跟殘疾人談戀愛都有哪些原因？

12-02

我沒有看不起殘疾人的意思，只是發生在我身邊我理解不了。
朋友說能感覺到他是真心的，她只要一顆真心。

每個人都有自己的話語權、選擇權，不管是誰做了任何決定，作為朋友都應該去接納他，因為他就是這樣的一個人，不會因你而改變！
我的老公是殘疾人（聽力殘疾），我們相識7年，相戀半年，結婚1年，他是我這輩子認識的最樂觀、最勤奮、最善良、最有愛的一個。
他3歲時發現聽力有問題，右耳全聾，左耳70分貝，雖然聽力給他的生活帶來了一定的影響，但他不畏艱難，用最樂觀的心去接受，用盡所有力氣儘可能的去彌補不能改變的事實。小時候沒有小夥伴跟他玩耍，他就與書作伴，9歲就把四大名著看完了（成人版）。初中高中成績都是年級前幾名。他是學美術的，特別想考央美，那會專業考的全國六十多名，文化總分高出錄取分數線一百多分，但是英語差2分與央美擦肩而過。
大學時，大家都還伸手找家裡要錢時，他已能自己養活自己了。
剛畢業，身邊同學工資都差不多三五千，他已是他們的二、三倍了。
畢業後一個偶然，發現有個小女孩家庭條件差，上學生活費都成問題時，他會每個月給那個小女孩一些生活費，會給她贊助手機和電腦，盡一己之力讓她生活的好一點。
他還有著一顆最有愛的心，這是他近幾年的獻血記錄

2014年他還去骨髓庫錄入骨髓,15年11月份，骨髓庫給他打電話說有人和他配對成功了，他非常高興，我問他有什麼感受，他說就像是買彩票中大獎了一樣，能救人一命非常開心！

護士姐姐在給他抽血做高分。
目前已體檢完畢，待年後捐獻。
老公雖然聽力上有缺陷，但他所做的一切很多人都無法去做到！他是一個偉大的男人！
他們的世界都是很單純美好的，沒有欺騙沒有謊言，待一個人好會掏心掏肺，會讓你感覺自己是最幸福的人！
請不要嘲笑、瞧不起殘疾人，你近距離接近他們會發現他們是非常有愛的一群人，雖然一路走來他們很不容易，但他們還是會樂觀向上，當你給他們一個微笑，他們會拿整個世界回報你！

呵呵。
世界上總有這麼一些人，做著實質上的歧視，卻說著臆想中的尊重來感動自己。

不是加一句「我沒有看不起殘疾人的意思」就說明你真的沒有這個意思的。

說是沒有看不起殘疾人的意思，只不過是不願意承認罷了，何必呢？
如果你朋友是個殘疾人，你跟他關係還不錯，如果有個正常人跟你朋友談戀愛，你難道不是很高興而是不理解？
瞧不起就正大光明說出來，沒人覺得你虛偽。

這問題讓我想到了前兩天在Quora看到的一個故事，當時看了一半我嘩一下就在辦公室流淚了。lz我想你看了就會找到答案了。

One day, about 15 years ago, I was planning a trip to Six Flags with my
cousin and her boyfriend. Since they were worried about me not having
someone to sit next to on the rides, they decided to set me up with a
friend of theirs.

I met him the night before our "big fun day" -
and even at first glance, I knew he wasn"t quite right in the head. He
had a bit of the crazy eyes. But then, he was also pretty wasted.

I
pulled my cousin into the next room and told her, "No. F-ing. Way. I am
NOT going on a "date" with that guy. He looks like a big stupid loser."
(this was because he was holding an empty vodka bottle and couldn"t
stop smiling and staring at me)

My cousin told me to just relax,
since it was just going to be for one day, and just to have someone to
sit next to on the roller coasters. How bad could it be, she said?

Well,
the next morning, the three of us went to pick him up at his house, on
the way to the amusement park. When he walked out the door, I thought it
was a different person. My mouth fell open. Now that he was sober, and
all fresh-faced for the morning, he was so cute, and so sexy, I was sure
I was going to enjoy the day, after all.

On the way there, while
talking in the car, he confirmed over and over again that he was of
very little intelligence. But he also made me laugh like nobody"s
business, and he had a sweetness about him that was so simple and boyish
in a big strong man"s body. The sexual attraction was through the roof.

