你在出國留學文書里寫過的最漂亮的句子是什麼？
有人說題主需要的不是給秘書的信，而是個人陳述。嗯，我覺得結尾段落可以這樣寫：
我不是為了我自己在申請——顯然，我會有很多的錄取，我會有幸福的一生。我也不是為了我的領域，甚至所謂人類的福祉——顯然，無論我在哪裡，是否有學位，我的貢獻已經在那裡，並且將在那裡，燭照人類的未來。顯然，我是為了貴校而申請的，為了貴校的將來。我希望以我的申請給貴校一個機會：你們可以在招生海報上寫下我的名字，「他曾經在這裡學習」；你們可以歡迎四方的來客，到這裡找尋我的雕像、我的足跡；你們可以在真正的、非比喻的、非修辭的、非誇張的意義上說：「從我們這裡，曾經走出過一個偉大的人。」
翻成英文大概是這樣的：
I am not applying for my own sake - for sure, I shall have many offers and enjoy a flourishing life. Nor am I applying for the future of my field, not even the concomitant well-being of mankind - for sure, my contributions have been there and will be there, illuminating the world from the heart of darkness, wherever I shall be, having a degree or not. For sure, I am applying for the sake of your institution - for your sake alone. I am offering you, with my application, a chance to print my name on the recruiting posters for all future seasons, a chance to receive delightful tourists, coming from all over the universe to visit my statues, and in all a chance to announce, in a non-metaphorical, non-rhetorical and non-exaggerated way, that "we have produced a great man in history".
摘自以前寫的一小說。
分享一篇諾獎級別的 PSBy Russell
WHAT I HAVE LIVED FOR.
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.
I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy -- ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness -- that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it, finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what -- at last -- I have found.
With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.
Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a hated burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.
This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.
附手稿：
I appreciate your offer. Your school"s background, 名詞 atmosphere and 形容詞 reputation impressed me a lot. However due to large amount of offers I received and limited resource I have, I regret to tell you that I have to decline your offer. May you find best candidates for your program. Looking forward to opportunities of communication and cooperation in future.
評論精選：「Please DO NOT reply to this email directly
- JX Consp + EvelynTZ + 風行健
Please be noted that the decision is final and any further inquires regarding the rejection of your offer would not be replied to.
- 常三
————————————以下附註————————————
根據 guuuo viii 指教修改一下語法，我要表達的意思、風格和順序根據收學校和工作信件實際經驗就保留不改了，多說一句 your school 一定要保留顯示是模版拒（滾）小朋友們自選甄別：）中介老師就別坑人了。
I have published a co-first-author paper on the Journal of Biological chemistry, and a first author paper on Plos One.
我覺得對方基本上只有在找這一句話。剩下的寫得再詩情畫意人家也懶得看To whom this may concern...
Please forgive me for my grammar mistakes.
題主需要講清楚是申請高中，本科還是研究生的文書，因為他們的側重點是完全不一樣的。在側重品質，學習潛力，專業傾向，學術成就，活動展示甚至情懷和幽默
感等方面的度是不一樣的。那麼接下來我就通過一系列具體的實例（主要是大陸地區申請者）成功申請到美國名校的真實案例來解答這個問題，希望能給題主一些參
考。（答主私人微信號:Liweilianlaoshi, 需要轉載請聯繫我稿費事宜，本人長期諮詢留學考試輔導和留學申請指導，長期在知乎解答問題）
案例分析一：
2014年 申請到 美國（Harvard Univeristy) 本科的某同學的文書分析。
After
several unsuccessful attempts to write the essay which establishes
myself as the perfect kid who had won the world all figured out and
blows the doors to college open for him, i have come to learn with great
disappointment that I may not be the most mature student every college
could hope for. I am, after all, only an insignificant 18-year-old who
is trying to explore himself and teh world around him.
(這個首段的寫法，能夠隱約體現出申請者的CRITICAL THINKING的思維， 兼具謙虛，理性，務實等特點，略帶自嘲的幽默感，能夠讓招生官產生好的印象。）
I
explore myself by writing. I love to pour my heart out into my journal
and come back to reminisce about the pieces of me later. sometimes, i
laugh reading my childish toughts, but i am proud of them nevertheless,
for these thoughts, however, immature they may be, were still part and
parcel of the person i was and my attempts to understand myself better.
(對於文科生來說，突出的也許只能是思維能力，寫作和閱讀能力）
My
life has been the epitome of the perfection of an innately flawed self.
And yet being around people who are too perfect makes me bored because i
find nothing people-like in them. Perfection, it seems to me, is
itsself a form of imperfection.
