有哪些英文笑話？
可以分享英文原版也可以是翻譯過的中文版
-Do you speak English?
-Yes.
-Name?
-XXXXX
-Sex?
-2 or 3 times a week.
-No,no. I mean male or female?
-Yes, male, female, and somtimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yeah, cow,sheep, animals in general.
-Oh dear!
-No, deer runs too fast.
一個壓箱底的冷笑話。。。不要說我笑點歪！這是個冷笑話，就應該冷冷的！
// 笑話開始
一隻熊貓走進了餐廳，但是吃完飯後沒有給錢，只見它掏出了手槍，開了一槍，就走啦。為什麼呢？
// 笑話結束
因為字典里解釋：Panda, an animal that eats shoots and leaves.
(Shoots指竹筍，leave指葉子啦。）
有點長、梗有點深，看懂了會很好笑。不能解釋，解釋第一比較黃第二破梗很無趣：
One day a man walked into a bar and to his amazement, he saw a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there was a fairy who will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a fairy inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared and filled the bar.
The man angrily stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your fairy is a cheater! I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "So... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
看在專門拿出電腦手工打這麼長一段的份上，看懂的就給點個贊吧。沒看懂的就不強迫啦。
非原創，看了之後笑到不行，感覺太符合現實了哈哈哈哈
一群人在公司里開會，boss依次布置任務：你負責marketing， 他又指著另一個人，你負責advertise，就這樣布置了好幾個，最後一個人是日本人，老闆讓他負責supplies。
領到任務後大家都開始工作，唯獨不見日本人，大家正在疑惑，突然日本人從背後鑽出來大叫：supplies!!
～～～～～～～～～～～～～～
再講一個Geology的吧，一塊礦物對另一塊說：
If you show me your cleavage, I"ll show you my hardness.English: The Official Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German (which was the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty"s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be&> replaced with "f." This will make words like fotograf 20 per cent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, alwil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the fourth yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no&> mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze world!!
一個關於澳大利亞口音的：
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a war zone.
British soldier: Did you come here to die?
Australian soldier: Nah mate, I came here yesterday.
關於澳洲口音真的是吐槽不完哈哈哈
先是上面提到的讀day為「die」
評論區還說到了name，澳洲人讀「奈m」
還有提到了把mate讀成「埋特」
forever, "foreva"，類似的還有water, "wata". whatever, "whateva"...
謝謝評論區糾正：「worry本來就是/?w?ri/吧? 反正肯定不會是["w?ri]. 其實澳洲把RP的/e?/讀成[?e], 就是從英國來的. 英國某些地方的口音就會把RP的/ei/讀成[a?]或者[??]之類的音, 比如Cockney, Estuary English等等.」
我聽了太多，不過如果有人想了解英國的幽默可以推薦幾個電視節目：
Russell Howard 在英國很火的一個Comedian有兩個節目， Russell Howard"s Good News: 嘲笑，調戲最近的新聞事件。Russell Howard"s Stand Up Central 與觀眾互動還有很多嘉賓。
我也很喜歡Lee Evans， Jimmy Carr， 等等。
Mock the week/Have I got News for you我超級喜歡，裡面有很多不同的英國口音而且能學到很多英語口語的流行語和文化相關的理喻。
要了解經典的英國笑話的話必須看The Two Ronnies 還有 Open All Hours。
不好意思我沒給具體的答案，我爸爸將的笑話都太Blue（黃的意思）不太適合我講，寫下來也沒有表演時好玩兒。
如果喜歡下面的笑話，上面的電視節目最適合你！哈哈
Without nipples, breasts are pointless.
I asked a Japanese girl for her number.