By the end of the "date," I couldn"t believe how much the
sexual tension had built up - despite his low IQ. The heat between us
was so animalistic, so primal, it couldn"t be ignored, and it got the
better of me.

Nothing happened that night, but two days later, I
saw him again, and just as the first time, there was a chemistry that
was pulling me, and making me weak in the knees.

This one "date" turned into a nearly four-year long relationship.

I
had never in my life, and think I never will again, feel that type of a
physical connection with someone. We fit like hand in glove. He was the
most amazing lover I had ever known. He treated me so well, with so
much love, and respect, and kindness and sweetness...it would bring me
to tears on several occasions.

To give you an idea on what level he suffered from lack of intelligence, I"ll give you a short list of examples:

1) He thought the year 1900 was the beginning of time.

2) When he saw that his birth certificate said "9.0" under weight, he believed that he was a 90lb newborn.

3)
When attempting to measure the width of a door one day, he insisted it
was 8" across. That"s because the tape measurer he was using had the
inches restart after every foot - so instead of noticing that it was
past the 3" mark, he only paid attention to the 8".

4) He could not figure out the formula for marking boxes at work as "1 of 5, 2 of 5, 3 of 5," etc.

5)
He had trouble reading and spelling, and sometimes recalling the right
words. Such as "cherish" and "cherries." So he would say something like,
"I cherries you."

6) One day he repeatedly dialed a phone number
to a man who kept trying to tell him that he had the wrong number. He
kept trying it, anyway, because he was convinced that two people could
both just coincidentally have the same phone number.

Oh, I could go on and on!

I
knew from the beginning, in my mind, that I shouldn"t have allowed
myself to get involved with someone who is so mentally challenged. And,
at first, because I wanted him physically to such an extreme, I
rationalized that he was the male equivalent to the female dumb blonde.
Or, something like the John Travolta character from "Welcome Back,
Kotter."

But then, after a while, and only a little while,
something else began to happen. I started to have feelings for him. At
first, they were feelings of empathy, and wanting to protect him from
the world. Then, they were feelings of just missing him...missing the
way he smiled, and would pick me up and spin me around and kiss me, and
the feeling of snuggling up in those big strong arms.

And
then...I started to love him. Oh, woe is me. I tried to push it away,
and I couldn"t. It happened so fast, I didn"t know what hit me.

But
even as I was sinking quickly into the quagmire of love with this man, I
kept thinking..."I could never marry him. What if we had a baby, and I
died or something, and he was responsible for taking care of it? The
baby might need medicine one day, and it"s virtually guaranteed that he
would fuck up the dosage, and possibly kill it. No, no. I can"t ever
allow that to happen."

Eventually, I started to rationalize
things in a different way. I told myself, "Suppose that when you first
met him, he was just as smart as could be. But then, after you married
him, and had a baby, he got into a car accident that caused permanent
damage to his brain. Would you divorce him over something that wasn"t
his fault?"

On and on I made excuses. On and on I continued to
"feel" happy and in love, but all the while I continued to "think" of
how stupid he was, and how these two things can"t possibly be a good
combination.

When I found out he was using cocaine, I thought it
was a blessing in disguise. I thought, "Now is my chance! I can end
this once and for all, and blame it on the drug use." It was a very
bittersweet discovery.

But then, he wanted to get help for it,
and asked me to go with him to talk to a drug counselor. Sitting there,
in that little office, next to him...I will never forgot the question he
was asked, how he answered it, and how it brought tears to my eyes, and
pulled me right back in to the black hole of loving someone who didn"t
even know how many days there were in a year, or what day Christmas is
on.

The counselor asked him, "How do you feel when you take cocaine?"

He said, "I feel smart. I feel like, for once, I know what"s going on."

Ohhhhh
my GOD. Hearing him say those words - realizing for the first time that
he had a self-awareness about his "low intelligence" - and that he felt
bad about it. Wow. It killed me. I wanted to hug him and protect him
and take care of him like he was my own child.

And that"s what
was the beginning of the end. I began to see him like a child, and my
feelings toward him turned more motherly than anything else.

But
to this day, I miss him, and wonder what ever became of him. I lay
awake some nights, wondering where he is, and if he"s okay. I fantasize
about winning the lottery, then tracking him down, and setting up a
trust-fund for him, so he would always have a place to live, and food to
eat. He wasn"t very good at keeping a job. Not because he wasn"t a hard
worker, but because he just kept fucking up.