（flawed beauty 很有CR的思維）
I
have learned the hard way not to dwell on my past achievements too much
because doing so might be the very thing that keeps a person from
getting better. One"s real strength, as I perceive, comes from his
ability to keep making progress and to keep learning, both inside and
outside the classroom.
My regular contempation over life has
taught me a lot of valuable lessons, one of which being it is equally
important to quit thinking anout life and to just live it.
I
have lofty ambitions for my life as dreams are what make men great. But i
won"t grow sullen or dejected either if my dreams are not realized, for
an ordinary life with sunrise, music and the ones I love is already
amazing enough.
（這就是高曉松說的「生活不只有成功和眼前的苟且，還有日落，音樂和摯愛）。挺洒脫的，如果中學生真的能做到這點。估計不能。
Sometimes,
i am annoyed by people who gush that China is developing at an
unprecedented speed because they have ignored the fact that some
fundamental elements such as democracy and freedom of speech which are
crucial to any nation"s development in the long term are absent in
China. But i am more annoyed by people who spend all day complaining
about this absence and thus fail to see the bright side of China. As far
as I am concerned, seeing the dark side of a society does not
necessarily mean being cynical. After all, only if a person truely loves
this world can he make it a better place.
(再次通過巨大的轉折，和批判性
思維將作者的思維水平更加準確的表現出來，尤其是這句：」seeing the dark side of a society does not
necessarily mean being cynical.「 是整篇文章的亮點。）最後一句：After all, only if a
person truely loves this world can he make it a better place. 是不是有種看了
2016年最新Disney Movie" Zootopia" 《瘋狂動物城》裡面的台詞啊，看來優秀和情懷是想通的。
The funny thing is that the more i learn, the more ignorant i feel. （很謙虛的寫法，但的確是符合CR的理念的）
the fact that i keep having new recognitions just reminds me that no
matter how much knowledge i posses in the future. i will always remain
immature and foolish facing all of the things the whole world contains.
But to me, that is exactly the exciting part of life. I will always have
so much yet to learn and the major discoveries in my life permanetly
life ahead. So i guess in the end, i am glad that i have not had the
world all figured out yet. In fact, I hope i never will. After all, i
can not think of a worse scenario than the one with nothing left to
learn.
學習，保持永遠的學習，和首段的觀點基本一致，是一篇完整ESSAY的要求。最後一句很有力量，採用了雙重否定的強調句型。表達了求知若渴的狀態，咱哈佛不就是要這種謙虛，有思想，保持旺盛的學習的動力的學生嗎？
案例分析二： 2016年申請到美國羅徹斯特大學本科的申請文書package的suppliment essays:
Answer
Essay Question: February 2015 saw global, record-breaking low
temperatures in the Eastern US and Rochester. Students here who thrive
in white winters (and three beautiful other seasons) wonder how can you
make Rochester ""ever-cooler""?
ESSAY RESPONSE. Answer Essay
Question: February 2015 saw global, record-breaking low temperatures in
the Eastern US and Rochester. Students here who thrive in white winters
(and three beautiful other seasons) wonder how can you make Rochester
""ever-cooler""? (max 250 words)
這個題目是不是很「狗血」，這個題目是不是很酷， 如何讓ROCHESTER 大學看上去更酷？
在2016年申請文出題狗血程度上，也許只有芝加哥大學和MIT的文書能夠超越這道題目了。
Living
in Rochester campus, students have to enjoy the white landscape and
endure the boring atmosphere of snowing and snowing. This is especially 「
cool」 and even cold. In order to end up this boring situation, I decide
to operate and manage a live concert in the snowing days and even I
expect to carry out this activity annually.
As I am a layman of
music, I am still fully confident in the University of Rochester because
of the highly-standing school of Eastman in the University of
Rochester. Frankly, I am not sure whether I can lobby the fraternity and
other schoolmates in music department to join us. But I will try my
best because it is the best time for make our school ever cooler,
standing out of the competitors in the USNEWS university rankings.
能夠寫出這個答案的同學，需要對於美國的大學的學院設置比較熟悉，ROCHESTER 有美國三大頂級音樂學院之一的伊士曼音樂學院，所以可以巧妙將2者聯繫在一起。
So,
to prepare a concert in Rochester University successfully, I think we
should have a huge repertoire of songs of various composers，a cluster of
「singing birds」 and be strong in orchestra music as well as a pile of
music instruments as there are the edifice of a proper live concert .
All these preparations can be available in Rochester while unavailable
in other academies. You may not find a institute both with such a
wonderful music academy, institutes, and snowing landscape.