She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."澳洲航空有位員工叫做GAY BROWN。根據該公司的規定，員工可以在班機有空位時，享受免費搭乘澳航的服務。
有一次，GAY BROWN正要搭乘這種免費班機。他的位置是C-08，因為飛機上人很少，大
家就隨意坐。Mr.Gay登機時，發現他的位置已經被一個男性旅客佔了，他也就隨便另外
找個位置坐了下來。
意外的事情發生了。航空站另外一架飛機發生了故障，不能起飛，澳航只好將該班機上
的部份乘客轉移到Mr.Gay搭乘的這架飛機。這種情況之下，原先享受「免費搭乘」的澳
航員工必須將位置讓出來。
於是空中小姐拿著名單，準備一一通知澳航的員工下飛機。她走到C-08的位置，對著坐
在位置上的男人說：「請問您是Gay嗎？」
那個男人嚇了一跳！臉紅地睜大眼睛望著空中小姐，咽了口水後回答：「[呃……是的…
…我是Gay"
空中小姐說：「抱歉我得通知您，您必須離開……」
坐在後面不遠的Mr.Gay知道發生了誤會，趕緊站起來解釋：「小姐，你弄錯了，我才是
Gay！那位先生沒有必要離開。」
突然，另外一個男人也站起來，生氣地說：「嘿！我也是Gay！他們沒有權力叫我們離開
！」
遠處又兩個人發難：「沒錯，他們不可以這樣做！我也是Gay！」
「對！我也是！……」這時，吵雜聲此起彼落，機艙陷入一片混亂……
事後記者打電話到機場，澳洲航空對此事件拒絕評論。
我想那位真的gay一定很感動……
典型英國笑話，順帶黑下拿破崙先生
「Here Are 21 Jokes So Clever You Probably Won"t Get Them. 」
來自：If You Get Any Of These Smart Jokes, You"re Definitely Intelligent
關於笑話的解釋：Clever Jokes: (Could some of you explain some of them to me)
笑話大多與自然科學、歷史人文的知識有關，以前看到，很有趣，就轉過來了。
（一題配一圖，但沒有圖也不影響笑話！）
====================
2.) Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
3.) A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. 「You mean a martini?」 the bartender asks. The Roman replies, 「If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!」
4.) René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. … René says, 「I think not,」 then disappears.
5.) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
6.) Yo momma』s so classless… she could be a Marxist utopia.
7.) Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?… He』s 0K now.
8.) An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. … After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, 「You fellas ought to know your limits.」
9.) Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, 「Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.」
10.) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
11.) Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, 「Do all of you want a drink?」… The first logician says, 「I don』t know.」 The second logician says, 「I don』t know.」 The third logician says, 「Yes!」
12.) How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce 「unionized.」
13.) What』s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?… An etymologist knows the difference.
14.) The other day my friend was telling me that I didn』t understand what irony meant. … Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.
15.) There are two types of people in this world:… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
16.) An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. 「In English,」 he said, 「a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn』t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.」 A voice from the back of the room piped up, 「Yeah, right.」
17.) A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, 「No, I』m traveling light.」
18.) Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.
19.) I』m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven』t touched it in years.
20.) What does the 「B」 in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
21.) What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? … …
全部收集自http://sickipedia.org，滿滿的英式幽默和黑色幽默，不定期更新，enjoy～
0. The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
1. I was talking to my wife the other day about reincarnation.
She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"
I said to her, "Well, it"s when you die and come back as something completely different."
"So, I could come back as a pig?!"she exclaimed.
I said, "You"re not listening are you...?"
2. I was going to tell a great Ebola joke but if you"re not black you probably won"t get it.
3. A little girl walks into her parent"s bedroom…"Holy fuck!" She screams, "and you want me to see a doctor about sucking my thumb?!"
4. My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived they asked me,
"Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about the burglar?"
"Well... It was rather dark." I replied.
The police officer says, "O.K. and how tall was It?"
I don"t think he understood me very well..
5. Diamonds aren"t a girl"s best friend..
I"ve never heard my wife talking about them behind their backs.
6. "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time"? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with "If I am elected."
7. " It"s not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
8. I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
9. The Sahara desert walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Long time no sea."
10. I"m not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
11. I"m American, and I"m sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
12. I bought my son a puppy for Christmas, but I"ve just accidentally killed him with my car as I reversed onto the drive.
Oh well, I"ll have to look after the puppy myself now.
13. The missus said she was bored with our sex life the other night, and suggested we try the "other hole."
"What?" I replied. "And end up with afucking house full of kids?"
14. When I was a kid I used to hide porn mags under my bed.
My brother, in the bottom bunk,went blind before he was 16.
15. A driver is pulled over by apoliceman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I"d give it to you but I don"t have one."
"You don"t have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see.Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I"m sorry, I can"t do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She"s in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. Asenior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn"t have alicence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
16. Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living."When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, apound of bacon, half a pound of teaand a fresh chicken."
"Yes," says Harry, "that"s inflation for you."
"It"s nothing to do with inflation,"says grandma, "it"s all them fucking CCTV cameras they have nowadays."
17. Now I"m not saying that my wife is fat, but when she took a flight last week, she had to book two seats.
And they were both window seats.
18. I"m not saying my wife is fat.
But if I had to pick five of the fattest people I could think of, she would be three of them.
19. Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.
And then I wait for the next bus.
20. I got a text earlier that read, "ur fukn dead mate..."
I didn"t reply. He seemed angry, so I thought its best not to reveal that I"m actually still alive.
21. "Why don"t you ever want to have sex with me anymore? All you do is ignore me!" cried my wife.
"I"m sorry, love. I told you before we got married I wasn"t interested in married women," I replied.