In all these years,
I found what I suspected to be true. There was never again a lover in
my life who made me feel what he made me feel. When I think back on it,
now, despite the worries and frustrations and embarrassment of being
with someone who understood things in such a retarded fashion...those
years were the happiest of my life. I mean a pure, simple happiness. The
kind of happiness you might have if you lived your life in a tribe, in
the middle of the jungle, where there were no such things as books or
tape measurers or calendars or IQ tests. I"m talking about a primal
happiness - without logic or reason. Pure sensation.

And so, to
answer the question...it"s both a yes and a no. Yes, I couldn"t help
myself but to fall in love with a man of limited intelligence - and I
was able to find happiness with him. But no, I could not accept it as
something permanent in my life. It doomed us from the start, and there
was no getting around it.

One last thing...don"t imagine this
man as a squinty-eyed, slack-jawed dufus who wore a perpetual expression
of DUH on his face. No no. He was a tall, muscular, good-looking man.
He had a "cool" look about him, with a black leather jacket, earring,
dragon tattoo, and Harley Davidson boots. He could carry on a
conversation just like anyone else - and have opinions just like anyone
else...but his responses would be so utterly and fantastically
ridiculous sounding, one would think it was all a big joke. He had
countless friends who thought he was "so hilarious" - and probably never
realized just how damaged his brain really was.

And oh, by the
way...I DID end up getting married, ten years later, and guess what? The
man I married was incredibly smart. He was able to solve the Rubik"s
Cube in under 3 minutes, each and every single time. His shelves were
filled with books about physics and aero-engineering - which is what he
had his degree in. He could do anything, fix anything, figure anything
out - and was like a walking encyclopedia. BUT...I was nowhere as happy
with him as I was with my low-IQ guy, who had a heart the size of Texas,
and a brain the size of a pea.

The marriage with Einstein ended
very badly. He was SO cerebral, there was no chance for that silly,
goofy hugging and kissing sort of stuff. There was almost no affection,
almost no sex at all, and life was very dull in the romance department.

What is the moral to this story?

That"s something I"ll think about until my last dying day.

-----
JUST ADDED:

This
is the best photograph I ever took in my life. It"s my ex, the one in
the story, walking next to my god-daughter - through the parking lot of
Chicago"s Lincoln Park Zoo. I"ve had this in a frame and hanging on my
wall all these years. It"s from the 1990s.

從看到題主的問題，到看完所有熱心者的分析，還是沒弄懂一個問題：沒弄明白題主不理解的是什麼？
上面一位朋友說的好，我們要直面現實。作為一個健全人，如果你喜歡上了一個殘疾人，通常親友的第一反應就是：你為什麼找個殘疾人？——這就是現實。
為什麼親友會有這種反應？
因為在婚姻上，我們通常的理念是「對等」，這種對等體現在年齡、社會地位、財富、知識等等方面，還有將這種對等裡面擴大的，比如除了戀愛雙方要對等之外，各自的家庭也要考慮在內，以前講的「門當戶對」就是這樣。
SO，如果一個健全人找了一個殘疾人對象，其實不僅僅是健全人的親友，殘疾人的親友知道後也會有此反應。
本人肢殘，工作和生活中遇到新朋友，聊到個人問題往往會出現如下對話：

你結婚了嗎？
還沒。
有女朋友了嗎？
有了。
你女朋友也是——
不。她是健全人。
哦～

但除了「通常」的事情之外，我們經常會遇到「不通常」的事情。就拿婚姻戀愛來說，我們一般會認為戀愛的雙方年齡應相差不大，多以男大女小。所以一旦看到白髮男士挽著年輕妻子，心裡也會一楞。前段時間外國一個年輕小伙娶了一位老奶奶，不是還成了國際新聞了嘛。

本人近來剛到一新公司，認識一新同事，小夥子渾身上下乾淨利索，辦事高效，很得人心。但是發現公司很多女同事都喜歡跟他玩鬧，關係非常好。心裡納悶，這也太熟了吧。後來有人提醒說，這哥們是G，恍然大悟！於是一切照常。