Financial
Sponsorship is also important as it will be the engine to carry out the
live super」 snowing concert」 annually. I need to take more time to
think carefully about a shortlist of companies that have a demonstrated
interest in this concert. By qualifying leads in advance, I expect to
have better results in advance and spend my time on the highest possible
necessary attempts (i.e. the warmest welcoming speech).
一定的想像力，更需要對於美國大學比較熟悉的背景知識，另外也能體現申請商學院的申請者的「潛在商業思維」
和運作「類似商業活動的組織，創造和實施的能力」， 相對於欠缺想像力的其他申請者來說，本文能讓申請者的思維水平 prop up 在招生官的眼前。
案例分析三： 內蒙古大學 市場營銷系學生申請到USC 南加州大學（財務）專業碩士的文書分析。
Personal Statement
Interestingly, when comparing with my classmates both in childhood and
university , I find myself quite rare as Chinese companions are hardly
both featured with the strong sensitivity in analyzing statistics and
adept skills in expressing abilities. However, my comprehensive
abilities both in calculation and language skills are by nature and
nurture. Ever since I was a little child, I had a good sense in numbers
and mathematics. This interest and innate capacity can be illustrated
clearly. For example, in my senior high school I was attracted by the
Mathematical Olympiad and then participated in which I got one of the
total 40 entrance tickets through a competitive selection test over the
whole city. Right now, I have learned more complicated mathematic
knowledge and many scientific methods to do statistical analysis, data
management and diagram analysis. I also realized that statistics is so
important and the ability to make use of them is of great importance to
research and study in any field. This is a work that needs great
carefulness and a good sense in statistics and they are just where my
strengths lie.
Unfortunately, I once a time had a misconception
that accounting subject alone fails to help me constitute a complete
cognition of the world, although I understand the overt advantages for
majoring the accounting for myself. I thought that accounting work is
only a simple record of data, without any creativity and inspiration and
only by being patient can solve everything in accounting jobs. So, I
chose marketing as my major instead and continued to study in XX
University which witnessed my fully-fledged development. During my
undergraduate years, I fully developed my social abilities and realized
my inner potentials there. My major, marketing, opened a brand new
window for me to an unfamiliar world full of wonders, and enabled me to
communicate better with the business world. I was hard-working in this
major. I honorably won the financial inspirational scholarship of
National Development Bank in the 15th December, 2013 and won the honor
certificate of national scholarship in December the 20th, 2014 with an
overall GPA 3.7 score.
Motivated by my language talent and strong
sense in marketing, I soon became better at sales and marketing than
most of my classmates, organizing many campus contests, parties and had
won many prizes. Apart from academic performance, I have also been very
active in extracurricular activities. I was the vice president of Junior
Achievement Club in my school and organized many campus activities such
as welcoming party, graduation ceremony and job mock interviews. In
order to make clear about what students』 popular concerns are and what
they really want to learn from this activity, I designed an
internet-based survey on the school network. After collecting more than a
hundred feedbacks, I summed up all the results, classified similar
answers, concluded the top 3 concerns and reported to the Club
president. Based on the result of the survey, our preparation went
smoothly and efficiently, and finally the activity was very successful.
From then on, I became very interested in doing research and analysis
before carrying out a strategy, and found it valuable and very
meaningful to adjust strategies in management communication or adopt
suitable measures to meet the taste of 「customers」.
Luckily, my
mom, who is a highly skillful accountant, corrected my misconception on
the core value of accounting and raised high requirements for excellent
accountants. She said that the group of top level accountants always
mastered a certain degree of logical analysis, flexible strategies and
high vision on certain professionals. A wonderful CFO can manage well
the operation of both large corporation and small company by doing
financial analysis on their financial statements. Encouraged by my mom, I
successfully passed the Chinese certificate of accounting
qualification.
Now, I started my intern in an accounting firm
where I had the chance to have a professional training, including the
study of the basic principles of accounting, auditing and tax, provided
by this company for all the non-accounting background staffs. These
training courses, plus with a series of business courses in university,
allowed me to understand clearly what and how a professional auditor
should know and behave. Accounting professional needs a strong
background of professional knowledge and rich experience in practice.
Besides, this company sometimes invites professors from famous
universities to offer CPA lessons for us. During this half-year-over
practical working in accounting firm, I have participated in a given
field of practical accounting works, including year-end audit, asset
reconstruction audit and internal control audit for many large
corporations in a number of industries. Through these working
experiences, I have become more familiar with the accounting principles
and been skilled in my accounting techniques. Now ,I am very experienced
in using the computer software and tools to analyze and calculate the
figures , such as Excel、E-audit，Jiu-Qi Report software，SAP corporation
management software.
