你這個XXX
• "What the fuck does snooker have to do with 8-ball? There are no snooker cues, no snooker tables, or snooker balls here, so why the fuck would you expect me to play by your fucked up rules. You came to play me!" 「斯諾克和八球有屁毛關係？這裡沒有斯諾克球杆，沒有斯諾克球桌，斯諾克球， 你憑什麼期望我按照你的XXXX規則玩！」
• "Are we in high school? You want to step outside. I"m not 10 years old anymore!"什麼？打架？你以為我們是在高中？

Keith tried to intimidate me because I looked Chinese, smaller, and weaker; so this was a very difficult test of my EQ. Every ounce of my body wanted to destroy this arrogant bully, if not with my words, but with physical punishment.

Keith試圖這樣威脅我，因為我看上去不高大，瘦弱的樣子；對我而言，這是我遇到的一場非常艱難的情商測試。我身體的每個細胞都在顫動著，瘋狂地要摧毀這個傲慢的傢伙，不是用言語回擊，就是和他用武力決鬥。

But in the end, any escalation, especially if it led to physical fighting, would have been a lose-lose situation. Had this situation led to a more serious confrontation, the ramifications may still be ongoing. Even if I won the fight, the repercussions would not have ended, and my personal reputation would have been damaged. Imagine that I teach emotional intelligence and other "soft skills", but I am arrested for fighting. How would my students and clients think of me?

可是最後呢，任何激化，特別是用武力解決此事，終將導致兩者皆輸的局面。假使事態演變成更為嚴重的對峙，後果也是不堪設想的 。就算我贏了，事情引發的負面影響也不會因此畫上休止符，更不要說我的個人名譽會遭受巨大影響。試想，我作為一個從事情商和「軟技能」的教育工作者，因為此事件捲入一場打架風波。我的學生和客戶會如何看待我？

So my ego and pride was hurt, but this situation ended without any long-term consequences, and I now have this wonderful story about how I "passed a very difficult EQ test". Of course I also happily tell this story about this arrogant Brit who was an idiot with no self-awareness!

雖然，我的自尊心因此受到傷害，但慶幸的是，這個事件從此徹底結束了，沒有造成長期的不良影響 。所以，我現在才能在這裡和大家分享」我是如何通過這次高難度的情商測試「的精彩故事。當然，我也很高興在這裡給大家做總結之詞：這個傲慢的英國人是個沒有自我意識的白痴！

文雅一點講，曾子曰：夫子之道，忠恕而已矣。

通俗一點說，你犯不上和那些人浪費自己的大好心情。

你自己掌握著自己的心境，接納好的，放下壞的，才能真正提升自己的境界。

另外，子曰：己所不欲，勿施於人。 要先做好自己。

推薦讀朱光潛先生《談修養》。

無意冒犯，不過那位美籍華人@Gene Hsu徐仁治 的回答我並不欣賞。既不快意恩仇，更不是真的超脫。在我看來Gene選擇退讓，僅僅是因為體能不如人，然後是顧忌職業聲譽。內心其實極度屈辱。

Gene認為自己是土生土長的美國人。可白人眼中哪怕亞洲人世代生活在白人社會，一樣是外國人。舉個栗子，我現住在澳洲， 昨天和一個澳洲人聊天，他曾幾次提及 「現在很多中國男人舉止學的也和我們一樣，看著也挺西化」， 語氣中充滿了不屑和不滿。同時他也不承認生在澳洲長在澳洲拿著澳洲護照的中國人就算澳洲人。在他心中，只有白人才是真正的Aussie。

說來說去，當涉及到不同國家種族之間的衝突時，挫敗就會變得格外屈辱。我承認Gene的選擇沒有錯。安全第一，不惹惡棍。雖然憋屈卻是個沒錯的世俗選擇。

可也真希望有我們中國的好男兒能讓這些囂張的白人種豬知道什麼才是真正的道。