最後，不知道題主的「不理解」具體指的是哪方面，如果是我上面談到的，對「非通常」事件的不適，那就好辦，接受就行了。

30歲的時候，老婆正式嫁給我，30歲的時候，我已經癱瘓12年，她說，因為是我，所以覺得這是很自然的事。

偶爾從網路見到殘疾人結婚的消息，深知能被熱議，實因鳳毛麟角，才具備炒作的條件。多數人仍處在水深火熱中。5·20之際，我不再如以往那般憧憬良多，卻似某地區的蔡總統，因故而避之。婚姻本就稱不上天堂，個中雞毛蒜皮足令人焦頭爛額；何況收支失衡的殘障人？盲目期盼我結婚生子的親人啊，思維單調。

他們談戀愛，不需要題主的理解。你不要給人家妄加壓力即可。

題主的思維是：
if朋友的對象是正常人 →理解
if朋友的對象是殘疾人 →不理解
so很明顯題主對殘疾人是區分對待，只是你不想承認。
接下來分析你不理解的原因，我試著站在題主的立場思考可能的情況，你的不理解大抵是覺得：
她是我的朋友，我當然希望她好，進階我希望她能有一段美好的愛情，與一個正常人談戀愛，再一份美滿的婚姻。而如今她卻喜歡上了一個殘疾人，殘疾人本身並不健全，又怎麼能給我朋友美好的愛情呢？題主「想像中朋友的愛情」與「現實中朋友的愛情」的落差造成了你的不理解。
按正常程序接下來我應該勸導題主應該懂得「尊重別人的選擇」或者「殘疾人也有自由戀愛的權力」之類的道理，但我發現若我能長篇大論的說出這些大道理時我無疑與題主如出一轍。存在即是合理，又何須論證。所以我只能對你說：
「你的朋友遇到了一個喜歡的人，剛好他是個殘疾人，僅此而已。」

作為一名「殘疾人」我真的想大聲的問你啊樓主我們就那麼讓你難以接受？我們不能和健全人戀愛競爭一起生活的話我們就真的殘疾了！殘疾最可悲的是真的認為自己低人一等而不敢也不願和所有人一樣去平等的生活。

知乎怎麼這麼多站著說話不腰疼的？
殘疾人的定義是什麼？是disable。也就是說，殘疾人一定會有某些行為障礙，他一定和正常人是不一樣的，和殘疾人一起生活一定會有諸多不便付出額外的代價
樓上回答問題的諸多知友，你們真的好好想過和殘疾人一起生活是什麼樣的嗎？你們和聾啞人會不會有交流障礙？你能不能做到每天把患小兒麻痹而癱瘓的愛人抱上床？我二舅和二舅媽就是一對聾啞人，一個看著我從小長起來的、前幾天還來過我家做客的阿姨是腿部殘疾，我大概知道他們的生活有多不方便，他們的生活會給身邊的人帶來多少不方便，他們身邊的人需要有多大的愛意和耐心支撐才能與他們一起生活
樓上指責題主區別對待殘疾人的人，請問為什麼要把殘疾人和正常人同等看待？區別看待有問題么？殘疾人和正常人本來就不一樣，為什麼非要看成是一樣的？不看成一樣的就是歧視了？？？這都是什麼邏輯？？

回到具體問題：
題主的朋友想和殘疾人談戀愛有兩種可能
1.他預見到了他將要付出的代價，但依然想和那位殘疾人談戀愛，他真心愛她
2.他不夠成熟，他根本沒有考慮過與殘疾人生活的現實問題，他也沒有真的準備好接受殘疾人，他只是一時興起
題主不理解朋友也有兩種可能
1.題主歧視殘疾人
2.題主覺得和殘疾人談戀愛代價太高，題主認為人應該「趨利避害」，所以不理解朋友為什麼要「明知一片荊棘，依然執意前行」，題主的不理解中，還有一部分是「擔憂」

我的建議是，題主如果是第二種情況，可以和你的朋友坐下來談談，謹慎一些選擇用詞，委婉讓他知道他可能面對的困難，如果你的朋友真的已經考慮清楚並仍然選擇這份愛情，那麼我們應該敬佩他的勇敢，祝福他倆的未來

另外我還想吐槽一點，「不理解」何時變成「歧視」了？？「我不理解一個人為什麼要自殺」=「我歧視自殺者」？？
你們為什麼要歧視「不理解」這三個字？

我不懂太多政治學，所以沒法說清楚，但我明確的感覺到，現在的知乎似乎有些傾向不太對頭，有些觀念被矯枉過正了
例如
對同性戀的日漸包容，會不會導致同性戀行為的增多？這個問題下面GayScript的回答，儘管很真誠，說的也很有感染力（我也點了贊同），但我仍然不完全同意他的回答，我們為什麼要否認同性戀是一種「不正常」的行為？無論從數量還是生理構造上來說，同性戀不都是一種「不正常」的行為嗎？用「包容」這個詞又有什麼問題呢？「包容」的對象不一定非要是「錯」的東西，也可以是「不正常」的行為啊，我本人尊重、理解、支持同性戀，那是因為儘管同性戀是「不正常」的，但性傾向在很大程度上是天生的和無法改變的，我尊重這些天生和我不一樣的、並且對社會完全無害的、和我們一樣美好的人們