Therefore, I believe now is the best time
for me to apply for the accounting program, since it can equip me with
more in-depth training in financial analysis and general accounting,
which will help me achieve both my intermediate and long-term goals. My
intermediate goal is to receive a complete and systematic education of
accounting as my graduate study, and work in an international company
doing financial analysis upon graduation to gain more working experience
and become more professional. Likewise, my long-term career goal is to
become a professional financial analyst who provides objective financial
analysis and offers effective advices on the company』s operation and
development from the perspectives of statistical figures and financial
report. After that, I will keep working hard to reach my long-term and
final career goal – to become a professional financial analyst. I
believe in the immediate future those who are equipped with a solid
international accounting and financial background will be hailed greatly
no matter in china mainland or in other regions.
It seems to be
casualness in my past experiences, but it was logical to line up all the
separate strengths together. While marketing professional training
requires a creative and innovative thinking to explore new things out of
the」 BOX」, a qualified accountant is calm and rigorous, being able to
deal with works in strictly logic manner. But in the face of how to
maximize the profit of the corporation business, logic cannot be
separated from creative thinking. In order to scale new heights
academically and to lay a solid foundation for my future career
development, I would like to apply for a Master』s program in accounting
program at highly-standing Marshall School of Business at USC as the top
accounting program in the United States for its renowned faculty. I now
have a burning desire to start a new journey there to become more
competitive in the accounting field, expecting to be initiated into a
first-rate academic environment in which my academic foundation will be
surely consolidated and my business potential will be strengthened. I
believe I am a competent applicant based on my professional intern
experience and clear career goals, and I sincerely ask for your
favorable consideration for admission.
In order to scale new
heights academically and to lay a solid foundation for my future career
development, I would like to apply for a Master』s program in accounting
program at highly-standing Marshall School of Business at USC as the top
accounting program in the United States for its renowned faculty. I now
have a burning desire to start a new journey there to become more
competitive in the accounting field, expecting to be initiated into a
first-rate academic environment in which my academic foundation will be
surely consolidated and my business potential will be strengthened. I
believe I am a competent applicant based on my professional working
experience and clear career goals, and I sincerely ask for your
favorable consideration for admission.
案例分析四： 吉林大學 EE 專業同學申請到 紐約大學NYU-POLY 的ECE專業研究生的文書分析：
Personal Statment
The irrefutable perseverance in pursuing the 「absolute
accuracy」 is my honor and one of my self-disciplines. I always hold critical
thinking or doubts on those printed papers and then sent them to writers
despite that these behaviors are not fully supported by Chinese fellowships. Take some published books as examples, in the
second edition of 《EDA Technology and Application》，which is the authoritative
book in the departments of computer science and information technology. I surprisingly
found that the program in the question」 4-bit parity check circuit with
the preset verified reduced value」 violated the regulations of VHDL language as it is forbidden for any forms of WAIT
sentences in the listed process of sensitive parameter. To name but a few,
there are even at least 5 mistakes or errors in our teachings books I have
found both in terms of publication and in the deducing process. The rigidity
and perseverance in my personality guide me to work on the natural science
without any hesitation.
My recent research program on optimal recognition of
warehouse goods began with a journey back to my hometown this new-year holiday
in winter. I went by a small dock yard where I used to play with pats in my
childhood. I found that stevedores there were loading and transferring the
goods delivered by trucks and they worked very hard especially during the cold
weather when their skins in the face and hands were mostly frosted with backs
being humped under heavy pressure. Their jobs mainly consist of two
parts---unloading the goods in different weight, size and fillers from trucks
and then relocating them in different warehouses waiting to be transported again.
These jobs were quite laborious and energy-wasteful especially when they need
to re-recognize and re-classify the goods in different containers after having
been loaded for several days, because the labels and tags there were easily to
be missing and got messed up. I showed my great sympathy on them and this also
ignites my potential curiosity and passion to make use of my ECE knowledge to
help improve their working efficiency and avoid being frosted more.
After the new year 』s holiday, I was
eagerly to find the proper solutions to help them while coincidently got to
know that Professor Xia, in South-east university which is an fairly famous
university in the fields of electronic engineering and other science subjects,
was leading a project on optimal recognition of warehouse goods for several
months. I lobbied the professor to allow me to take part in the project. Unlike
the manual recognition, this trial aims to automatically identify the detailed information of intended goods
and then make accurate analysis. Prior to the scanning, the
operation system was equipped in the fixed place in the manufacturing line.