22. My nine-year-old son told me a girl at school was yelling at him and he just sat there wondering what he did wrong.
I think he"s ready for marriage.
23. My mate said, "It"s me and the wife"s tenth anniversary next weekend. I thought we could go somewhere really nice together."
"Sounds good to me, mate. What are you going to tell your wife though?"
24. "You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it"s in a ditch, it"s a woman.
25. I said to my mate, "I watched the Olympic Weightlifting Competition."
He said, "The men"s or women"s?"
I said, "I haven"t got a fucking clue."
26. I caught a glimpse of my daughter getting undressed earlier.
She looked directly at me and shouted, "Dad, get out!"
I said, "Don"t worry, I"m not looking."
She quickly covered up her tits and said, "Dad! Get out, NOW!!"
"Okay," I replied, "But I think I"m stuck so you"ll have to lift up the bed."
27. I was looking at the weather forecast on Sky News this morning and the bloke said, "It"s gonna be between 5 and 7 degrees."
And I thought to myself...Why didn"t he just say 6 degrees?
28. If I had a pound for every time I"ve had a wank, I probably wouldn"t be a virgin.
29. I coach a schoolboy football team. In today"s match, and the very last kick of the game, our goalkeeper let the ball through his legs and gave away the goal that cost us the match.
After the game he came over and said, "Sorry, coach, I should have kept my legs shut."
I said, "It"s not your fault, Jimmy. It"s your mother who should have kept her legs shut."
30. My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a "paedo" and a "cradle snatcher." All because I"m a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
31. A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?"
The hostage replies, "Yes."
The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.
He turns to the next man. "And did you see my face?"
"No, but my wife caught a glimpse!"
32. I wouldn"t say my missus was fat, but I took a picture of her last New Year"s Eve and its still fucking printing.
33. My wife stormed out of the house and shouted at me, "You"ll never find another one like me."
"Yes I will," I replied, "there are plenty more whales in the sea."
34. My girlfriend is pregnant, so we got the big book of names out.
To try and find the dad.
35. The hardest part of sex is pretending you"re disappointed that you"ve come so soon.
In reality, you"re thinking; job done, sleep time.
36. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 「This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.」
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 「Which do you want, son?」 The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
「What did I tell you?」 said the barber. 「That kid never learns!」
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
「Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?」
The boy licked his cone and replied,
「Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!」
37. A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Ok no! I"m in deep doodoo now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Wow, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what"s going to happen to that conniving canine sunnuvabitch."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn"t seen them yet ... ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where"s that damn monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he"s still not back!!"
38. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said, "Yes."
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said, "Yes"
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
39. Pessimist: Oh, this can"t get any worse!
Optimist: Yes, it can!
40. A Masochist asks a Sadist, "Please hurt me."
"No," replies the Sadist.
41. Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist,
While you guys were arguing about the glass of water being half full or half empty. I drank it.
Sincerely,
The Opportunist
42. "If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there"d be no wars."
"That"s true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
"I love you, Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.
"I love him more than you," I replied.
She said, "I don"t think so, I definitely love him most."
I said, "You misunderstood me."
轉自quora， 有幾個我覺得還蠻好笑的。
yeah ，right 那個笑話我經常在課上用，一般是我說雙重否定表什麼，學生說表肯定，然後我說雙重肯定呢，學生不知道，我說表諷刺，然後他們不解，我就用這個笑話解釋了，一般我說到yeah，right得時候，配以欠扁得表情，學生一般來說就黑線了。。。。
Dear Iceberg,
Sorry about the global warming. Karma is a bitch.
Sincerely,Titanic
從以前的答案摘幾個過來，比較符合這題，one sentence joke為主。
1. We have been married so many years and you still come into my dream every night, that just makes me wake up and scream!!
// 吾愛入吾夢，夜夜驚魂。
2. Love your neighbors but don"t get caught.
// 隔壁老王的故事。
3. A: It takes 2 hours to drive around my farm.（Very big, hahaha）
B: I used to have a shit car like this too.
4. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
// Left Right 多義詞梗系列：right 右，對的。left 左，剩下的。
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If you think nobody cares if you"re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
// 如果你覺得沒人在意你的死活的話，試試不交一些費用。
8. An idiot"s brain consists of two parts, the left brain has nothing right, and the right brain has nothing left.
9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
// 公車站，公車停。火車站，火車停。我桌上有個工作站。。。。
10. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
11. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
12. A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.
13. Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can"t jump.
14. Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs
15. My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
// 有些人的出生證是套套公司的道歉信。
16. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
// 安眠藥和瀉藥不可同服。
17. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don"t know son, I"m still paying."
18. A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny"s bitch."
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