你聽過最搞笑的英文笑話是什麼？

12-24

不需要太長，也不要有太重的文化氣息，簡單但特別搞笑的。
注意不是中文笑話直接翻譯成英語！是真正的英文笑話

& HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
& try pressing the the Caps Lock key
& O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
& fuck me

一哥們出國住酒店的時候發現有老鼠，但是英文太爛不知道老鼠的英語怎麼說，無奈之下打電話給前台說:"Do you know Tom and Jerry ?"
"Yes sir."
"Jerry is here！！！

Man: I was going to make a joke about my penis, but it"s too long.
Woman: I was going to make a joke about my vagina, but you won"t get it .

英語老師說，如果不學好英語去美國遇到槍擊事件你只能這樣給警察說I see some people with ak47 , they biu biu biu and they boom boom boom ，people say a a a and die. You should call a car which vivo vivo vivo ～～

不是原創出處不明我只是搞笑的搬運工
侵刪侵刪緊臟緊臟溜～

Europe English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty"s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

是個老梗了，但見一次笑一次。

一個澳大利亞人去紐約，結果過馬路的時候沒有注意看，差點撞上一個開黃色計程車的美國司機。

美國司機憤怒地將頭探出窗口，

「Are you coming here to die?」

澳大利亞人聽到鄉音，十分喜出望外，高興地說，

是的，你們都知道。

「No, I came here yesterday!「

註：澳大利亞口音中today很像（to die)

Knowledge is power, France is bacon.

If you eat me, you die.

If you drink me, you die.

If you breathe me, you die.

What am I?

I am

......

Nothing~

學生時代的。

" Hello. so nice to meet you! My name is janifer and I come from Lousianna . where do you come from?"

" i come from a more educated state that we don"t end their sentence with a preposition."

" Oh, i"m sorry. Where do you come from, bitch ? "

A husband asked his wife

"Do you know the major difference between out-laws and in-laws ? "

"No "

"Out-laws are wanted. "

A linguistic professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive." In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where in a double positive can form a negative. "

A voice from the back of the room , "Yeah, right."

有一個人第一次去紐約，想去參觀自由女神像，於是向當地人求助，但是他英語不好，他說：

"Where can i find free woman ?"

路人回答:"I don"t know man, But if you find free woman , please let me know. "

Who died in Harry potter V movie ?

Sirius African-american

Can i have some cake ?

No you cunt .

Are you British ?

No.

Do you mean can"t ?

No.

Your brain has two parts: one is left, and the other is right. Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left.

中文笑話英文梗算不算？

小明很愛女友wendy，把她的名字紋在丁丁上。伸展開是wendy，縮起來的時候中間的字擠在一起，只看到兩頭的wy。
一次小明去美國旅行，在公廁排水的時候旁邊來了個老黑，掏出丁丁一看，上面也是wy倆字母。兩人相視一笑，覺得有緣，於是拉直了看裡面的內容。
小明是wendy
老黑是welcome to the united states of america and have a nice day

Wake up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

An apple a day, keep the doctor away.

每天用蘋果，拿不到博士學位。

：-）

You are sun of a beach;
你是沙灘上的一縷陽光。

我見過一群非常會講段子的學生！！！

港真，考試，大概是所有學生最怕的一件事。

但是，如果按照創意程度來給分的話，這些考生的卷子一定是滿分……

我相信你看完肯定會笑不攏嘴！！！

首先，讓我們來看一道數學題：

問：Bob有36塊糖果。他吃了29塊。那麼他現在還有什麼？

答：糖尿病。Bob有糖尿病（←小朋友你還知道糖尿病，真是厲害了）。

這是試卷上一位每天（被家長逼著？？？）彈鋼琴的小朋友↓↓↓

原因：Tony每天都彈20分鐘的鋼琴。

問結果：他是個超級書獃子。

這是一道有些難度的科學問題：

問：為什麼土星有行星環？

答：因為上帝喜歡它，所以給了它一個戒指。

教師點評：土星並不是個單身小姐姐啊……

這道題大概考察的是「力的作用是相互的」↓↓↓

問：桌子「感覺」到了來自你的手的向下的壓力。你感覺到了什麼？

答：桌子竟然有感覺，好怕怕喔……

有時候，試卷還會對考生進行靈魂拷問。而這位同學在試卷上寫了句大實話，當然沒得分……

第6題：68這個數字是奇數還是偶數？

答：偶數

第7題：你怎麼知道的？

答：因為我很聰明。（老師：錯！因為個位上的數字是偶數）

沒有用上勾股定理，這位同學就輕而易舉地找出了x ↓↓↓

問：求出x。

答:（在x上畫了個圈）：就在這呢。

還有這種主觀題，答案更是天馬行空……

出遊作業

問：觀看的表演當中你最喜歡哪一部分？

答：我沒有很喜歡的部分，但我喜歡坐巴士~

（這究竟給不給分好……）

答案實在一點都編不出來了，還有個終極大招—— 畫表情包 ↓↓↓

問：化簡求值，並解釋你的解題步驟。

答：啊啊啊啊啊啊！一隻熊！我怕得都答不了題了！

閱卷老師：？？？

這是一個翻譯成中文很難讓人發笑的笑話。
Programmer"s girlfriend: "Are you going to sit and type in front of that thing all day or are you going out with me?"
Programmer: "Yes."

來自 Quora
Tracy Chou"s answer to:
What are the most popular computer programming jokes?
http://www.quora.com/What-are-the-most-popular-computer-programming-jokes/answer/Tracy-Chou

Your brain has two parts：the left and the right. However，your left brain has nothing left；your right brain has nothing right.

不知道這個算不算，但每次看都讓我爆笑~令人難忘的一對父子哈！視頻封面

小孩子神馬的最好騙了！當爹媽的快來學著！視頻