Once the trial took action, the released optical messages were delivered
and cameras then would collect these data which were then transmitted to
industrial computers. After the automatic recognition system works on
these scaled pictures and bar codes, this system can make the correspondingly
immediate response. Interior factors like numbers, size and genres of fillers in
their pre-set experimental variables were rather limited. However, by the
in-field investigation, I gradually become aware that such exterior factors
including the intensity of light, evenness of surface, the pace of camera
shutter as well as the intensity of vibration in the process of transportation
were also contributing factors. I raised my suggestion to Pro. Xia and was then
accepted. our team readjusted those preset algorithm designs in
terms of using rigid ropes to replace hemp ropes, setting five levels of light
intensity from the tiny, less-intense, medium, bright and glare and two levels
of camera pace. These adjustable variables and parameters further strengthened
the justification and values for real-life application, which were then hailed
by the would-be customers who bought this system in the future. Now, our team
members are still struggling for the most effective solution to eliminate the
tiny error in different transporting environment. After two-semester efforts,
we finally published a paper with the chained address in attached documents and
many transportation stops and companies will apply our design into real use to
greatly improve the working efficiency and to make profits as well . But to me,
those laborious loaders will escape from the repetitive jobs of re-recognition
and under extreme weather conditions, they will be seldom injured by being
frostbite, scorching or stuffy. I firmly believe that engineers should
contribute to society in their ways which are differed from artists and
writers.
Having determined to be one of
first-rate ECE engineers, I am striving for every possible effort
both in academic studies and professional research. I am going to apply for
NYU-Poly. It provides a platform to furnish their students with advanced theory
and valid practice. It is exact the university that I am destined to apply.
What』s more, NYU-Poly is a university assembling world-class professors and
elite in the ECE field, with an accomplished faculty and modern research
resources. These should help set a good stage for me to exercise my keen mental
power and diligence. If I were accepted, I would be confident that I could make
quick progress in the ECE field. I believe the progress we are making in these
areas will help shape the future of mankind. I would like to be at the
forefront of such progress.
很多英語專業的朋友可能聽到外教們不止一次地建議，在英文寫作中要多嘗試用動詞代替名詞，因為他們認為動詞更有力度，更容易領會。這個建議本身並沒有錯，但與中文不同的是，英語詞型靈活多變。例如，動詞"lead"，可變為"leader" ，這對中國學生來說是比較容易理解的部分。然而，"lead" 和 "leader" 這兩個本來有具體含義的詞，還可以進一步變為抽象的"leadership"。我們在申請文書特別是推薦信中經常使用到"leadership"，雖然這個詞的概念並不難理解，但中國人很難找到相應的中文詞語。通常情況下，"leadership"被翻譯為「領導才能」，這樣我們就犯了以偏蓋全的錯誤，因為「領導才能」是一個具體名詞，而"leadership"比「領導才能」的含義多得多。中國的英語學習者不難理解"She married a welathy person who comes from an influential and powerful political family"或者"She married into a wealthy and powerful political family"，因為"family"和"person"都是具體名詞，但是要明白"She married a powerful political political dynasty"就不是那麼容易了。因為 "dynasty"是個抽象名詞。
由於這種語言差異的存在，學英語的中國人很自然地傾向使用具體名詞而不是抽象名詞，可能是因為漢語善於運用具體名詞而在抽象名詞的使用上相對較弱的原因。
再舉一個大家非常熟悉的"scholarship"為例，作為具體名詞，意思是「獎學金」，但很少有人知道它可以作為抽象名詞來解釋，如：
Drawing on the scholarship of the ancient China, Profe or Joseph Needham and his Chinese collaborators at Cambridge University wrote what was to become the colo al 25 volumes of "Science and Civilization in China".
在這裡，"scholarship"的意思是學識、學問。書面英語，特別是一篇寫得好的申請信中常使用抽象名詞。中國申請者在文書方面面臨的最大挑戰之一是如何學會包括運用抽象名詞在內的技巧。
例：
具體： She has become so famous that her name is synonymous to one of the la in this university.
抽象： She has become an i titution in one of the la in this university.
具體： Mr.Liu is one of the youngest Fellows of the National Scoiety and a most distinguished biochemist.
抽象： Mr.Liu is one of the youngest Fellows of the National Scoiety and a biochemist of co iderable distinction.
具體： My US friends took me to a great many historical corners in campus of Harvard and shared with me abundant information, which I could hardly have obtained in any other way.
抽象： My US friends offered me a remarkable orientation of Harvard"s history, which I could hardly have obtained in any other way.
具體： You must seek the word, the verb, and the adjective that best captures your ideas, and never be satisfied with the ones that only come close to what you want to convey.
抽象： You must seek the word, the verb, and the adjective that best captures your ideas, and never be satisfied with a roximatio .