還有就是，我們在堅持某種價值觀的時候，不應該忽略現實，忽略現實而單純堅持某種觀念，不但幼稚，而且容易誤導人，相反，直面現實卻仍然堅持價值觀念的人才是值得尊敬的——我們可以說「儘管很麻煩很累但我仍然要成佛」，可如果你偏要說「不用很麻煩很累就可以成佛」那就是耍流氓

這絕對是真愛呀，為什麼諾貝爾獎獲得者楊振寧82歲要娶28的翁帆？這個世界上你不理解不喜歡的事情太多了，但不代表他們不存在，你那個朋友一定是因為愛情而真的不論對方健康疾病與否，才有勇氣接納殘障人士，願意去照顧她，這沒有什麼不好，你就不要大驚小怪了，這是人家自己的事

曾經，有一個女同學因為個人性格問題，被全班同學排斥。
後來過了很久，聽說她找到男朋友了。
偶然一次，她男朋友在QQ上跟我聊天。
問到我她在學校里的為人。
我說，我們當時都不喜歡她。覺得她找到男朋友很讓我意外。

她男朋友說了一句讓我銘記至今的話：

她的缺點我都知道，可是總歸要有個人來愛她吧。

不管一個人有多少缺點甚至殘缺，都會有人去愛他。愛上誰並不是我們能選擇的。遇到一個喜歡的人，而恰好他是這樣一個人，僅此而已。

奇怪，為啥你要理解呢？

巧了，我有個朋友和您一樣，自從知道我男朋友是殘障後，不是勸我分手就是說我倆不會走到最後

回歸正題
你就是看不起啊(ー_ー)
不知道你在不理解什麼
說白了
你就是覺得和殘障人士戀愛是不可理喻的事，覺得你朋友站在高位卻找了個下層的
hh戲精，一邊說「我不是歧視殘疾人」一邊又不理解
麻煩您離您朋友的感情生活遠點，不理解可以，那是您自己的事，既然是朋友，就算是不理解也不要不尊重對方好么？

你覺得不能理解的時候,其實你已經把他區別對待了

其實這個心理很容易理解。很多人說你區別對帶了非殘疾和殘疾人。這個原因之一是我們很少在日常生活中和殘疾人打交道。所以你很少理解真正殘疾人的生活，心理。至於區別對待，也沒有什麼不正常的。區別自己與其他人的不同，是社會心理學的一個現象。你表示不理解的最大原因可能來自於社會。我們太少和殘疾人共事了。學校里你看不到殘疾人，身有殘疾基本就喪失了工作機會，這個和殘疾人有無工作能力無關由於我們接觸的太少了，你朋友的對象突然是殘疾人，你想理解卻怎麼都理解不了。
上面有個朋友說的也對，殘疾人生活確實有這樣那樣的不方便，加上我們社會對殘疾人的關注很少，這樣就導致殘疾人生活更加的不方便。其實你也沒有必要非得理解不可。不是每個人對個樣事情必須從心底理解才行。你要是真的困惑自己為什麼不理解，不防靜下心來，想想，到底是什麼阻止你無法理解。還是你更擔心朋友今後的生活會過於負擔大了。如果你朋友和TA對象真的是真心相愛，願意一同承擔今後的生活。那你的理解與不理解在這個時候也許不重要，你是不是應該祝福和鼓勵他們呢？

殘疾對人的影響就是婚戀與事業，雖然很多殘疾人事業順利，但這不代表殘疾對事業沒影響，只能說他們有資源，有一些機會來把影響降到最低。而很多人沒有資源，沒有門路，找工作困難，這種情況哪個女的會喜歡上?呵呵呵

你的不理解是基因決定的，是本性。
然而人是少有的有餘力對抗本能的生物，而對本能的思考與對抗我們一般叫做人性，這是你朋友做的。
無所謂對錯，個體差異而已。