注意，我們承認英語中存在大量的抽象名詞，但並不等於說這些詞廣泛適用。有些時候這些詞過於抽象，讀者得不到較切實的印象。拿"Mi Wu had great succe in her study"這句化來說，"Mi Wu reached the top ladder of her study"就比它形象具體得多了。我們不說"We go to great length of serving customers with courtesy"，而說"We serve our cu tomers with a smile".
Life is a matter of choice and I choose to change.
——————————————
純屬當年跨專業申請時的硬掰
當我入學高中讀高一時，政府投入近2億人民幣建了新校區，母校成為山西省示範高中。之後校長升任當地教育局局長。
當我入學本科讀大一時，大學成為省部共建高校，各級政府共投入3億人民幣。之後一位校長升任中央編譯局局長，一位校長升任中國社科院研究生院院長。
當我入學碩士讀研一時，我校獲得中國科技部重視，成為了中國火炬計劃的第一個海外創新園區，中方政府投入5億人民幣，李克強參加了簽字儀式。
現在，我想去貴校讀博一，請您做我的導師。一般厲害的人不會把時間放到潤色文書上的, 這是大神john nash的recommendation letter, 最後一句夠漂亮吧。
謝邀 @Brian 這個題目讓我想到了我的合伙人Andy 2014年在全國25所高校巡講的時候談到的一個例子，這是他曾經輔導過的一位學生，申請香港中文大學的社會工作專業。在徵求他學生的同意後，使用了她的材料作為案例。因為我很迷Andy的英音，所以每一場都聽得特認真，連續聽了25場，簡直能背出來，所以看到這個問題就一下子聯想到了。
學生原文：
僅做了語言修改的版本：
雖然這個版本還算不錯啦，但遠沒有達到理想效果，好嗎？
這是為什麼呢？？
首先，上面這段開頭完全沒有展現出作者的自信，反而隱隱透露出小弱需要外界扶持的即視感！其次，這段文字雖然表明了作者對於從事社會工作的誠心，但沒有講清楚這個誠心到底是什麼。所以，僅做了語言修改的開頭完全沒有達到理想的效果。（原文by Andy：It does not show confidence. It implies a need for support. It asserts and explains a commitment to social work but it does not DEMONSTRATE that commitment.）
那麼問題來了，到底應該如何打造理想的開頭呢？
先讓我們來看一下原文前兩段：
開頭兩端文字中包含很多素材，黃色高亮部分為有效素材，我們要做的是提取這些素材並進行整合和總結！整合了這些素材的開頭，會給你意想不到的效果！（原文by Andy：Look at the first two paragraphs of the original. There are elements here from which we can construct a really effective opening paragraph.）
下面是經過素材整合的終極版本，見證奇蹟的時刻到了！
有人要問了，這個終極版本到底是好在哪裡呢？
讓我們好好說道說道。
首先，它明確表明了作者朝著申請專業的方向做出了實實在在的努力。從這些努力中，招生官立馬就能感知到作者是嚴肅對待自己的追求，而非兒戲；同時暗示了招生官，我還有很多經歷，請往下看！（原文by Andy：It tells the reader that the candidate has actually done something in pursuit of their interests. They immediately know this person is serious; It alludes to further experiences which make the reader want to continue reading.）
再看高亮部分，HIV是一個很能激起讀者情緒的話題，然而作者竟然在另一個陌生的國度從事了HIV相關的社會工作，足見作者的成熟和勇氣！（原文by Andy：HIV is a particularly emotive subject; the candidate』s rapid and unflinching engagement with the issue (in another country and far from her comfort zone!) shows great maturity and bravery.）
其次，該段開頭有具體的地點和事件描述，讓整段文字更真實，凸顯了作者獨一無二的經歷和個人性格，這樣更能打動招生官！（該點見下圖黃色高亮部分）（原文by Andy：It attempts some sense of narrative and place, which renders it personal, unique, touching and authentic.）
再看：
請注意黃色高亮部分，該句點明作者已經為申請專業做出努力，並且表明作者的決心：為了自己的選擇，未來可以做出更多努力。（原文by Andy：It implies not only that this person is engaged with their intended profession but also suggests that they would make good contributions because they have valid opinions that that they can back up.）
最後，
黃色高亮部分提到了具體學校名稱，這就使得文書更具體，更有個人特點，並且給整個開頭帶來了一個強有力的總結。（原文by Andy：It mentions the school, which personalises the application and helps to ensure that the paragraph provides a solid summary.）
對比原文和終極版，簡直不僅保留了原文原意，更是整理了邏輯，充實了細節，表明了決心，讓文書開頭變得有血有肉，讀到這種文書，招生官肯定立馬眼前一亮啊，有木有！（原文by Andy：It retains the sincerity of the original opening paragraph, but it does so much more besides!）
最後的最後，大家寫文書時總擔心寫不出精彩的開頭，的確，好的開頭非常重要。在此有一些寫文書開頭的小經驗分享給大家：
1. 不要總想著寫完美的句子。這樣會沒法下筆！
2. 抱著娛樂的心態，不斷嘗試用不同的方法展示自己，直到找到最合適的那一種！
3. 用上本文展示的方法：先寫文書主體，然後從主體內容中找到那個完美的開頭！
（原文by Andy：Many people get hung up on producing an exciting opening. And yes, it is important. SOME IDEAS ON HOW TO ACHIEVE IT:
- Don』t spend ages trying to come up with a perfect first line.
- Experiment with presenting yourself in different ways.
- Be playful in your experiments before you settle on one approach.
- Take the approach we』ve just demonstrated! - Just write the body of your essay first and then find the perfect opening inside your essay. ）
其實寫文書開頭有很多方法，多嘗試，多思考，好好花時間琢磨琢磨，總能寫出最最最打動招生官的開頭！（原文by Andy：There are many ways to open your essay, many choices on the order in which to present your involvement in the field, many different aspects of your academic career to highlight.Be reflective in your approach, take your time and you can create an opening para that is 10x more interesting/telling/authentic/compelling and powerful. ）
——————————————————我是分割線———————————————————
關於Andy其人：
畢業於牛津大學，而後獲得律師執業資格，在世界知名律所Simmons Simmons倫敦和香港分所工作多年；此後旅居美國、中國、東南亞和日本；愛好寫小說，是文藝圈人，好友中不乏百老匯劇作家和好萊塢職業編劇。2012年在中國訪學的時候遇到Raymond（也就是我啦！），共同創立了互聯網留學專家平台 http://MyDocumate.com，應用創新的在線教育模式解決留學申請問題。他崇尚自由的工作方式——To work wherever you are, whenever you want. 可以邊旅行邊工作、在咖啡館或在一個你喜歡的小鎮工作，不必要束縛於規矩繁多的組織、固定的辦公室和朝九晚五的固定工作時間，如果能夠在保障生活的情況下花主要的精力和時間去實現自己的夢想、做自己熱愛的事情才是此生的意義。曾經有一個百老匯外圍（broad-Broadway）的小編劇寫email給他：「原來他之前晚上寫劇本，還經常要自掏腰包找演員排戲，並且期待有一天能有幸被知名的劇評人發現從而能進入「Broadway」的大劇場；所以他白天往往得去餐廳打工，因為寫東西的稿費是不夠養活自己和自己的夢想；但自從成為平台的顧問之後，做的是自己擅長的事情，既相對輕鬆又能獲得穩定的收入來源，讓他可以更加安心地去鑽研劇本。他說他會非常認真地對待每一位他的學生，因為他特別珍惜這個平台給予的機會，也希望我們能夠堅持下去，讓更多的人有機會堅持他們的夢想。」 Andy跟我說，每次創業痛苦得快抑鬱的時候，想到這封email心裡就很溫暖也感到責任重大，不知道這個平台可能維繫著多少人自己的夢想和自由。【Andy也是腐國美男，據說百贊有曝照噢~】
——————————————————第二次分割線———————————————————
沒想到一天點贊就破百了，好多人私信我要Andy的照片，好吧，徵得他的同意後，請接好：
都看到這裡了，留個贊再走吧~
"Working in XXX"s Lab for more than two years at UIUC, I am proud of my achievement as co-authors in SCIENCE and PNAS articles."
放一句我今年帶的一個美本的PS。中國人。我帶著他套磁的時候一個加州理工的教授是這麼回復的:
然後她老人家還一連串的問了一大串問題，比如你什麼時候申請啊你具體的career計劃是什麼啊之類的。最後直接放了句話：
所謂文書，尤其是graduate school的PS，天花爛墜從來不是美國人的口味。很多人海誇的（結果寫出來的永遠是美國人或者在美國呆久了的人看不懂的chinglish風格）「絢爛文筆」本來就是各種給你的PS減分的。每篇文書committee的平均閱讀時間是一分半，如果看了半天大分句，各種狀語虛擬加到裝，不直接pass才怪呢。
最優美，最能打動錄取委員會的句子，是你的實力。
最後給自己打個小推廣，如果有申請相關問題，請戳回答
撰寫留學申請的個人陳述 （PS, personal statement）時有哪些常見的誤區？ - 王蛋丁的回答
出國留學的意義是什麼？ - 王蛋丁的回答
以及
美國名校學霸們是怎麼努力的？ - 王蛋丁的回答
每年我都會帶著幾個學生申請美國本科/碩士/博士，這個過程中給我的滿足感是主業工作不能代替的，如果有意向申請合作，請直接加我個人微信641076507：
http://weixin.qq.com/r/uqzN1fHEr6zQrbW29-mo (二維碼自動識別)
作者：王蛋丁
鏈接：出國留學的意義是什麼？ - 王蛋丁的回答
來源：知乎
著作權歸作者所有。商業轉載請聯繫作者獲得授權，非商業轉載請註明出處。
"I enjoy being intellectually challenged on a daily basis."
現在在學校每天感受智商被碾壓的感覺
當年有一個問題是說用140個字母以下的句子來描述自己
我寫的：
let those dream killers kill my self esteem,
or use my arrogance as the steam to power my dream?
As a result of my research project discussed above, I"ve published (title of the paper) in (Journal name), an SCI-indexed journal with impact factor (impact factor )
能寫得出這句話的基本上肯定有offer。留學文書好不好語言只是一方面，實力才是關鍵所在。有實力而對語言信心不足的理工科留美博士申請人，歡迎私信找我。
本科生要發SCI確實不容易，但是還是可以積极參与科研：本科生怎麼才能做科研呢？ - 王浩的回答樓上的你們嚴肅一點好么 題主分明問的是文書而不是給AO發的郵件啊&>-&<
湊不要臉的拿當初文書的一段話曬一下 懷念曾經文藝矯情寫文章的時候啊QAQ
The glow from the streetlights fell upon the windowpane. It started to rain again. I returned from my contemplation and heard the raindrops pattering in a proud rhythm, swelling and fading over time. I turned to the window and saw her silhouette moving through the drizzle under an umbrella. She turned around and smiled. The rain slanted against the glass window, and her features faded away. The weather report was right; rain was falling all over the city. She was right as well – since it was coming, let it rage on.
I ran outside and sped through the rain like a trout, splashing in the downpour.
Pick me! Pick me!
～～～～～～～～～～～～～～
自己Sop的最後一行哈哈。
因為有些學校需要one-page version。刪減的時候，主要段落完成度已經不錯了，後來直接把最後一段的千言萬語總結成這一行，一頁紙剛剛好。我還挺喜歡的。
IT REALLY WORKS LOL穩如空手套ps
英文PS最重要的是讓人記住你（正面的方式記住，不能是負面的印象）。只是寫得很炫很flowery不一定有好的效果。
順便介紹一下我自己，開淘寶留學文書寫作店三年，PS寫過好幾百篇了。如果你要問我哪一篇你最滿意，哪一句話讓你印象最深，我可以毫不遲疑的告訴你是三年前申請讀數學研究生一個妹子的稿子，開頭第一句話我印象特別深，也特別滿意。但其實句子結構很簡單，衝擊力在於它的內容。
我一般是不直接翻譯PS中文稿的，但是這個妹子寫的實在太好了。我就直接翻譯了，所以這第一句話實際是她自己的原話。我讀了她的中文稿後，一開始有點疑惑，問她是不是真事情。她說是的，我才繼續翻譯的。但其實不問她我也相信是真的，因為沒有經歷過，是編不出來真情實感的。
這句話是這樣的。
The summer before I began high school, my father, an economics professor at XXX University, was convicted and sentenced to three years in prison.
我相信每一個錄取委員會的教授看到第一句都會迫不及待讀下去，想知道到底發生了什麼。開頭講了一個家庭悲劇（父親坐牢）和它對這個妹子求學之路以及專業選擇的影響。說它是個悲劇的原因是，她父親其實沒做啥傷天害理的事情，不是貪污受賄，或者道德敗壞那些。第一段沒有浮誇的地方，也沒有哀怨的氣氛，只是用一種平淡的口吻講述自己的故事。但讀的人可以明顯感到第一段的強大張力。
你也許覺得這一句做開頭很普通。我承認，確實看起來很普通，但這樣寫，實際達到了國外小說大家的層次。這裡我隆重介紹加拿大女作家Margaret Atwood在2000年發表的小說The Blind Assassin. 這部小說獲得過英文文學作品最高獎Man Booker Prize，並被時代周刊的文學編輯選入1920年以後最傑出的100部英文小說的行列。這部小說的第一句話是這麼寫的。
Ten days after the war ended, my sister Laura drove a car off a bridge.
是不是有異曲同工之妙呢？我看到這個妹子給的中文稿開頭，第一個反應就是想到了這本書的開頭。順便說一句，這個妹子肯定沒讀過這本書。
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